I miss you and you're still here...

Have you ever missed someone and they're still with you?

That's my life right now.  Before you go any further, let me preface this.  And mom, if you're reading, grab the tissues--because I know you.

My Grandma Findling (my mom's mom) as most of you know, has stage four pancreatic cancer (the silent killer they call it) and also brain tumors.  We found this out a couple of months ago.  Honestly, we are all suprised she's still here with us.  This cancer is usually quick acting and there's nothing you can do about it by the time its been found.  That's where we are with grandma.

You see, back when she was first getting sick and we didn't know what was wrong, I offered to go check on Grandma since mom was at work and worried about her.  I normally don't ever have time in the busyness of life to do these things.  That day she seemed okay.  She was over the moon to see me and we talked for awhile.  I didn't even know she had been sick until mom told me a couple of days later.  And then I was afraid I was going to catch the stomach bug--since she had been throwing up continuously.  We thought it was a viscous stomach bug and boy do we wish it was.  After that day and realizing just how much I'd brightened her lonely day, I decided that at least once a week I was going to make an effort to see her.  Even if for just a few minutes.  Little did I know, that would be the last time I'd visit her house and sit down one-on-one and just talk with her being "her", which I rarely did anyway because I'm just too "busy".  I decided this a little too late.

A few days later was when they finally took her to Columbia and we got this diagnosis.  She was in the hospital for a week and then got released to be home.  And there the journey began.  My mom and her sister doing full-time care for her.  At times about to pull their hair out, and never having time for themselves or anything else.  But I see that as like having a newborn.  As stressful as it is at the moment, those days will then slip by so quickly and we'll all wish we had them back.  This is a season.

When she first came home she was walking around okay, trying to gain her strength back.  Each day we've watched her slip just a little bit more.  Now, with the sterioids she's on, she doesn't even look like herself.  They call it "moon face" I believe.  Those steroids are the only medication helping with the nausea and keeping the vomitting under control.  Otherwise, she's chosen not to have treatment.  If she had surgery, its possible she may not make it out of it and although she hasn't said her reasoning, I believe its because she wants to cherish each of her days to the full.

I've been seeing her as much as I can in the midst of my own health issues and family life.  Sometimes every day, sometimes every other.  Its getting to the point where I don't know which time will be my last.  We are now to the point where she can no longer take care of herself (which we've been there for awhile) but she can't walk on her own anymore.  The few steps to the wheelchair are now like a marathon for her.  She's also quiet.  When she does speak its soft and you have to listen closely.

This week its all been hitting me a little more each time I see her.  I constantly snap pictures, because although they're hard to look at, I have to have them.  I won't regret having them later and I believe the family will be glad to have them also.  Its been hard to go to sleep because that's when I think.  I think about missing my baby.  I think about how hard its been to watch March birth announcements go up--although I am also joyful for those posting them.  I would be close to 11 weeks now, and I remember looking at the weeks on the calendar knowing that around labor day we'd finally be able to tell everyone.  But most of all I've been thinking about the times with my grandma.  Although I don't have a ton of memories with her, I was thinking of her contagious laugh, her tiny little short frame that everyone always towered over when she stood.  Her tiny feet that April and I would always love to raid her closet and try on her shoes because they were close to our size at the time.  She was always there for every birthday and special event, and still is currently.  And her hair, so much fluff.  Her perfume that always gagged my dad's sensitive nose--ha!  All of these things are over and have had their lasts.  Her laugh is soft, if even there.  She can no longer stand so hugs are all from sitting down.  The cards that she NEVER missed, although she's still trying to write thank-you notes even up to this point.  I don't know what I'll do when the next special event comes up and the mailbox has one less card because she never forgot and ALWAYS sent money, even if just $5 with it paperclipped to the top of the card.  I think the thank-you note I got from her when I gave her flowers in the hospital was probably the last I'll get.  And hollister stickers.  She never ran out.  Unfortunately, I'm already mourning my grandma that's still here.  Trust me, this doesn't mean I'm not cherishing the days I have, it simply means that my Grandma Findling will never be herself again.  And that kills me.  *cue the tears*

However, her hugs are now a little tighter.  They're a little longer.  And the "I love you so much" never ends.  She doesn't let go of your hand.  She longs to be "Grandma Findling" again just as the rest of us long to have it too.

