Yep.  Two blog posts in one week.  Too much going through my head, and one brutally honest post coming in 3, 2, 1.....

So.  I want you to take a look at this picture.  What do you see?  Looking from the outside, I see one fairly attractive, happy young woman who from a strangers point of view looking in probably thinks this person looks like this every day.  Nope.  This person is normally in sweats and a t-shirt/hoodie with her hair in a bun and just a dash of make-up, if that.  This person looks like she has it all together.

I'm here to be honest with you.  This person struggles.  This person is me.

I am emotional.
I am full of self-doubt/worth.
I am jealous.
I am anxious.
I take everything to heart.
I am depressed.

Yes, I said it.  Depressed.  I have struggled with this ugly disease for my entire life.  I am so thankful to not have it near as bad as others, whom I feel terrible for.  It is an every day mindset to get up every day and know that there is hope and a purpose for that day.  It's a constant battle in my head every time I look in the mirror or every time I sit down and see a fat roll hang over my pants.  Why am I not better?

I feel like there are some of you right now that are sitting with your mouths wide open because from the outside you see none of this.  I put on a pretty good face.  And I'm happy to say this year thus far, with the help of my Jesus Calling devotional that I do every morning I have had a better relationship with God than I have in a very long time.  I truly do have joy back in my life, even on my darkest days.

Without this relationship with God that I've had over the years, who knows where I'd be.  This is something that runs in my family.  It's not something anyone asks for, and it's not just a "I'm depressed today" feeling.  I've learned so far this year in my devotional that every time I have these negative "I'm not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough" thoughts, I have to direct my focus back to HIM.  He's the only one that can help me through.

Let me let you in on a little something.  You know those people that you just get real sick of seeing selfies of?  Those ones who post a new one every day? (I'm mostly talking about girls here).  Do you know why they post them?  To boost their confidence.  Most often these photos are not taken in vain.  Now, some people just are vain, haha, but I'm talking about my reasoning, and the reasoning of those who lack self-confidence and worth.  When you post a selfie, (I mean, after you take about 15 and choose the best one to filter through instagram until it looks the best it can), do you wait to see how many likes you get?  Do you wait until someone says "you look so pretty!"?  That photo you saw at the top of this post if I'm being 100% honest is exactly that.  I never get to dress up or take the time with my hair and make-up anymore.  For the first time in awhile I felt pretty.  This is why most people take and post pictures of themselves.  They're just looking for a little approval.  They're just looking to go back to that selfie that they looked beautiful in and know that on their "not so cute days" they still are beautiful....

Now do you look at selfies a little differently?  I see it all the time and I feel like we need to encourage one another.  We are all beautiful, whether we get dressed up or not.  Sometimes we just need people to encourage us and help us feel valued even when we should know that our worth comes from God.  He made us in His image and He doesn't make garbage or ugliness.

Sometimes this is not something that everyone struggles with.  There are so many other things that people struggle with.  But are we doing a good job with encouraging one another?  Look at other people's lives and see what they're good at.  My husband is great at helping people.  He has such a happy, helpful attitude not only in his job but you should see him at home!  Always asking me if I need a blanket, or if I ask him to grab something for me or the baby you will hardly ever hear him complain. He's a pretty selfless guy.  My dad is a quiet guy.  He avoids crowds and gets bypassed often.  Let me tell you that if you needed anything he'd be the first one there.  Car problems, mower problems, those things of the sort are his specialty.  My grandma Tharp has the gift of encouragement.  I have never seen the woman talk negatively.  She will always make sure there is peace and love in our family.  Those are just a few examples that came straight to my mind instantly.  I could write a whole blog about different people because EVERYONE has talents.  Some are hidden.  Let's encourage.

Now, on top of the negative things I said about the girl in the photo at the beginning, here are some positive ones.  I try to let these shine more than the negative ones, but when the devil gets a hold, unfortunately the negative ones shine a bit more often then they should.

I have a big heart.
I have a great listening ear.
I am loyal.
I love to give.
I love with my whole heart.

If you are like me, write some encouraging things about yourself and post them somewhere where you can see them often.  Let THOSE be the things that shine.  You are worth so much more than you think you are.  Don't let mirrors and these negative thoughts control you.

This post may be scattered and some of you may not agree.  But this was helpful for myself today just to write this all out.  This has been an emotional, overwhelming and stressful week.  The devil always likes to make those weeks ten times worse.  Don't let him :)

In conclusion, if you are a girl that doesn't feel worthy or beautiful, know that sometimes even the most confident looking "selfies" have the least confident people behind them....

Hello friends :)

What a lovely afternoon it is.  Sitting in the living room, watching Quinn play, Starbucks at hand, and listening to last Sunday's sermon from Lancaster Christian Church.  I love the way Billy preaches.  I had a precious newborn session early this morning, then I worked on editing and catching up, then I went to watch my niece for an hour or so (by watch, I mean guard the house while she slept, lol), and now I'm here!  I really should be working.  But I attempted that with Quinn this morning and was not successful so that's what me my venti starbucks cup and I plan to do when Miss Quinn goes to bed at 7!  In case you wanted to know the randomness of my day.

It has been such a long time since I've posted.  I've wanted to write SO many times but it's finding the time that's the problem.  Quinn is such an easy going baby so I can get tons done while taking care of her, but balancing that and getting my work done I hardly find the time for anything else.

