This is a promise from the Lord. And I'm clinging to it, during the hardest week I've faced in my life.
This week Justin and I lost a part of us. A piece of our hearts are now missing, but praise God that piece of our heart is in Heaven being loved on by Jesus.
On July 1st, after trying for our second child, I got a faint pink line on a pregnancy test. We had been waiting for this. Justin thought it was too faint to be believable yet but I knew. So I took a digital one that morning and it clearly said "pregnant" so he finally believed it. We were filled with joy. It's amazing how in love you can be with your child as soon as you see their existence is real.
That day was exciting. We went to church and I felt like I had such an exciting secret from everyone. I knew that in a couple of months everyone could be excited with us.
I also knew after the excitement of that first day that something wasn't right. I had in my heart before we even tried for the second time that something would go wrong and we would suffer loss. I had hoped I was wrong and wrote it off as me being the worrier that I am.
I had a few of the normal pregnancy symptoms, but never nauseous. That didn't concern me though because I really never was with Quinn either. I knew in the back of my mind this was too easy.
I had set the date for our first appointment with our OB down in Columbia. July 25th. What an exciting day it would be! 7 weeks I would be then and we would hear that amazing heartbeat. It seemed so long to wait!
On July 2nd in the evening, my Grandma Findling was taken down to Columbia after throwing up for 2 weeks straight. The hospital here said she was dehydrated and put fluid in and sent her home. As things got worse they took her to Columbia rapidly and we got the news on July 3rd that she has stage four pancreatic cancer. On top of that, she also has three masses on the brain. What a punch in the gut. I went down to visit her three times that week and just held her hand. The road since then has not been easy as we've watched her health decline. My mom and her sister are caring for her fully at this point. She is home, but has to be cared for and can no longer be independent. Her days are limited. This has been devastating to us all.
As I went on about my days, the date for the first appointment approached quickly. In the few weeks in between I had freaked out about the tiniest tinges of blood. This is normal, this is normal I kept telling myself.
On Sunday, July 16th, the evening of Quinn's birthday we were celebrating at her party. I got a text from my best friend Megan telling me that her grandpa had just passed away. It was so heartbreaking to hear this as she was so close to him and I was sitting next to my grandma right at the moment I got the text.
I drove down Monday to be with her. There was nothing I could do to ease the pain, but just be there. I had a little extra blood that day but still not much.
That Tuesday I had so much laying on my shoulders that I was fighting back panic attacks. My work was slipping behind as I had to travel so much and it was just all starting to weigh on me. Clients didn't know what was going on so I couldn't expect them to understand.
Wednesday we drove back down to KC for Megan's grandpa's visitation. I was a complete grouch that evening and just blamed it on pregnancy hormones.
Thursday the 20th, as soon as I woke up I had a lot of blood. More than I knew to be "normal" at that point. I completely freaked out. I called the Doctor and she wanted me to get blood drawn right away to check my HTC levels. She told me not to panic but I just knew in my momma heart it wasn't right. I knew my precious baby was gone, but I held onto the tiny bit of hope they were giving me. I text my doctor here in town and he set me up to come in and get my blood taken through urgent care. At that point I had to tell my parents. I called my mom and lost it. She then called my dad and he came to get me and took me to get the blood drawn. It was the last way I wanted my family to find out the news that was supposed to be exciting.
They couldn't find my veins very well so it took awhile but they got it. I had to wait until the next day to get the results. I went home to rest the rest of the day.
I called the next morning and she said the HTC levels were within a normal range. She wanted me to keep my normal appointment on Tuesday. The weekend was horrendous. The waiting was horrid. I laid in bed all weekend cramping and bleeding and thinking to myself that I had to rest if this baby was going to be okay. I knew it wasn't. I googled every possible scenario. This was the week of the NEMO fair and we love taking Quinn to see the animals. I was out of town that Monday so Justin took her and then all of this happened. We planned all week to go as a family on Saturday but Saturday came and the cramping was too much. I didn't want this to all happen out at the fair and it was scorching hot. I told them to go anyway. I got so upset as they were gone and felt so guilty that I wasn't there. We take a picture there every year in the same spot. This year we didn't get it. They came home and I just started to bawl. Quinn came in and asked what was wrong and daddy told her mommy didn't feel well and that I was just very sad I didn't get to go to the fair. She laid her head on mine and put her hand on my face and started to stroke it. She said "it's okay mommy, you're okay." I seriously don't know what I would do without this blessing of a child. She has no idea how much I need her.