Why am I writing all of this?  Mostly because writing is my therapy.  But secondly because friends, we seriously don't know when our last days are, or when is the last day for any of our loved ones.  It scares me that something like pancreatic cancer can't be detected and any one of us can have it.  We are all busy, but guess what?  YOU ARE NEVER TOO BUSY.  Family first.  My work has suffered slightly through this time but I've kept caught up as best as I can.  I will NEVER regret seeing my grandma so much in her last days, because in the near future I'm afraid they won't be there.  Make time for your loved ones.  If any of your friends and family are going through a hard time, BE THERE.  You are not too busy.  Yes, every single one of us have things going on in life.  But even just the few minutes that we all spend on social media scrolling through could be spent with a loved one to give them a hug, write a note of encouragement, send a gift...anything.  I know that through Justin and I's recent experience, I know who was there.  And my family and close friends were there.  And you darn well better believe I'll be there for them too.  There's nothing more to cherish than a friend or family member that puts themself aside for you.

I've enjoyed a nice walk with Grandma this week.  Although I guess you never fully picture having to push your grandma that was fully able just a couple of months ago in a wheelchair, it was a beautiful evening and I was thankful for that time and those moments.  Quinn and I have also gotten to have a few meals with her, always ending with ice cream, of course.  If you want to make her smile just bring that woman ice cream! :)

I wrote my last deovtional for Daughter of Delight just now.  As sad as I am about that, God has truly blessed me immensly through that process.  I think He has even opened my eyes and heart to starting something similar myself.  I'm not sure what direction it is leading but I love to encourage people.

This week I wrote about rain storms.  As most of you know we had a good amount of rain come on Tuesday.  They were pretty spiratic rainshowers, but so needed.  It got me to thinking about the storms of life.  We don't expect them, and we darn well can't prevent them.  But the Lord is our shelter.

My precious little Quinn was SO excited on Tuesday to come home, grab her rain boots and dance and jump in the puddles.   What a sight to see.  Dance in the rain, embrace them.  My dear friend Megan had to also remind me of that this week.   Also as I was leaving that evening for bible study, I saw a gorgeous FULL rainbow at the end of our street.  Just what I needed, a reminder of God's promises and faithfulness.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4 (NIV)

Here are a few pictures from recently.  Have a blessed week my dear friends, and please continute to pray for our family.  My Mom, Cindy and Grandma more than anything.

I have such sweet friends!  This gift was so encouraging to me!

Grandma and her ice cream :)

The days after

Since my last post, things have gotten better.  God has granted me grace and peace.  Sunday after everything was passed was depressing.  I was back to "me".  Empty feeling that it was all over and I was supposed to continue stepping forward with life as if (to the world around me) this didn't happen.  Friends that had experienced the same loss encouraged me that it will always hurt, but each day will get easier and there will be joy again.  They were right.

I feel like since I was chosen to write for Daughter of Delight's daily devotional team, God has provided circumstances in my life--some of the hardest I've faced, to share with others.  To write directly from my heart what He is teaching me through all of this.

Monday I had another blood draw, another trip to Columbia.  Just to make sure levels were dropping as they should.  My Grandma Tharp offered to go with me.  I don't think this woman knows just how special she is, especially to me!  I spent every day with her growing up.  How blessed was I to have her as a "babysitter" while my parents worked!  I don't know what I'd do without her and if I could strive to be like anyone on this earth, it would be to be like this loving, selfless woman.  I don't think I can ever think of a time she put herself ahead of anyone else!  What a bright light she is on this earth.

That day I felt good.  My grandma met me after my photo shoot that morning and we drove down.  We got to chat about a lot of things, as well as share a lot of laughs.  I learned and soaked up a lot more about her.  We got to eat lunch at Cheddar's and then I treated her to Starbucks before our drive home.  The doctor's office called me on the way home to share the results that my levels had dropped significantly and they were happy with it.

