After

Hey guys, again, I do not know where I'm going yet with this post.  I just know that I need to write.  You would think I would need to write about this weekend, but I am in fact not going to do that.  The one thing that I'm going to say about this weekend is THANK YOU, to those of you that came to the funeral and visitation.  We really know how loved we are by the cards, flowers etc. that we got during this difficult time.  It's times like these that you really know who is there for you.  I'm very thankful for those that made the time to come to the visitation and/or funeral.  It was a great celebration of grandpa's life.

Now, the afterward.  Those of you that have lost someone before know that the afterward (after all of the service craziness, etc.) is the hardest time.  It's when you have to go on in life without the person that you've lost.  It's when you really realize they're gone.  It's when you lay down at night and think about all of the memories, even one to two weeks ago, and know that they're not here anymore.  It's surreal, and it brings forth many emotions.  Some deal with it by becoming snippy and grouchy (me), some stay quiet, etc., etc.  

Today, is a Monday.  Full blown, Monday.  Everyone I've talked to has had a bad day so far.  Mine, is pure exhaustion.  From Tuesday when grandpa passed away, to today, things have been non-stop.  I had a session Tuesday, three Wednesday, edited all day Thursday, visitation Friday, funeral Saturday and then a wedding to shoot that night, and then Sunday (which I normally have off) I had two sessions that I had rescheduled from Saturday.  Then I have four sessions today.  I've done three and have one left.  Those of you that know me know that I get cranky over two things.  Being tired and being hungry.  Go ahead, giggle, it's true.  And I'm exhausted.  I know that everyone is tired.  I'm not whining, I'm so incredibly thankful for my job and what I do along with having the ability to do it and having my clients be so sensitive and willing to be rescheduled if I needed them to.  But even afterward, tomorrow I'm going to have to kick butt at getting my sessions edited.  I will have nine sessions and two weddings to work on.  To top off the "being a Monday thing", as I was waiting for my first session this morning I checked some messages I had.  One lady told me that she was having trouble with the website, saying it expired on the 27th.  What??  I called my mom to see if she could get in, and she said the same thing.  Great, just what I needed.  With my whole website down, clients could not look at proofs or new ones could not get to the pricing page.  PLUS, I could not load new galleries. However, I did not get a renewal invoice so this made me angry.  I put it aside and did my first session. Then, back to freak out mode.  I was also annoyed that they do not have contact via phone.  I wanted an answer.  We submitted a "ticket" that said I'd get a response within 36 hours.  Blahhhh.  So I got on live chat where I could talk with other people having problems and one person would reply back from the company with what we should do.  Well...right before the found the live chat, I decided to stop freaking out.  There was nothing that worrying was going to do.  I just took a deep breath and asked the Lord to take this and I knew that with His help it would get resolved.

On this chat that I started talking on, I saw other people with the same frustrations as me freaking out on this poor admin lady.  Yes, we're all annoyed and trying to get help, but these other people were MEAN.  I was angry, but decided to politely ask what I could do to help my problem.  Going through a few steps and now it's mostly resolved but I have to tell you guys, my eyes were opened WIDE when I saw what people were saying.  Hateful, rude comments.  I have to ask, as all companies make mistakes and have mishaps, is being MEAN going to help anything??  I guess this is where I want everyone to think for a minute.  Have you ever been in this situation?  Trouble with a bill?  Trouble with a cell phone?  Trouble with getting something done that you'd like done quicker?  Do you realize that it's probably a mistake that a person can help you with if you act like a normal human being?  Most of you have jobs, do you like being yelled at by a customer?  I'd hope not.  Why, do we as normal people, feel the need to get mad and yell at a person who's most likely not in charge, but just in charge of customer service and trying their best to help you, along with the MULTIPLE other crazy people that they're trying to calm down at the same time?  Even at a restaurant if your food is wrong, do we get ticked off?  Or do we react as kind, loving people who understand that it was an honest mistake and kindly ask the waiter if the problem can be fixed?  I can guarantee you that MOST of the time if we act kind and respectful of the situation, the person trying to help us will react the same way and fix our problem much quicker.  This is really something that's been on my mind because I see it so often.  Even more so now since I'm a business owner myself.  I can't say that I'm always perfect at this either, but it's an area that God is working on me.  God opens all of our eyes to different things that He's working on in our lives.  He's refining us.  I just want people to think a little bit about the person behind the customer service desk or the person behind the phone or computer that is trying to help you with your problem.  They are a human being and you are not making them have a great day by yelling at them or being impatient.  You have no idea what they're going through that day, and maybe you're that person.  But YOU could be the person to turn their day around.  You could be the one person all day to say "That's okay, thank you so much for trying to help me.  I hope you're having a great day".  Might make them smile at least and know that there's still a decent person in the world.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

