Reflecting

It has literally been half a year since I've written!  I guess there just hasn't even really been a spare time to write!

Today I've been reflecting a lot as 2016 comes to a close.  When I've thought about this year, my first thought is, man, this has been a really rough year, I'm ready for it to be over!

The main thing that goes over and over in my head is Justin losing his job in April.  It truly rocked our world more than anyone will ever know.  We didn't talk about it a ton and really besides a few family members and a couple of friends I don't really think anyone knew what a devastation it was.  The pay and type of job it was, along with Justin truly loving it and being good at it we had finally thought "YES, finally, we are set".  But along with that was literally amazing health coverage for the entire family paid for by the company in FULL.  Unheard of.  We were so grateful and blessed to have this opportunity and only enjoyed that feeling for three months before the rug was ripped out from beneath our feet, literally.  I can't say that my blood doesn't boil even typing this out and I still have a lot of problems with bitterness towards this issue.  God is working on me.

Along with this, I bought a brand new vehicle that I hate, my grandpa had life altering surgery that had all of us worried to death, and there were two other friends (more like family) that had health issues this year that had us all on our knees praying, and also walking along side other family members as they struggled with infertility and the devastation that came with that.

Through all of this God has remained faithful.  Through the job loss He never once left our side.  He provided Justin with other opportunities that even though may not have been "our" plan, He has provided through it and truly has us relying and trusting in Him every day.  We also grew so much closer together!  We haven't figure out the "why" to the job loss, but then again we may never know it.  Thinking that we could've been "comfortable" with this other job and relying on that instead of God could've been a reason.  We really don't know.  We still sometimes ask "why", especially when we're still seeking the best option for health coverage.  Aren't we all-ha.

This year was also filled with more hate than I've ever seen with this presidential election.  Things keep getting more and more scary out there.

As I reflect through all these things, I'm also thankful for them.  It really makes me open my eyes and realize these are big things, but nothing compared to what other people have gone through and are currently going through.  Also, Justin has a job now, my Grandpa came through great and has been doing well, the two friends with health issues are doing well and the family members that struggled with infertility for a year are now expecting in June!  Praise the Lord!  He is faithful.

I met with one of my best friends for dinner last night.  Although I feel like when she moved and I had a child we drifted slightly.  However, through this year we have made a conscious effort to renew the friendship.  I heard a saying the other day that I find to be super true.  "A friendship that has lasted 7 years is a friendship that will last a lifetime".  I agree!  I've had a ton of "friends" come in and out of my life just in the last 5 years.  One I know will truly be a lifelong friendship, the others just left my life, and the ones I've had my entire life I still have!  It's like a plant though, you have to water the friendship for it to remain alive!  Anyhow off of that rabbit trail, at dinner she talked about the things she had gone through this year and how she wouldn't take any of it back because her relationship with God grew so much.  It inspired me.  I tend to put God in a box way too often.  I'm a planner and I have to do it all myself.  Today as I was stressing about more things that needed to be accomplished this year, I decided since Quinn was napping I just needed to write in my journal to God about the things I was feeling and give them to Him instead of carrying all of the weight on my shoulders.  I ended up in Psalm 37 and it really spoke to me in what I was thinking about.

My goal for this year is to strengthen my relationship with Him.  He's the foundation for everything and is the only true way I'll be happy and joyful, able to fill others once my cup is filled.  Here's to a great 2017!

I made a conscious effort to take my camera to events around Christmas time this year even though I get really tired of taking pictures since I do it every day!  I'm really thankful that I did because photos are the only way to preserve memories.  I already have my 2016 year book made and ordered--phew! Plus, we have no pictures at all with my Grandma Findling and this year I decided we were going to take some!  Enjoy!