Updates on Quinn.  She's not six months old.  She has one tooth and is working on getting another one, is working on sitting up on her own (she's improved so much with this just since last week!), rolling both ways to get to her destinations, loves to smile (still, happiest baby ever), talks all the time, loves her naps, eating lots of new foods (she's had rice cereal, oatmeal, bananas, squash, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, apple/banana, and mixed vegetables so far and she has eaten them all like a champ!), and her newest thing that luckily she only does sometimes is that she's learned to yell.  Not necessarily because she's angry, but just because she likes the sound of it.  And I can tell you that Max does not.  He isn't a fan of her yelling or screaming and normally comes and sits by our feet.  She's just too cute and I (and her daddy) cannot get enough of her!  Hard to imagine how boring my life was without her.  Very blessed to be able to still work full-time but keep her 5 out of the 7 days of the week normally.  Some may say she's the most documented baby ever as I take tons of snapchats during the day and send them to her aunties, grandma and her daddy, along with a couple of friends.  My phone is always full--ha!

Well it's been a whirlwind lately and a trusting God has taken on a whole new meaning for us lately.  We have a few things that have come up that we've just been praying that God opens the right door and leads us where we need to be and where He wants us.  One of the things we've been praying about has become completely clear to us, it's just a matter of being patient for the right thing to open up.  Lately, I've been feeling led to expand my business.  I have outgrown my in-home basement studio as much of a blessing that has been, and I want to be able to do natural light (which I do most of my photos of Quinn with) and also studio light.  I want it to be large enough to fit large families if we need to use it for that, and large enough to hold my array of props plus new ones.  I want it to have a professional/boutique feel, and also have an area for kids that aren't getting their photos taken to play.  I want people to be able to come in and pick up their orders if they'd like.  Come in and look at samples of things I offer, heck, come in and have coffee with me.  I'm just ready, and God is telling me it's time and opened up a lot of doors so far leading me this way.  This is a giant leap of faith for me.  GIANT.  This is a big chunk of income that will go towards this and trust me, satan has been beating me down where he can.  "What is people go elsewhere and I don't have any clients left to afford this new studio?", "what if another photographer comes in and takes all of my past clients?", "You're not good enough", etc., etc.  This is an every day battle in my head.  It's tough.

I would ultimately LOVE to build my own studio and have some land around it to be able to have my own outdoor setups as well, because Lord knows we all get tired of the lake (even though I try to make it look different for everyone).  So that's the door that we're waiting to open now.  I'd be open to a building with enough windows that I could transform into what I want, but I'd prefer it be outside of Kirksville still because city taxes could kill anyone's business.  Along with that, if the other thing we've been praying and trusting God with comes together, Justin will become more of a partner in my business.  He went to school for graphic arts so we could really expand things that we do.

Through this testing of faith, I've been pretty peaceful throughout the whole thing most of the time.  Most of you that know me, know that I am easily the most stressed out worrier ever.  However at the beginning of this month, I started a devotional called "Jesus Calling".  It's just a little paragraph a day with words translated from scripture as if God is talking to you himself.  I'm going to admit it, I'm terrible at comprehending scripture so I just felt overwhelmed by the bible most of the time.  Having this short paragraph every day that is as if God's talking to me is awesome. I have come a long way just from doing this devotional and I'd recommend it to anyone.  So far most of them have been about trusting and faith.  On the day I needed it most, when I was doubting both things that God's trying to do in our life right now...here's what it said:

"Depending only on Me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath:  the everlasting arms.  So don't be afraid of falling.  Instead, look ahead to Me.  I am always before you, beckoning you on--one step at a time." Deuteronomy 33:27;  Romans 8:39

if God is leading you to something, no matter how hard it may seem, no matter how impossible it may seem, He will always catch you!

Now, onto what I've wanted to write about since last week.  One day last week as I was getting ready, I put Quinn in her bumbo seat and had her on the sink with me.  I was putting on my make-up and noticed while looking in the mirror, Quinn was watching my every move. See photo below:

I thought it was the cutest thing ever, but at the same time is scared me to death.  My child is watching my every move.  Everything I do, she sees.  She's looking up to me.  Already.  We need to be examples to them.  How we treat out spouses, how we talk to others, how we handle every day tasks, how we judge ourselves.  They're seeing it all.  And my biggest issue is how I treat myself.  Girls go through so much with their self-worth.  And I put myself down constantly.  I'm not happy with how I look at all.  My body after baby is still hard to accept.  And I put myself down all of the time.  But you know what?  Quinn is seeing that now and she's going to think that's okay to do to herself and that's going to break my heart because to me, she's the most beautiful thing ever.  We need to teach our children to be positive now and our actions speak way louder than our words.  I'm working on this.

Another thing I have to say it something else my family recently went through that was really scary (that I can't get into because my dad will not be pleased), is please remember to take pictures, make memories, and spend as MUCH time as you can with your families.  As Justin has a really strange schedule, we try to take any day he has off and see family.  Last week we decided to see Justin's parents and it was fun.  And I'm so thankful to see my nieces and parents and sister on Thursday nights and Sundays, and my niece, nephew, and in-laws on Fridays.  It's such a blessing.

Below are some random photos from lately :)  Please be in prayer for Justin and I.  As I didn't get into the other thing we're going through (close friends and family are aware), it's been tough and we're doing our best to trust God through it and see what door He has ahead.

Thanks for reading my randomness once again.  Have a blessed week and remember to encourage someone today!

what a goober

new prop :)