I hope that didn't sound like a rude rant today.  I really just want the world to open up their eyes and think before they speak a little bit.  I have been trying to make a more conscious effort at it anyway.  And although I'm grouchy and exhausted today, God has gotten me through it.  He always does, He always provides the little bit of strength that I need.  As I sit here with my window open and listening to the gentle rain pour down outside, I am comforted.  I am comforted in know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance (James 1:3)

So, there you have it.  My thoughts again for the day.  God teaches us something new every day if we open our eyes and are ready to accept it.  It might be the smallest thing, but it's something.  You are here for a purpose and you are where you are at right now for a purpose.  God has a purpose for us every day, even if it's just to make someone smile that day.  We don't know the exact reason, but it's there.  Let's all strive to be better people and let God refine us each day.  Even if you're the customer service person, even how upset it might make you to hear all of the grouchy people, just respond with a smile.  There's nothing more you can do to make an irate person happy sometimes.

I hope everyone has a better Tuesday.  Wake up tomorrow and ask "What do you have for me today, God?"

Unfocused...

Well, right now I have no idea what I'm going to say in this post.  This is probably just going to be a jumbled mess of words.  As most of you know, Grandpa passed away right after I posted my last post--the tribute to him.  He is with his Lord and Savior, probably singing and dancing again.  I am so thankful he's not suffering anymore, he was ready to go.  But, I do have to say that the pain here on earth with losing him is fierce.  I broke to pieces when I heard he had passed on.  He just meant the world to us.  I really feel for Johnnie and his boys, Justin, Kyle and Trent.  I know this is super tough on all of them, let alone for their spouses who got to be extremely close to him as well, and all of his kids and extended family.

The day he passed away, just two hours later I had a newborn session to go to.  I didn't know if I could pull it together and do it.  Justin came home that day so we could be together and he actually went with me to their house.  He got to completely keep his mind off of things for a little bit and just watch me to my thing.  Same for me, I got in my photographer mode again.  Somehow, God always gives me the strength to turn a switch into my professional mode no matter what I'm going through.  Justin says it always amazes him how I do that.  I turn into a completely different person and am completely focused on my job.  To be honest, it was great timing for a newborn session.  We got to see and hold a tiny new baby and see the gift of a new life.  Yesterday, I also had three sessions that I honestly didn't know if I'd have the strength to do.  The first one, a senior session, went really great.  The temperature was cool, is was a blessing.  I think it was also meant to be because I got to talk to the senior's mom and just associating with other people and talking about random things was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off of things.  She even gave me a hug and told me she was there for me if there was anything I needed to talk about.  God gave me the strength to get through the other sessions too.

But today is different.  Today is one of my editing days.  I have seven sessions that I'm behind on.  I am really really trying.  This morning I woke up extremely late because I didn't hear my alarm, or Justin's alarm go off, nor did I even hear Justin get out of bed.  I was zonked, but so thankful that God gave me the extra sleep because He knew I needed it.  I helped pack Justin's lunch and get him ready for the crazy day that's before him.  His job is going through a new transition and completely transferring to a new program and today is the launch of it.  He knew it was going to probably be a tough day.  My mind was completely focused on him and getting him ready to go.  

I have to say that right after he left, I was alone here with just my computer and dog by my side.  I don't like being alone right now.  My mind wanders.  I'm an emotional mess today.  I am trying so hard to focus so I can be with Justin the next couple of days that he's off and preparing for the services.  I know that the whole family is having a rough time with this, I am thinking of them so much.  We all miss him.  Death is a really hard thing for me to cope with.  