I went about my week honestly surprised with how well I was doing.  I was smiling again.  I almost felt bad that I felt that good already.  Don't worry, I still had my moments.  But in my head I was like "shouldn't I be really depressed?"  This is the peace the Lord gives.  That's the only way I can explain it.  He has reminded me time and time again through this that His timing is perfect.  I also am learning I can plan all that I want, but ultimately God's plan prevails.

This past weekend Justin and I (along with my whole side of the family) were invited to the wedding of some long-time friends of ours.  It was in Kearney, which is basically the KC area.  With everything going on, we thought we might just stay home.  With as much as we'd forked out to doctor's out of pocket, we didn't know if it was best.  The more we thought about it through the week, we realized we needed it.  Our savings account can sit there, or we can use some of it.  If we died tomorrow, money couldn't go with us anyway!  So we decided to make a miniature vacation out of it. We've been dying to take Quinn to the zoo for the first time and the weekend's weather forecast just prompted us that we should take it. I had been in the house for nearly two weeks and needed to get out!

I had hotel points built up and we decided to stay in Liberty.  We love the Liberty area!  We chose a hotel with a little water park inside we knew Quinn would enjoy.  My friend Megan only lives about thirty minutes from there, so we chose to go down Thursday night after work instead of leaving really early in the morning.  Plus, that gave me time to spend with her!  Quinn was so excited.  She kept asking where vacation was--LOL.  We headed down and Quinn was a rockstar.  She didn't complain once!  Megan has a little 8 month old baby (along with two older sons) and Quinn just loves him.  She played and laughed with him in the floor.  I was holding him and it was his bedtime.  I told Megan to put that lavender bedtime lotion on him. I used this stuff EVERY night with Quinn.  The scent made me flashback to my life three years ago.  As I rocked him and gave him his bottle, he fell asleep.  It's the little things that you don't think will hit you.  When you think you're "okay".  When you think you're past it.  The little things like rocking and snuggling a baby to sleep almost bring tears to your eyes thinking that in just about 7 months that would've been my life again.  What it would've been....

We slept in the basement and Quinn slept beside us.  She was pretty restless.  At about 6am on the dot, I noticed the sun peeking through the windows.  I knew it was just a matter of time before Quinn noticed.  And about one minute later, she was up in my face saying "Mommy wake up!  The sun is out, its time to wake up!"  And you wonder why we keep her room pitch black--ha!

We got on our way to the zoo, making good time and all of us were happy and excited.  I got to Liberty and realized I left my wallet on Megan's table with ALL of our money in it for the trip!  I called her and being the absolutely amazing person that she is, she loaded up FIVE kids (she watches two extra during the week) and met me in between so I didn't have to go all the way back!

Once we got to the zoo, the parking lot was packed.  We got in and once Quinn started seeing all of the animals she was just in heaven!  There was a goat feeding section and that was the cutest thing ever to watch her do.  She loved it.  We had packed sandwiches for lunch and got to enjoy a nice picnic in the shade.  We also decided to take a little sky ride over part of the zoo.  Basically like a ski lift.  That was fun!  We saw a mommy and baby ostrich.  Quinn said "Look!  There's a mommy and baby ostrich!  Where's the daddy?  Oh him is at work!"  She looked to her left and saw the daddy.  "Oh look there he is at work!"  I tried to get it on video because it was too hysterical.

We got through most of the zoo.  Quinn was bouncing here and there and it was WAY past the nap time that we skipped.  We made her get back in the stroller to ride and we realized that once we heard silence (because our child LITERALLY never stops talking) she was asleep!  Which she never falls asleep in random places!  While she was asleep I ran into the gift shop and got her a little monkey and giraffe to take home.

We ate at Texas Roadhouse (my FAV) before heading back to the hotel.  Once we got back there, we went swimming.  Quinn had a blast with that too!  She went right to sleep when it was time for bed and didn't fight it at all!  I just sometimes wish I could record everything and save it in the memory bank.  I feel like I forget the little adorable moments sometimes!