On Monday the 24th I called first thing. They told me to go ahead and come down and get my blood drawn there. They would ask for STAT results which they should have within an hour. Justin came home right away to get me and we went. It was a quiet ride there. I was in and out of the lab there in no time and we went to grab lunch to wait for the call. The wait was agonizing. We ate our food in the car and I didn't even feel like shopping. Of course the nurse went to lunch at noon, right when they should've gotten the results and I had to wait an extra hour.
Once I got the call, she said the levels had gone up slightly, but not within a healthy normal range. She wanted me to go in for the ultrasound. I should mention that my OB was out and they set me up to see a different one. I wasn't too excited about that but honestly I didn't want to drive back down the next day. I wanted it over. They couldn't get us in for an ultrasound until 4, but they said we could go up and wait to see if they could get me in sooner. We went up there and they told us we could wait in there but it was unlikely we could get in early unless someone didn't show up. We decided to go back downstairs and use the restroom and make some calls. Justin called his parents and brothers outside as I sat on the bench inside. I text my sister-in-law who had been through it semi-recently and a few friends. I waited a bit and then went outside and sat with Justin. We then just held each other and cried. Justin is so strong for me.
As we waited in the waiting room I was comforted by the texts I was getting with encouragement and prayers. I went ahead and let my mom send out an email to the Tharp side of the family so they would be in the loop.
Once we got called back, we were blessed with such a kind ultrasound tech. She asked if we'd like the screen turned off and I told her no, I needed the closure with this. She explained everything as she was looking at it and we saw the sac with no baby. She showed us what my body still had to pass. Justin held my hand through it all.
After this we headed to see the doctor. She came in and let me know that it was a miscarriage but since my levels had gone up the slightest, they had to make sure I didn't get pregnant later than I thought and make sure the levels started to come down before they could give me pills to help me pass the rest. They needed me to get my blood drawn again on Wednesday. Once I got home I lost quite a bit more.
The depression state kicked in. I wanted this all over with. I tried to work a bit but laid in bed again most of the time. Wednesday came and I wanted to get the blood taken in Kirksville since that's all they needed. It was so hard to go in public. I almost had a panic attack just going outside. The feelings were unreal. Besides the Columbia trip that Monday, I hadn't been outside at ALL since the previous Thursday. I tried the hospital lab and they told me they needed a physicians signature. I took the paper and went to the parking lot. There I called my mom and just let my anger go. That was the stage I was in that day. Angry at everyone. Angry at everything. I was also very angry at how hard it is to get a simple blood draw when you don't have insurance. It costs me $14 total to get it in Columbia. I tried 5 offices here and they all wanted 50-100 for doing it AND the results wouldn't get here for 2-3 days and they needed it right away. After wasting my entire morning trying to find someone to take my blood, I just started driving to Columbia. Alone. Although I have so many wonderful and amazing people around me that would be there for me in an instant, I've never felt so alone. I got it taken easily once I was there and decided to walk around the mall. I sat down to eat at Panera and wouldn't you know, I sat right where I could see Motherhood Maternity starting at me. Yes, the little things now that sting. I went to Maurices and tried on a few things. I stared at myself as I changed shirts, watching things not fit and just cried as I looked at myself. What a broken mess. I was just shattered. I went to one more store and I just headed home.
I called the next day and they said the levels had come down 1000 points. I was still at 4000 and they needed to get me back down to like 5. She was going to leave a message with the doctor I saw because mine was still out on vacation. I started to wonder if this process was ever going to end. I was back to work on this day and just hoped and prayed that nothing would happen during a shoot. I did my first shoot and it went well. I called again to ask about getting the pills and she added it to the note for the doctor to call me back. I had a shoot with the local tv station KTVO at 1pm and I still had not gotten a call. I wasn't feeling great but I needed to push through. Do you know how hard it is to put on a face that everything is perfect when you're falling apart like shattered glass inside? Wouldn't you know the doctor called right at 1pm as I was there setting up. I was trying to talk to her about the important details of taking the pills in hopes that the anchors wouldn't hear the conversation. I'm sure they didn't all want to hear the explicit details. She called in the prescription for me and told me I could start them after work the next day.
