Hey everyone, I  know I'm writing two blogs pretty close together but my therapy is writing and I just had some things I'd like to share.

First off, holy cow.  I didn't know that many people would give my blog the time of day.  The amount of texts, messages and emails I received after this was posted (for the third time of deleting and re-posting) was amazing.  I never knew so many people struggled and related with the exact same issues that I'm facing.  I'm humbled, and I know that God pushed me to post that again so that people could read it.  I don't know why, to me it was just a jumbled mess of negativity that I'm facing, but I have been thanked for being so transparent and so open and real with what's going on because others are going through the exact same thing and say they aren't as brave.  Let me tell you, nobody, I mean nobody is alone in this and nobody should fight this battle alone.  I wrote my last post last night and posted it around 9.  A couple of people had read it before I went to bed and I figured I'd let it do it's thing through the night.  I woke up this morning and briefly checked to see if anyone else had read and the number was still the same.  Now, a person with anxiety and depression immediately feel like nobody cared to read it or I sounded super dumb.  So I immediately took it down this morning around 7.  Logically, that wasn't even enough time for anyone to have seen it.  I was told to post it again so I did.  I gave it 17 minutes and still felt stupid and removed it again.  After a few other friends (that hadn't seen it but caught it the second time around) had read it and told me to post it again and give it some time, I finally did after much hesitation.  You see, it's hard for people to see inside of my mind and heart and that post was all out there.  I felt ashamed even after I wrote it.  Feeling weak and alone.

Well, it must've been the time of the day to post that because I immediately started to receive private  messages.  All of which people were telling me stories of their own struggles with the same battle, or texts from my friends apologizing for not seeing my struggle.  Listen, it's not anyone's fault for not seeing my struggles.  Anxiety and depression can be super silent battles.  As one person commented "it's exhausting acting happy all of the time" and it's so true.  I am the best at doing that (putting on a happy face) at my job especially.  I seriously appreciate each and every one of you that commented or messaged me and encouraged me.  THAT'S what I need, and to feel like my writing is reaching at least one person is so awesome to me.

So, onto the reason I'm writing now.  My mom asked me to go to a movie that she's been wanting to see that came to town.  All I knew was that it was a christian movie.  I told her I'd go with her and my dad was kind of relieved because that meant that he didn't have to go.  haha.  I had no idea what this was about, I was just looking forward to doing something with just my mom because I can't remember the last time we got to do something like this.

In my last blog I asked for any prayers that anyone was willing to give.  You all must've gotten right on that.  When I went to this movie that I knew nothing about, I never knew it would bless me and be just what I needed right at this moment.  I feel like it's a must see for everyone.  I'll buy it and loan it to everyone when it comes out.  What I was struck with the most is how hard I'm fighting, but that I really haven't fully let go of these things to God.  I'm still trying to fight the battle myself.  And how much prayer time am I having?  In this movie, this woman literally had a closet that was her "war room" which was like a prayer room.  She wrote all of her prayers and dove into scripture writing those things down and hanging them in the closet for her to see.  It also showed a lot of forgiveness and bitterness.  Two things in my life that I need to work on.  See, I have a lot in my past that I'm still holding onto, and it's not hurting anyone but myself.  We aren't worthy to forgive but yet God forgives us and DIED for us.  Bitterness comes from the devil and I don't want him to have a hold on me anymore.  This one verse stuck out more than any other:

"Resist the devil and he will FLEE from you" James 4:7

I may have a chemical imbalance in my body that needs medication to balance out and that's okay, but that's not my entire issue.  My other issue is that I'm holding onto things that I need to let go of.  God will not forgive me if I won't forgive others, even if they didn't ask for it.  I have a few letters I will be writing to people, even if I don't send them.  I was flooded with a blanket of thankfulness to all of you praying for me.  God led me to that movie tonight and it was an answer to prayer.
Now, hopefully we can figure out the rest of it with a bit of medication and I will NOT be ashamed of it.  You don't need to be either, don't forget that.  And you are not alone.


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Update:

Today I went back to the doctor. He is prescribing me another anxiety type medication that has many less side effects. I will start it tonight. Within our discussion today, he decided it would be best to take some blood work to test my thyroid and hormone levels to see if any of this is causing any of the anxiety/depression. If you know me, I'll do anything to get away from a needle. Despite that, I put on my big girl panties and persevered. Two needles pokes, 4 tubes of blood, ten minutes later, and feeling a little light headed it was done. Here's to getting some answers. I follow up next week.

I also wanted to share a few photos that I took of Quinn yesterday. Since I take pictures every day as a job, I rarely do it for pure enjoyment anymore. Everyone wants to clock out of their jobs, right?  This is why I don't take my camera to events, etc because I would just like to enjoy the actual time there. Anyway, I decided I really needed to capture Quinn in her every day life in her raw form. Just doing what she does, nothing fancy. During the day she goes 1000 mph and we don't mess with clothes often when we are home. Judge all you want, but it's less mess and she's happy. Here below are some of Quinn just being Quinn.... Have a fabulous day everyone. And again, thank you for the continued prayers.