Justin has been doing okay.  He can't let himself sit and think much right now though.  He has to be staying busy.  I have to give a shout out to his work family.  You guys have been amazing beyond belief.  When you all heard that Justin's grandpa passed away, there was a lot of hugs given, you all completely understood that he would need time off, even during this crazy time, and you have all been there for him.  I'm not sure that there could be any better people to work with.  We love you all so much and can't thank you enough.  Well, I can't thank you enough for taking care of my husband and keeping his mind at ease.  

The services are to take place with the visitation Friday evening from 6-8 and the funeral Saturday at 10am.  Norman Funeral Home and Lancaster, MO.  

Thank you all so much for all who have checked on us.  We have some amazing friends and family.  Please continue with the prayers for all of us as we get ready to endure the tough services.  Please be in prayer for my husband as he lost one of his best friends!  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng

This is the song that came on my Pandora right after I heard he passed away.  Perfect timing.  WE can still only imagine what it will be like to be with Jesus, but Grandpa is singing and dancing with him now.  We can rejoice in knowing that!

One more random thing to express to my readers....THANK YOU.  I have had so many people comment, email or tell someone else how much my blog has encouraged or blessed them.  I pray that God will use this blog to keep encouraging you.  YOU are encouraging me to keep writing.  Thank you so much, I really didn't think people would read it when I first started.  You are keeping me going with it.

Today is Hard

Today is a hard day.  I don't even know where to start.  But today I cannot focus.  It seems to be the day where my computer likes to take forever to things and not work correctly when I need to get things done.  But, the bottom line is, I'm not okay.  I am admitting it.

I haven't even written about grandpa yet.  Well, as I refer to him as grandpa, please note that this is Justin's grandpa that I am speaking of.  Ever since I lost my Grandpa Findling in 2008 though, there is a void that needed to be filled.  Now, nobody can replace my grandpa or fully fill that void, but when Justin came into my life, I met this man that's so important to him.  The person that he talks about on a daily basis, the one that he always has stories to tell about, the one that helped raise him and made him into the man he is today.  I gained another grandpa when I met Justin.  Justin told me from the beginning that grandpa loved me.  He had a few other girls in and out of his life and grandpa didn't care much for them, but he reacted to me in a totally different way.  That means a lot.  This man is a very very special man.  I wish I could explain more how much this man means to my husband.  He taught him so many things and has always been there to help him.  He taught him so many life lessons and I truly believe that my husband is so gentle, kind and hardworking mostly because of what he has learned from his grandpa.  This comes to my mind when Justin told me this and continues to tell me this.  I have to admit, sometimes I question why Justin drops everything sometimes to help people when sometimes people don't care to be the same way towards us.  His response is what he said that his grandpa has always told him.  "Family helps family."  That's it, nothing more to it.  I completely understand it now.

Now that you know how important he is to us, I have to tell you that he is not well.  How many times have the doctor's said he isn't going to make it 6 months or a year?  Plenty.  Even back in Justin's junior year of High School, he had heart attacks.  He even died once.  This man has lived on only 20% (I think) of his heart for years.  He was supposed to not be here a long time ago.  When I was introduced about 4 1/2 years ago, he had so much life in him.  He was a heavy smoker then and always had to be doing something.  He couldn't stand sitting still.  Things had to be done.  Here is one of my first and favorite memories of him to your left.  I was invited by the family to go to a reunion on Grandpa's side of the family.  These people that we went to visit had a pony and a little carriage.  Grandpa wanted to take me on a ride.  This picture shows you just how much fun that was.  They have this picture in a frame at their house.

We wondered if he would make it to our wedding.  It was so important to have him there.  Well, as you can see, he made it.  Both he and grandma did.  It was very special.  I love this picture because you can tell grandpa is giving Justin great advice right then :)  Continuing on, grandpa has been in and out of the hospital since I have been around.  Doctors always saying he wasn't going to make it much longer.  I guess they didn't know grandpa very well, he always proved them wrong.  I can't describe all of the memories we have had with him, so I am going to attach a bunch of pictures at the end of this post.  Now, onto what's going on now.  Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital a lot lately.  Two weeks ago they said he wouldn't make it through the weekend.  He's still here, but continues to have his health fail even more.  I don't want to get into all of it.  Last week Justin and I, along with his parents and brother and fiance, Kyle and Morgan, went to visit him at the Memphis hospital.  Expecting him to not be well, he was in great spirits.  I cannot express how much fun I had that evening.  Justin played some bluegrass songs on his phone and grandpa tapped his fingers and even sang with what breath he had to sing.  We all talked and laughed so much.  We took a couple of pictures too.  It was really great.