During this process of grief, I decided that my hair felt like a burden. Go ahead and think I'm nuts but during this all I could think of was getting rid of it. My hairstylist is also one of my closest friends. We've been there during the hard times for one another and she was there for me yet again. I went in and we got rid of the hair. Several inches. And you know? I didn't even flinch. It was like I couldn't even feel or care that my hair was gone. But it was what I needed. Right before I left she said something and I fell apart again. I thought I could be strong. She held me and she had been there herself. Thank you, Paula.
That evening was Landon's 2nd birthday party. The last thing I wanted at that point was to be around people who would hug me and make me crumble all over again. I told my sister I probably wouldn't be coming. I decided right before it was time to go that it wasn't Landon's fault what I was enduring. I missed his first birthday because of a wedding. So I decided I'd drive separately and go. I also wanted to see my grandma because I don't want to regret not getting enough time with her. I did surprisingly well. God definitely gave me the strength.
The next day I had five shoots. I prayed that nothing would happen again during them. The first one went well, as did the second. The third was a newborn and again the Lord held my broken momma heart and it went well as well. In between, my sister-in-law, Morgan stopped by and gave me a beautiful necklace. I had gotten one for her when she went through it and now I had my own. It says "a piece of my heart is in heaven" with the March birthstone (when I was due) and a wing. I held it together at the moment but my heart was breaking and I was fighting back the tears. I was thankful to have such a beautiful reminder. I got through the last two and was done working by 7pm. I had worked from 9-7 and God gave me strength. By the end of the day I hurt all over. It was time to take the pills but I felt like I was passing a lot on my own and I was terrified of the pills so I skipped them last night. This morning I called the doctor and she assured me everything would be okay. She told me they'd take 8-12 hours to kick in. They worked immediately for me. Thank goodness for pain meds because I needed that right away too. I passed the rest early this morning and as much as I wanted that part over, I now feel empty, sad and broken. Because it's finally real and its finally over.
Friends, I'm writing this for myself to remember the details and emotions. I am not writing for sympathy, in fact I've learned so much during this process.
First, GOD is faithful. I'm not going to lie and say that I prayed during this entire time. Thankfully I had amazing friends and family doing it for me. But I was too shattered to even pray, in fact, angry at God for creating life and taking it away. But how thankful am I that the first thing my precious baby saw when it opened its eyes was the face of Jesus! I will meet my baby someday.
Secondly, my baby has a lot of friends in heaven. During all of this, I heard a staggering amount of stories of others that have been through this! I mean, staggering! This is heartbreaking to me! With this I learned that people also don't talk about it. I didn't want to. I didn't want people to know. But now its part of my life story. I am now a slightly different person because of this. My heart will never be the same and this will always hurt. People don't talk about this. Everyone's experience is different. It's a silent battle. But I'm sharing my story.
Words will hurt. Things I see for awhile will hurt. Seeing March due date announcements come up soon will hurt. Seeing newborns will hurt, pregnant people will hurt. I won't be angry or avoid ANY of this. I will be over the moon for these people. But it will sting. I know that I will have this joy again in the Lord's timing. Not my own.
Things I ask:
Please don't ask people "so when are you having another one?" or "Is it time for baby number 2?" My eyes were opened to all of this back when my brother and sister-in-law went through this. I saw the hurt and devastation. And now its me.
Thursday and Friday I said were hard to go in public because I felt like everyone around me was going on with life and I needed to put on a face. Nobody knew the hurt and the pain inside that I was facing. But this opened my eyes to the fact that NONE of us know the battles people face daily. We all put on a mask and face it. Each person has a story. Every person you encounter.
I want to take a minute to thank people. My friends and family have been absolutely amazing. I have so many beautiful flowers to enjoy and smell as I lay in bed. We've gotten food, gifts, flowers, encouragement AND people stepping up to watch Quinn as we go through this. THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts. Each and every prayer and kind word and gift was soaked up and I will never forget it. It makes me want to make sure I am that person to anyone else also going through a hard time.
My friend Megan also sent me a necklace that I got today. Its so special (I don't have a photo of it yet). Thank you, I will always cherish it!!
Right now I am broken. I'm not ready to face everyone. I'm not ready to move on because its still happening. But I needed to write it out so I have it. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us through this. Please also continue to pray for my Grandma if you would.
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| The day we found out |
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| Bye hair. |
