As it is the first official day of Summer, my husband is officially on vacation from both of his jobs and its a day we can ALL sleep in....naturally I woke up at 5:03am. From crippling anxiety of course. Hereś how my mind works. Last week we cleaned out our garden shed and realized that mice had demolished my old stroller I had as a kid. My kids played with it a lot and we had to throw it out. So the trash truck comes and I know its officially leaving and my heart sinks that it won´t get passed down to my great grandkids. Yeah, then we just spiraled from there off of yesterday´s anxiety. Cool, huh?
So, here I am. Sitting in my happy place on my porch with my pup and a cup of hot coffee watching the sun come up and listening to the birds. I do this every morning until it gets too cold for me to stand it.
I think my last post was 3 years ago. I used to write all the time. The other day I was thinking how I don´t do a lot of the things that I used to love, and writing was one of those things. I loved when I used to blog and even write devotionals for a social media account. Does anyone even read blogs anymore though?
I deleted my social media apps this week. In most ways it feels freeing....and sadly, I was addicted to scrolling. What I thought was a dopamine hit and an escape from reality, really was just a huge hit on my mental health that I am already severely struggling with and have been for many months. The perfect families, perfect bodies, and small glimpses into lives that just look perfect really just made me constantly feel inadequate. The part I do miss, however, is connecting with so many people on Instagram. I have made so many genuine connections over there with people I would probably never have crossed paths with outside of that platform--hello introvert. I haven´t deleted the apps entirely, just off of my phone, and wow, I feel like I am truly present with reality. It can truly become an addiction very quickly. Now I don´t even take my phone where I go half the time. While I don´t plan on keeping it this way, I will for now, just while I work on my mental health. I can still check on the computer if I choose to.
Let me tell you about yesterday. First you should know...I pretty much cannot cry. I don´t know what happened that made me mask pain so much in my life or made me feel weak if I ever cry, but everytime I even feel like I need to, I quickly cut off that feeling and shove it all deep down. Well yesterday it spilled over. You see, yesterday was my youngest daughter´s last day of preschool. I knew it was coming...and I was preparing myself. But by preparing myself, I was just telling myself to be strong and not feel the feels. We started at the ECLC when Quinn (my oldest) was 4. She went for just one year but it was the absolute best experience. That place is incredible. They all know the kids names, it is welcoming to parents, all hugs and warmth and good mornings. You really watch your child flourish there. Brynlee was a tiny baby when Quinn first started there. Every day I would carry her in the carrier to drop Quinn off. Brynlee´s turn came around way too quickly for this momma, but fortunately, we were able to get Brynlee in for two years. Our quiet little shy introverted girl quickly bloomed into one who made friends with everyone and found her voice. She has made some super close friendships just like Quinn did (and still has) and I have gotten to connect with other parents in the process. To say yesterday was hard is a true understatement. Although she will just be a few steps away, we are going from our safety net where parents are encouraged to be involved, to the big kid school where you can´t even walk your child in and hug them every morning. No more walking them down the hall to breakfast and giving a million hugs and kisses while waving at all the friends who know your name. It is just...different. Needless to say, I broke down completely alone in my bed about 30 minutes before going to pick her up from school. The tears finally came, and as much as I hated it, I let them. Justin came up to get a charger and ended up holding me and I snotted all over his shirt and then ended up crying about most things that I had shoved down for months. I had to cut it off quickly and be strong for my girls so I still shoved a lot down, but it was a start. Quinn got in the car crying also because she doesn´t take change well either and she loved her teacher and class/friends this year so that was also gut wrenching.
Quinn had a very rough start to kindergarten which I won´t get into here, but those of you that know also know why this transition is difficult. We also did not even have a normal kindergarten or first grade due to covid, so I don´t have an accurate representation to go off of. I just know that is where Quinn really changed. In both negative and positive ways. She also met her favorite teacher of all time there and had some really fantastic moments also. The teachers and staff there are wonderful....that is truly not where I am trying to go with this. More so just a completely new and different environment. I have always struggled with knowing that kids have to sit in classrooms so long when they´re so young, but also do not know if keeping them home for me to teach them is what´s best for them or me. Something I have been praying about for years now.
It is easy as a parent to think you´re screwing up your kids or doing it all wrong. I struggle with this every day of my life, especially as I´ve navigated my health issues for 3 years now that have only gotten worse. It is hard to not be ¨okay¨ yourself, but trying not to screw up your kids in the process. Ultimately, I´m reminded often that God gave us these children because they are a gift to us and God chose us to specifically be the parents to these children. Relying on Him in the process is the only way, and He will guide if we let Him lead.
A lot of friends of mine and I have had conversations about how parenting in these times are scary. But we have to remember that God is not surprised. They were created for such a time as this and for a purpose.
All of this to say, I don´t know if anyone will make it through reading all of this, but I used to blog all the time and it is time to start doing things I love again. I am much better at writing out thoughts than speaking them. Truly there´s not a lot of people that truly know me in a deep way and if you´re one of them...I´m sorry LOL. I´m sure most people especially at my church think I don´t even speak or I am stuck up, but really I´m just in my own head and I do not ¨people¨ well, especially if it is surface level.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my rambled 5am thoughts. We will see if there are more to come! I am posting some pictures below of recent happenings. We have been enjoying watching our garden grow, watching a robins nest and babies hatch, watching niece´s be promoted to middle school and high school (wow, time is flying) and a few random moments in between.