He came home from the hospital this past weekend and they brought hospice back with him.  I didn't really think after he was so well last week, why they would need to bring hospice in.  I figured it was another one of those time he could kick through.  It wasn't.  He is now unresponsive.  We didn't know if we could bring ourselves to go see him like that.  But Justin had the day off yesterday (by the grace of God), and we had to go to Lancaster to pick up our garage doors.  Justin decided it would be okay to go see him.  When we walked in, I was really not expecting to see what I saw.  I immediately fell apart (which I felt so awful for because I needed to be the strong one for my husband).  Justin just talked to him.  Grandpa never did talk.  But we knew he knew we were there.  Then Justin decided to pray with him.  Grandpa responding by moving his hands and mouth.  He always loved it when Justin prayed and was so proud of him for it.  He's always been so proud of Justin in general.

When we left there, I could not stop the tears all the way home.  I had gone through the same thing with when I went to say good-bye to my grandpa before he went to be with the Lord.  But he was responsive and talked to me.  I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do.  But it's worse when they're unresponsive.  Like I said, this is hitting me so hard because it's real this time and I was not expecting it.

I am writing all of this, mostly for myself because I will tell you that today is not a good day for me.  Yesterday I was extremely upset and full of tears.  Today I am angry.  I am holding back all of my emotion today, I will not let myself be vulnerable and cry.  We both believe that Grandpa is ready to go be with the Lord and have his new body.  This isn't what he wants to be lying in a hospital bed, and nobody wants to see him suffer.  But it's just so hard to let go.  It's so hard to say goodbye.  And as I hold back the tears as I write this right now, I am asking for prayers.  I am asking prayers for the entire family and for grandpa.  We're all hurting.  This man means so much to so many people.  He is loved.  And today, I am very sorry if you've talked to me and I've been snippy at you.  This is how I'm handling it, and I hope that you can all understand that this is not who I normally am, but please understand.  I can't focus on my work today.  Things may take a little longer than normal to get done this week.  I have not been nice to a couple of family members that have spoken to me today but I'm hurting and this is how I am reacting now and I apologize.  Please pray, and please love me through this.  My husband and I are both reacting in different ways.  He needs to keep himself busy with his mind on other things, and I myself am numb.  I can't focus.  We don't know when the Lord will take him home, but the nurses say it will be soon, considering his kidneys are failing.  Again, please love me through my pain.  That's the main reason I wrote it.  I'm better at typing it all out and expressing my feelings this way.

My very favorite picture of grandma and grandpa. Their love really shows.
It was a blessing that I caught this moment.

Making popcorn balls as a family at our house,  2011.

Putting down the tile floor in our new house in the kitchen

How he always sits.  Doing math in my studio for the ceiling.

He may have fallen into the paint ;)

The night at the hospital last week when he was so happy.  He LOVED this picture and wants a copy.

The Path

Hey all!  Happy Sunday.  I have been thinking a lot lately, that's for sure.  I have been evaluating my life and examining the places that need to change.  I think the place that I've been trying to work on the most within the last month has been my worrying.  I am a constant worrier, about anything and everything.  I also take everything to heart and am an extremely sensitive person.  I've really been praying that God works on this stuff in me and He has been.  When I get a negative email or text or just someone or something small that's negative and means nothing, I let it ruin my day and my attitude normally.  I let it eat me up.  But I have to say that now that I'm focusing on trying to change it and God is working in me on that, I have been MUCH better about letting things just "roll off".  I realize that I'm human, I make mistakes just like everyone else.  I also realize that as much as I try to me likeable, not everyone likes me, and that's okay.  Just in the past couple of weeks, things that would normally eat me up and ruin my day, I just pray to God and let Him take them and move on.  I don't like controversy and it's really not worth it over trivial things.  "Turn the other cheek" is sometimes what comes to my mind when I want to bite back at the person with something hurtful just as they have hurt me.  It doesn't help anything.  Just let it roll off, and continue on.  Be the bigger person.