A letter to my daughter

Precious daughter,

I want you to know what a gift you are to me.  It is so true when it is stated that the Lord knows exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it.  When most couples get married, they think about their children and their future family together.  We thought we were "ready" for you, but the moment I saw those lines, I was scared to death.  My whole life had just changed and from that moment on, I was a mother.  I was scared because I didn't know how to be a mother.  If I would know what to do in certain situations.  Your dad and I just assumed with the Buckallew genes that you would be a boy just like most of the others in the family.  So imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech told us otherwise.  When the monitor swept over where we were supposed to find out your gender, your dad said "I think I saw something!"  And I knew at that moment he was wrong as I said "I think I DIDN'T see something!"  The tech confirmed that you were a girl, and I couldn't help the tears from falling as I thought I'd never get a girl.  I was perfectly happy if you were a boy and had mentally prepared myself for it, but a girl?  Future scenarios flashed through my mind instantly.  Bows, ruffles, cute outfits, mommy and daughter days?  All fun times ahead.

The day you arrived was surreal.  They told me you had a head full of hair and I couldn't help but laugh when you came out bald as ever.  The moment they laid you on my chest I couldn't believe you were mine.  In that moment, tears fell from both your dad and mine's faces.  Your tiny fingers wrapped around ours and we melted.  We wanted the world for you.

And so as we were home and you started to grow, I got more and more emotional.  I'd rock you and spend so much time having deep conversations about how you needed to stop growing so quickly.  You didn't listen because here you are, two years old next month.

I just want to tell you thank you.  You made me a mother for the first time.  You've truly taught me so much about life.

I see perfection in you every time I look at you.  I can't tell you the countless times your dad and I just stare at you and just look at each other and say "she's so cute".  Multiple times a day.

Your big brown eyes (that started out so blue) get me every time.  They're accompanied by those extremely long black lashes that makes me think you may be a future mascara model ;)

Your genuine smile AND the cheesy one we get when we ask you to say "cheese" or smile.

Your laugh.  It's so contagious.  Truly the best music my ears have ever heard.

You still have those pouty pink lips that you had when you first arrived.  The first thing my doctor pointed out about you.

I just want you to know these things.  Every day you grow more and more beautiful to me, snuggling yourself a little deeper into my heart.  I will never take you for granted.

I know you will only continue to grow into more of an amazing, beautiful, talented and free-spirited little soul.  I want you to be able to come back and read this, just in case you ever feel like you're anything less than this.

Most of all I want to thank you.  You have no idea how much you help me through each day.  I'm sorry you've had to see me at my worst.  Struggling with my depression when all I want is to be a happy mommy for you.  I'm sorry for the moments I didn't play on the floor with you but you snuggled up and gave me hugs and kisses anyway.  You keep me going.  You pull me out.  You encourage me to be my best for you and your dad, and you're not even two.

I have so many dreams for you and I don't want you to ever lose that smile in this harsh world.   If I do nothing else right with being a mother, there is one thing I don't want to fail at.  I want you to grow to love Jesus, and be a follower and a light for Him.  You will do so many great things in this life, I know it.  Tonight we were talking about Jesus together and nothing made me more proud than to hear your little voice say "Jesus".

I want you to see the love your daddy has for me and know that there's someone hand-picked by God for you as well.  Wait for it.  One that treats you just like your daddy treats us, his girls.  We are very blessed.

I will always love you.  I will always fight for you, and I will always be here for you.  I want you to feel like you can always come to me for anything.  I'll always be here for you.

Thank you for your endless hugs, kisses and "I love you"'s.  You changed my world completely for the better and I don't know what I'd do without you.

I love you,

Mommy

Hello....it's me.  (oh yeah I know you all sang that when you read it)

You guys I don't even know where to start since it's been so long.  All I know is that I needed to write, mostly for myself.

Lately, my family has probably gone through one of the roughest times that we've had to since we've been married.  I think you all know from my last post a long time ago that I was dealing majorly with my depression and I ended up having to go on medication.  Ever since I started it I wanted to be off of it.  Just some of the side effects from being on it, etc.  However, it did help.  I made the choice to go off of it a couple of months ago and little did I know, the one that I was on is undoubtedly the toughest one to get off of--go figure.  AND, the doctors said I was reacting worse than most to the "withdraws".  There were days I couldn't even hardly function because I was so dizzy and nauseous.  And that lasted for probably two weeks straight.  Once that finally got out of my system, a side effect or "withdraw" that I wasn't expecting came on.  Weight.  And rapidly.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  I started working out more and eating more healthy and it just kept coming on, more and more and more.  And, with that my anxiety and depression came back in full force.  15 pounds probably within a months time came on without any control of mine, and it still hasn't leveled out no matter what I do.  I'm struggling with it a lot.  Sweats and yoga pants are pretty much what I can fit into at this point....