The next day we were going to go to Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead.  We woke up and it was pouring rain!  We took FOREVER to decide what we could do that was indoor, because we wanted to make the most of our trip!  We ended up deciding on Paradise Park.  An indoor play area.  Quinn had a great time with that!  There was a whole toddler area.  She even got to paint daddy's face!  She made him look like a cat she said!

After that we got some yummy japanese food and then headed to the hotel and we all took a nap!  From there we got dressed for the wedding reception.  We didn't go to the actual ceremony because our chatterbox probably wouldn't have sat through it!  Quinn thoroughly enjoyed herself.  The goody bags of candy were her favorite and it sure got her energy boosted to dance the night away on the the dance floor!  She cried when we left!  The next morning we got ready for church with my aunt and uncle in Lenexa.  I listen to their preacher every week so it was fun to go there in person!  Quinn was super excited about the continental breakfast at the hotel that she had the morning before.  She almost cried when she thought she wasn't going to get to have her fruity pebbles again!

The church was massive.  We parked across the street and the bus picked us up and drove us over to the church.  I think this was Quinn's favorite part!  She felt so big riding a bus!

During the song portion of the service, we sang amazing grace.  The song leader mentioned during the third verse that if God had helped anyone through a storm, this verse was about that:

Through many dangers, toils and snares, 

I have already come,

'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far,

and grace will lead us home

I don't know if you're like me, but I've heard this song a million times.  Never in my life do I recall it making me cry.  But Sunday, it did.  I think realizing what it meant and how it applied to me was crucial.  My loving aunt Kamden put her arm on my shoulder.  I'm not sure its if she realized that I was tearing up, or if she just knew it was speaking to me.  But again, its the little things that make me realize that although I'm taking steps forward to move along, I still may have some sharp steps ahead that are unexpected.  I'll always carry this with me.  But thank the LORD, He's ahead of me on it and guides my steps.  I highly encourage you to listen to the sermon from this past week.  An evangelist came to speak and he was great. www.lenexabaptistchurch.com and then choose to watch sermons.

After eating lunch with my family, we decided there was still time to go to the farmstead that we wanted to go to the day before AND we were only a couple miles away at that point.  Once we got there, they told us to come on in, this weekend was free admission!  How awesome.  I'd highly recommend this place.  TONS of farm animals and interactive things for children and it won't break the bank!  Quinn got to bottle feed baby goats, feed some big goats and ducks, and ride a pony for the first time!  She had a blast.  And she slept a good chunk of the three hour trip home!

I am so thankful we got to take this trip and make so many memories.  Quinn behaved amazingly.  She was so sweet and used manners all weekend.  She randomly stopped us to tell us she loved us and we got lots of hugs and kisses.  This is truly what we needed!  Don't forget to drop everything sometimes and make memories with your family.  Even if its not going anywhere!  We popped up a tent in the back yard last Tuesday and camped out--that was a lot of fun too! (Again, except that our child was awake with the first sign of and sun--haha!)

Life is short, make the most of this beautiful life!

PS, the first pictures posted here are from last weekend.  Morgan and Kyle came and picked Quinn up to spend time at the lake with her and her cousins.  So sweet!  She had an absolute blast and even got her first boat ride!  Then she stayed with Trent and Heidi and had a great weekend with them!  The support we've had from our family has been amazing!!

I get my Wednesdays off to be with Quinn!  We always make a day of it.  This past Wednesday we visited Great Grandma Findling, Great Grandma Tharp and then went to the wading pool!

In the midst of all of the chaos, we figured out our washer is broken.  And has been for some time I guess.  Makes sense why we never get the good smelling laundry.... My sister is amazing and took all of my laundry and did ALL of it.  Washed, dried and folded!  What a servant's heart she has.  And it smelled amazing!!

Waiting for my wallet! :)

6am caught up with her and she fell asleep before we got to the zoo!

Before church and then to Deanna Rose Farmstead!