I have been doing so well lately with not stressing near as much when I have tons of things on my shoulders or to-do list.  I know that it will all get done and that I'm working as fast and as hard as I can. I've been positive about life, smiling more, etc., because I know that God is working in me in this area.  But, as you know, Satan hates that.  He HATES when we're doing well and when we're happy and likes to hit us where we are the weakest.  Just this week I heard that some people were talking negatively about me.  I'm not going to say that I instantly let that one roll of.  Because it wasn't just one person that I heard was doing it, rather it was two that I was told about in the same day.  Now, in my last post I wrote about my self-confidence and how I always think someone is talking negatively about me.  Satan knows this and how much I seek approval of others and this hit me where I was weak.  My first instinct was to retaliate.  To write a nasty facebook post or something so everyone would know I was hurt.  This state of mind that I had didn't last long, however, because as soon as I walked out of the door where I had heard these things, I prayed.  I prayed for comfort first because I was hurt.  It just so happened that I went to trade vehicles with my husband right then and he was able to come out and talk to me.  I fell apart in his arms and cried.  (I NEVER cry, rarely EVER).  This just affected me so much.  My husband was so sweet and gentle with me that I felt as though GOD was wrapping His arms around me.  I really was okay after that.  I just kept telling myself that I can't please everyone.  I am trying to be the best person I can be and constantly trying to be a better person in God's eyes every day.  I didn't write a nasty post, and I didn't just go spread rumors about these people, either.  Instead, I looked at it and immediately saw that Satan was trying to attack me and I wasn't going to have it.  He will not steal my joy.  This all being said, it all came together today when a guest speaker at our church, Neal Chamberlain, spoke just exactly about where I was at this week.  He read from 2 Timothy 2 and as he was reading, here's the very verse that popped off of the pages to me.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights." 2 Timothy 2:23 NLT

Just from this week, not just the instance I just described about the people talking about me, but even instances from the weeks prior where people have hurt me with words where I could've retaliated and started a stupid, meaningless fight that wouldn't get anyone anywhere except ending up with hurt and anger towards one another, I am SO glad that I just let it go and turned the other cheek and acted as though it didn't bother me.  There is no need for dumb fights, or bashing one another.  This lead to Neal's next point that WE, as christians are not nice to each other.  We are not nice people, and sometimes not accepting of where each of us are at in our lives.  He went on to make a very good point about how we are all at different stages of our lives.  We all grew up differently and have different backgrounds.  We all had instances happen in our lives that make us who we are.  Everyone is different.  He gave us something to picture in our minds to go along with this.  A track team.  It takes all different types of runners to make that team.  There are sprinters, mid-distance and long distance runners.  But we are all on the same path.  We just each go about it differently but that doesn't mean that the person who runs longer or the person who runs faster is doing it the right way.  We're all running.  We need to stay on the path and if one of our teammates is getting weary or tired and needs to sit on the bench, we need to encourage them back on their path and to finish the race.  This is the verse he used:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.  And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us."  Hebrews 12:1 NLT

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that what I got from this is just encouragement to look more deeply at my life and think more about my actions and words.  People are not nice, this world is a cruel world.  But I'm trying to turn it around and evaluate myself from it.  Am I a nice person?  Do I judge others in their walk with the Lord because it's different than mine?  Am I constantly encouraging other people?  There are always people that are not going to be nice to us, so I'm applying this to my circumstances from the past few weeks and try my best to be nice and look at my life and what I need to change instead of looking at theirs and what I think they need to change and how they've hurt me.

I hope this didn't just sound like a bunch of random thoughts of mine, but it's really what's been on my heart lately.  I'm going to continue to have joy and smile because I have a reason to.  I'm going to continue and strive to be a better, nicer person.  I know that God is working in other people's lives in different ways and times. :)

On a personal note, our garage is coming along FABULOUSLY!  I cannot express enough gratitude to my dad and father-in-law for giving up their Saturday and working all day in the heat to get this far on it.  My husband, too of course!  They did a fantastic job and it's getting really close!  We've had a couple of other friends mention too that they will help anytime we need it and I just want to say how much that means with their willingness to help.  I am so thankful!