While trying to capture the eclipse the other night, I got a cool picture of the stars :)

xoxo

Emily

Hello friends.  Well it's a Monday again.  I have to say this one wasn't too bad!  And I was expecting it to be nuts since it was a full moon last night.

There are some of you that are probably wondering "what's up with Emily lately?  Has she gone crazy?"  No, not crazy.  Just dealing with a lot.  But I feel like the only way I can clear this up is by writing it all out.  I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation I guess because those who are really concerned have asked and know what's going on, but I just need to write it out because at this point I'd just accept some prayers from anyone who is willing.

I've been battling anxiety for months.  It's something I can't explain.  That mixed with the depression that I've battled my entire life was so much last week to the point that it was crippling my ability to even function.  I had to get into the doctor one day last week because I had noticed that for a couple of weeks every time the anxiety hit me hard, I was getting shooting pain up both arms and a headache.  Probably 4 out of 7 days of the week I'm having headaches.  I'm tired all the time.  I just miss being able to normally function.  So, when I was put on something to help me last week, the first day I took it I was wiped out.  Luckily I had help from my mother-in-law because it hit me hard and I slept all morning.  So, I knew then that it wasn't going to work for me because I couldn't do my job if I was going to be so drowsy.  Anyway, I have another appt this week to try something new to help.  In the meantime, for the sake of my health and not wanting to have a heart attack at the age of 25, I have to rid some things from my life that are triggering this.  The reason I am even having to take anything at all is because the doctor said everything going on in my life right now isn't anything that can be ridded out at the moment.

My mom insisted that Justin and I go away for a day just to relax.  After pancake days on Saturday, we hopped in the car and went to Columbia for the night.  We wanted to try a new place to eat and were craving pizza so the highly recommended joint was "Shakespeare's" and it did NOT disappoint.  I'm afraid I'd be there all of the time if we lived close.  So great.  Just went back to our hotel room and ate it and watched tv and passed out by nine.  It was nice to not have to get up until we wanted to the next day.  That doesn't happen often!  I decided it would be a great idea to go to ihop for breakfast since they had pumpkin pancakes and boy were those great too!  I love to eat at places that I don't get to eat on a regular basis.

I also uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and removed messenger so I no longer have any notifications to my phone, nor can I get on facebook on my phone anymore or have messenger going off all the time.  It's actually been really nice.  I've also stopped checking emails and business messages late at night so I can actually have stress-free evenings.  I am going to stop scrolling through facebook as often so I can stop seeing stolen photos of mine as people are never going to stop doing it and this is stuff I can't let run my life.  I will also stop posting as much.  I was having such issues posting impulse statuses with my emotions.  And what I hate the most is that if I actually post something about my opinion, someone that doesn't know me or talk to me at all is always going to post something rude back.  And it's just not worth it.  I hate drama.  Friday when I was battling panic attacks, I was just at my wits end and posting relentlessly, so it was better just to rid it for now.

On the bright side, I just have to say how blessed I am for the friends and family that I have.  I have gone through a long road of friends and who will still be there after you have kids, etc., and I have to say I have a solid set of friends right now and it truly keeps me going.  Thank you THANK YOU friends, you know who you are.  Your texts and acts of kindness truly keep my going.  And talks from my parents and sister that truly understand where I'm at right now and accepting it and wanting to help me as much as I want to be fixed means so much.  These things all keep me trucking along.

Ultimately as my mom keeps telling me it's the ultimate Healer that can get me through this.  This is SO true.  Now, just like depression some people struggle with these things as a true chemical imbalance and something they just can't control.  I'm learning that it's not something to be ashamed of.  I keep telling myself this....

The one thing that I can keep on doing to keep my mind off of myself is to think of other people.  I want my friends to know how loved they are and I know that sometimes one simple thing can make someone else's day, and seeing someone else smile helps me smile.

I guess I don't really have much else to say.  This is just where I'm at right now.  It's a daily struggle for me not to give into satan's lies every day.  I feel like an awful person for even going through this in the first place.  I'm just ready to be back to being me.  Being able to enjoy every day we are given.  I'm getting there one step at a time.  In the meantime, if you have any prayers for me I'd totally accept them.  I know so many people are going through far more than I am right now.

If you read all of this, thanks.  I hope you don't think any less of me or think of me as crazy or weak.  I wouldn't write it all out if I didn't want to be surrounded by some prayer, because we all know that God is the only one who holds our lives in His hands.  He has plans for each and every one of us!

I have some pictures to share with you from life lately....

the weiner mobile was at our hotel!

petting zoo at pancake days

her bracelet I got her from red barn :)

Justin taking all the girls for a ride!

ihop pumpkin pancakes!

Life quote :)

Thanks to my sister-in-law I'm hooked on sushi! (one kind, deep fried, lol)

Quinn loves her auntie and cousin Landon

She sat on his face while he read an entire book to her

Sorry it's upside down, but uncle Trent got her to fall asleep during the parade at pancake days!

My sister sent me this pic while we were gone and I thought she was hugging a doll!  It's her cousin Landon, she is always kissing and hugging him!

I'm cool now with Vans 

Tried to capture the moon last night, instead got a cool pic of the stars!

My new wreath I made tonight

Hugs for Max, he's not so amused!