So with all of that going on, we suffered a huge blow to our family almost two weeks ago.  Justin lost his job.  The job that we knew God sent him to.  One he loved, one he was good at, and one that had benefits to support our whole family.  We told everyone it's where we finally thought he would be long term.  Well, under circumstances that nobody would see as "fair" he is no longer there.  I'm still not over it, and I still wake up every morning feeling like I'm waking up from a bad dream, that this will all just go away.  Why would God give us a taste of something and then rip it away?  What are we supposed to do now with insurance?  I was planning to scale back on my work some since Justin's was doing so well and I felt like I could.  Now I have to scale forward?  Why would these people be so heartless to rip this away from our family?  These are all questions we have had.  And let me tell you, I've never seen my husband so broken.  The night he came home after losing the job we just fell apart in each other's arms and cried.  We honestly don't know where to go or what at this point, but I know this is a testing time of our family.  A chance to grow--closer together and to God.  A chance to TRUST.  Do you know how hard this is?  Not knowing what's going to happen next?  I've been drawn to so many encouraging verses lately and this is the one that I've stuck with:

The Lord will FIGHT for you; you need only BE STILL--Exodus 14:14

If there's one thing I keep reading over and over is that we won't always understand our circumstances but God knows best.  He is protecting us from something, we just can't see it right now.  We are still having a hard time with this, but I have no doubt God will grow us through this.  But we would appreciate prayer during this time.  Let me just say something though, and I think anyone that truly knows my husband would agree.  This guy works hard.  He has given his all at every job he's been at.  He is kind-hearted and loves the Lord and always tries to do the right thing.  I know God has big plans for Him.

So with all of this (I feel like I'm making it sound like everything has been great around here despite the circumstances but this is not true), my depression came back in full swing and I knew for the sake of my family I had to see the doctor again.  I didn't want to, but not doing so would just be selfish on my part.  I can't feel weak in this, as it's nothing that I can control.  Anyone that has not personally dealt with this or lived with someone who has just has no clue.  I got put on something else again, something not as strong that hopefully wouldn't be too hard to come off of again and so far it honestly hasn't helped tons, but I really hope I get leveled out soon because during this time it's been hard to fully see what my purpose is.  I had a fight with the scale, and I won....because it died....when I threw it down the stairs.  I can't let it control me because right now I have to focus on getting better.  My life and worth doesn't revolve around that stupid thing.  Sure, I'm sure people have looked at me and thought "she's gained some weight lately", but if they only knew the story behind it.  I don't like to look at myself, I hardly even put make-up on anymore simply because I don't see the point unless it's Sunday.  But I know my main reason to keep moving forward each day and she's only a couple feet tall.  She gives me hugs and kisses when I'm down and giggles and dances to make me laugh.  Sure, she's super ornery and tests my patience, but this little girl looks up to me.  She relies on me.  And the way I see myself is the way she's going to learn to see herself.  My mom never really says anything nice about herself either even though she's a beautiful person (sorry for calling you out mom), but I'm sure that may be where I get a slight bit of it.  Children feed off of what they see.  I am learning that even though I don't see myself as beautiful at this moment, she does.  She thinks I'm the best person ever, I'm her mommy.  And so this girl is my total reason to be better.  I really wanted some mother/daughter pictures for mother's day.  I almost didn't do it because I didn't have enough confidence to do it, but I told myself to get over that real quick because my daughter will never be this small again.  These are memories for her to have.  

And so we did it tonight.  I did get my wisdom teeth out on Monday and I still can't smile because my jaw hurts, but I told Justin I just wanted him to catch some candid moments.  She's not at the age where she will sit and smile, but she will interact with you and those are the moments I wanted.  And I'm going to share these with you below.  

So, we are at a road of learning to cling tightly to God, which we should always be doing.  I'm personally learning my worth is not on the outside or on the scale....and things WILL get better.  I love my sweet husband and baby.