Hey there, and Happy Friday!  I love Fridays.  They're typically my day off since I work on Saturdays. Now, that's not to say that I still don't work.  Most of you that know me really well know that I can't step away from work easily.  If I need to get caught up, I can't pry myself away.  So yes, I have been working away this morning on posting some galleries and finishing a wedding before I have another wedding tomorrow, BUT, I am taking this afternoon off to just relax and do some things for myself.  I am learning that life is short and work will always be there (still working on telling myself this, ha!:)

I'm ready to jump in with both feet with this blog.  I want my first legit entry to be about something that I struggle with.  I struggle with insecurity.  Yes, me.  To anyone who doesn't know me on a day-to-day basis, you may think that I'm a confident person.  In the pictures I post when I get dressed up, I've been told that I'm always camera ready and can't take a bad picture.  Well, what you don't know is that behind every picture is a girl that struggles so much with seeing herself as beautiful.  Some of you are rolling your eyes right now I'm sure.  I've been told more times than I can count how beautiful I am, so WHY do I struggle with it?  I really can't be sure.  It's always been a struggle of mine.  Why can't I look more like this person, or why can't I be tan with whiter teeth?  If I was just skinnier people would love me more.  I struggle with my self worth.  I get nervous every time I go in public, wondering if people are talking about me or what they think of me.  When I go to the gym, I feel insecure because I may not be as "fit" as other people or be able to do as much.  This is an area that God is working on in me, my friends.  And here's a great verse that I always think of.

1 Samuel 16:7- God looks at your Heart

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

You see?  God knows that I'm beautiful, but he looks at my HEART.  Everyone on this earth looks at outer beauty, and to be honest, a lot of people do the things they do as far as outer beauty simply because they want the approval of others.  I do.  Now, I have to say, there's absolutely nothing wrong in my eyes with getting dolled up.  I LOVE IT.  Every chance I have to get dolled up, I will and I normally go all out with it.  It's something that I just enjoy, putting outfits together, playing with my hair, etc.  It's great.  But what I need to know is that in the midst of all of that, I need to make sure that my inside looks beautiful to God.  I have no confidence, people, but I'm working on it....and now I'm going to share when I was at my rock bottom with insecurity.

All through High School I was always small.  About 115 lbs and size 2.  Still, at that time I didn't see myself as small (back to the insecurity thing), but I know this is something most girls struggle with.  When I got married I was still that same size.  Within the first year of marriage with being so busy with work and being an adult and having to cook meals, etc.  I have to say I let myself go.  It was easier to cook meals out of a box, or throw in a pizza when I didn't have time to cook anything else.  I wasn't active at all like I was in High School or college.  Well, I never thought that I'd gain weight.  But, I was wrong, very wrong.  I started to see things not fitting at all, having to get larger sizes and started wearing shirts that were "flowy" so nobody could see the weight I had gained.  At the end of 2011, around Oct. or Nov. I could really see it when people would post pictures of me.  My face got huge, which, if you're a Tharp, you know that it's the first place it goes! :)  I hit my rock bottom with feeling insecure.  I had gained so much weight and got really depressed about that (I'll post another post about that some other time).  I really saw myself as ugly and fat and didn't want ANY pictures taken or posted of me.  In fact if they were, I'd delete them or untag myself.  Christmas that year when pictures were taken of me was the worst.  In fact, here's two of them.  They're still hard to look at for me.

I know, I've heard it a thousand times.  "You don't look big, Emily".  But anyone knows when they've gained weight and I can really see it here.  For some reason around that time I had a visit with my regular doctor where they weighed me.  I had gained about 20 pounds and was about 140 by then.  (I know, roll of the eyes again.  It's NOT a heavy weight, but it wasn't normal for MY body)  My doctor told me that it wasn't really healthy and according to the charts I needed to be about 115-120.  I was devastated, about to tears that someone had really told me I was pretty much fat.  Well, nobody else would do it to my face so as much as it hurt, it's what I needed to hear from my doctor. Well, I had had enough.  I wasn't going to feel this way anymore.  In January of 2012 I made a New Year's Resolution.  I was going to lose 20 pounds and get healthy.  And I really did.  I went all out.  I didn't eat fast food, I only cooked/ate healthy food and I worked out, I worked out hard.  I got back to going to the YMCA.  I started out using the elliptical machine and then ventured into trying out some of their classes.  I got into zumba and loved it.  Then I even ventured into trying spinning--I loved it too!  Then I would go from one class to the other in a row.  I just kept on going with it and I was feeling awesome!!  In about three months I had lost ten pounds.  Now, the lighter I got, the harder it was to lose weight.  I was loving the feeling though.  Then I started to take up jogging.  I used to hate jogging but as soon as I started, I loved it!  I even did two 5k's.  My "official" one, shown below which was the Twilight Run last July.   I kept

