This entire thing has been a roller coaster of emotions. One I most certainly did not get on willingly. I hate roller coasters....and I don't feel like the attendant checked to make sure I was securely fastened. Do you feel like that too? Or is it just me...?
When this all started I will admit, I was naive. I thought it would last two weeks at most. I can handle that, I thought to myself. God's providing a much needed break and refresher from work. One I don't have to feel guilty about because I'm literally FORCED to close, not a personal choice that people can question or make me feel guilty about.
So, once I realized this is not just a short thing, of course here comes all the worries. Obviously I'm a small, self-employed business owner who can't get paid unless they work. There's programs out there to help us that I've heard nothing from. And I know that I'm not the only one in this boat. But God has never failed me and won't start now. It's just so hard sometimes to put those worries at bay.
The main things I'm rejoicing in work wise right now is for one-it was just one month previously that I moved out of my old studio with rent and utilities and into my newly built studio where I no longer have the rental expense! That is amazing timing and such a blessing.
And He has still been providing in the most unique ways! Just this week I got an unexpected check in the mail from a friend, requesting to buy a gift certificate for a future session. It was a substantial amount. I could've cried! AND, I had about 10 open galleries before closing, and most all have ordered, and ordered substantial amounts. Keeping me busy and making income thus far. I am so grateful!
Then there's the stay-at-home mom role AND homeschooling. Two things I swore my entire life that weren't for me. I have such respect for those who do it on a regular basis. Ya'll are saints and I've always thought that. I know these aren't normal times for you being stay-at-home parents, but this proves that you all have amazing patience and strength.
The homeschooling on top of it....wow. A whole new world right there. I have a strong-willed child if some of you haven't noticed. I'm also a strong-willed parent--LOL. So....to say we butt heads is an understatement. She learns best in a classroom setting with others and through love and affection from a loving teacher. Which she had at school. Thank GOODNESS she does zoom meetings every Tuesday and Thursday. She is a gift from the Lord. All of you teachers are.
So where am I at right now. Currently a depressed, depleted of all energy, grouchier than ever mother and wife, tired of literally EVERYTHING, who just wants to shut it all off and hide under the covers until its all over. And every night when my head actually does hit the pillow, the mom guilt all comes flooding in.
I'm wrestling with myself a lot. I just told a friend yesterday that I don't just want to "survive". I don't want to have gone through all of this and had all of this time with my kids and wasted it. I know I'm being harder on myself than I need to be. But I have no doubt in my mind that God is showing each of us something through this and many of us are missing it--myself included. So what is He trying to show you? And have you stopped to listen? Or are you listening more to the enemy's lies telling you you're a bad mom that could do better? You're gaining too much weight during quarentine? You're not putting forth your best effort with work because there's so much else you're trying to juggle?
One thing I've found that makes me feel better is literally reaching out to other people. I'd like to be even better about it. But if you can make someone else smile during this...why the heck not?? Do you know someone that is all alone? Drop something at their porch. Send a note. Call them...text them. For the LOVE it takes five seconds!
I'm noticing people pull AWAY more than pulling closer during this. And if you're investing that time solely into your families--that's wonderful. We all should be doing that. Some of us are surviving just fine with this quarentine. Myself personally, I do NOT want to go back to the schedule that leaves me feeling so depleted. The one where there's obligations every night and never time together. I am just fine having no social obligations whatsoever. What I myself personally am struggling with most is not having a silent moment break. My kids are young and they need me constantly. I also have one that follows me like a shadow and seriously....they ALWAYS know when you're in the bathroom OR having a phone/video conversation. You feel me? But we're all having struggles in different ways, those are just my own.
My friendships mean so much to me. I've kept in very close touch with my "circle". My "tribe" if you wish. And I've tried my hardest to reach out on my Instragram, sharing the good, bad and ugly. And I've connected with so many people through that. Social media can be such a distraction, but also such a tool when used that way. To connect.
So are you connecting? Not only just with people...but are you connecting with the Lord, when you're tired and weary, is He the one you're running to to fill your cup? I'll admit I'm not. It takes friends pointing me that direction.
There's so many ways right now we can be spreading light and it doesn't even take much effort. I know this is the type 6 in me. I know I am always sharing my struggles, and that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine. Find your strengths and let God use them. Its a great time to be finding out what those are and how you can be used.
Yesterday I was feeling LOW. But I chose to get up and watch the sunrise and have quiet time. And I begrudgingly read out of Philippians. And then read the devotional with it in my First 5 app. And when I wanted to turn off all social media and stop everything I'd been doing thus far, something stuck out to me. Basically, if God has you here still, you have a message to be heard. So I shared my struggles on that platform yesterday. The just woke up look, eye bags and all. I shared my struggles and my heart. And you know how many people reached out and how many related? There's people out there that NEED to hear your message. I promise.
This feels like a lot of hodge podge I slapped together. Maybe someone needs to hear it, I'm not sure, but I know my heart needed to write. And I want each of you to know you're not alone.
I personally cannot wait for my one-on-one coffee and lunch dates with my friends. My quiet editing days at the office, date nights with my husband, and road trips to see my friends. But in the meantime, I'm going to try my hardest to "be still". Even if I don't get a single thing done in a day, realizing that its okay to sit and embrace the moment not getting anything productive done. Because I'm being productive by being present and not giving up.
The world needs YOU. I love you, friends. Don't lose the faith.
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| Read that shirt ;) |