jogging for awhile until October when I injured myself and wasn't allowed to run anymore.  I'm still in physical therapy to this day, but I'm working on getting built up to run again.  July was also the month that I hit 18lbs of weight loss.  I never did get my 20 lbs because I started weight lifting on my arms and legs.  Muscle weighs more than fat, you know :)  Now, I will show you my one year before and after picture.

 I'm extremely proud of how far I've come.  Working out is completely my stress relief and has really helped with my insecurity/self-confidence.  I don't feel like I have to hide completely behind baggy clothes anymore.  I can even fit back into my High School jeans :)  I don't workout seven days a week, especially during the crazy time of year for my business (which is now until Christmas).  It's hard to find the time, but I can feel the days that I miss.  My stress levels get high and I get down about my body more.  Do I LOVE my body now?  Well, I can't say I still don't see the flaws, but I'm not afraid to wear a bikini anymore!  I do eat fast food now once in a while, but I have gotten to a healthy weight for myself and been able to completely maintain it.  I can have things once in a while, but I still try to make my healthy choices and workout as much as I can because I love it and it's my hobby :)  I am really working on toning now, but have to have my cardio in every day.  You only have one body that God has given you.  Be nice to it!  God wants us to be healthy.  This whole process has really drawn me closer to Him too.  I could not have come this far without giving it to Him.  He's helped me see that I'm beautiful and is working on my heart to make it more beautiful every day.  There are still days I struggle, and always will with my self-confidence and insecurity.  It's who I've always been.  But with His help and through HIM, I have come this far.  I don't let people look down on me as much now.  I don't worry about what they think as much now.  I'm not at my rock bottom anymore, God has helped me out of the pit.  I feel so good after my workouts, I'm kind of a workout freak now!  I love weight lifting too :)  

There's my journey thus far.  I'm still at it a year and a half later!  I've never been able to stick with a New Year's Resolution, so I'm proud of myself for that one :)

Have a great weekend!

A Little Introduction

Hey there!  First off, I want to say that I'm a blog newbie, I have no idea what I'm doing.  Secondly, I wanted to say that I completely got the idea to do one of these things from my friends Tiffany and Morgan, I'm a complete copycat, yes, but Morgan told me to!  Gotta listen to that woman, she knows what she's talking about :)

Well, this may be somewhat boring.  I don't lead too much of an exciting life.  I work and manage household chores, fun!  I am mainly doing this blog for myself.  I have always loved to write.  Those of you that took Comp. in High School with me, know that this is true.  We had to keep a journal my senior year for this class and if she told us to write a minimum of two pages, I'd write ten :)  And I'd write every day, every part of my senior year is in those journals.  It really helps to write out everything.  So I am hoping I can look back on this as a journal as well, just to see the changes in life.

Now let me introduce you to this guy.  His name is Justin and he's my best friend!  Oh, and he's my husband :)  I love this man beyond words, he is always there for me and loves me unconditionally.  We have been married three years now.  I can't imagine life without him. Above, is also our "son" Max.  He's about three years old.  He's definitely our kid in this stage of our lives and keeps us laughing.  He's such a funny dog.  I have better pictures of him, but this is what I could find right now.

If you're wondering why I titled my blog the way I did, if you didn't know, I'm a photographer.  I own my own business and wanted to try to be creative with my titles, referring them to photography--ha, look how creative I am with my wording, go me :)  I also wanted to direct this too, though that I am more than a photographer.  There is a person behind that black box, an individual that there's so much more to than just a camera.  And I want to be seen in that part of my life too, besides just work.  I'll get into more detailed things later.  I'll talk about my weaknesses, what I'm learning from God right now, show pictures of the garage progress, and just update on little things in life.  There's more to me than the black box (camera, if you haven't gotten that yet ;).  I love the idea of getting to write again.  And I hope that even if just one person reads, they'll be encouraged.  I love to listen and encourage.  In the meantime,  Goodnight! :)