I'm writing this post as a followup to my last one, which was quite awhile ago I know.  It was the post about losing our sweet baby that we were expecting on March 14th.

I can't really explain the devastation of that.  And all that you have to go through before its really "over".  I don't remember where I really left off last time.  All I know is that within that time, I had to travel to Columbia at least once a week to get my blood drawn to make sure my levels were going down.  And the reason this is so important is because if they do not go down, you either have to take the medicine again or go for a D & C, which is NOT what I wanted at all.  Each time my levels had gone down, but it seemed like such a long process.

During this time I think I mentioned that when we first found out we miscarried, I didn't get to see my own doctor because she was out.  When it also came time to do the medication, my doctor was out again and the other doctor that I saw was the one that gave me all of the details.  From there, nobody had really told us anything to stay away from, abstain, etc.  We were running blind as we hadn't done this before.

Once it finally came time to have a followup with MY doctor, I had to give blood again.  We'd been having them do STAT results so that I could get the results the same day and avoid multiple trips.  Something was "off" and I felt it.

I waited as she came in the room and she expressed how sorry she was that this happened.  She also said she was happy to see my numbers coming down.  But I knew otherwise.  I asked her if she knew for sure they were coming down instead of going up.  She said "well have you guys abstained?" and I answered with no, not knowing that was a rule.  I had kind of gotten her concerned at that point.  From there she mentioned that she'd have to see me again in another week to make sure what was going on.  And she said that if my numbers didn't go down significantly, I may have to take the medication again.  Which is the last thing that I wanted to do.  And if they kept rising, we'd do an ultrasound to see what was going on with the possibility of a new pregnancy.  However, it was also risky for it to happen before my levels had gone down completely so there was a slightly higher risk of another miscarriage.

Let me explain to you that Justin and I had decided we were going to wait awhile to do this again.  It was a pretty big heartbreak that we needed to heal from and I didn't want to do it again anytime soon.  You could also say that I was naive to think that my body wasn't acting "regular" at that point, not that I was being careless.

One week later I returned to the doctor where they first did an ultrasound.  It was almost like watching it all over again.  Yet again another ultrasound that had a "sac" but no baby yet. There was also another little collection of fluid.  The ultrasound tech--whom I've grown to love because she is amazing.    She said my doctor would probably have me come back again to do another one to see if this is viable.  She said the second fluid collection could be a second sac or just a fluid collection that would absorb.  When we got to  see my doctor again, she said my numbers had gone up significantly.  She wanted to have me come back in two weeks to make sure the pregnancy was viable.  She even mentioned the word "twins" with the significant numbers I was showing.  I could've fainted at that point.  I was definitely pregnant again but didn't have my hopes up yet as I hadn't seen a baby or heartbeat yet.

I went back and started out with another ultrasound.  My sister went with me the time before and went with me again this time.  I was so nervous for what I'd see.  Would there be a baby there?  Would there be two?  Was everything okay?

I walked in and had my amazing ultrasound tech--I called to request and made sure I  had her again.  I was shaking to badly my sister actually had to hold my legs.  She immediately found the baby.  A huge sigh of relief, AND found the heartbeat!  She even said if we had come one day earlier we wouldn't have seen the heartbeat.  I was measuring at 6 weeks exactly.

Once I saw my doctor again, she wanted me back again in two weeks just to make sure everything was still looking good.

We went back again on Sept 26th.  Justin went with me this time.  Praise the Lord everything was looking great and I was measuring right on track.  One day shy of 8 weeks.  And we heard the heartbeat!  My doctor gave me my info packet that day and then I had to go get 5 tubes of blood taken.  Finally happy this was for a joyous reason and not just to check levels.  It was still hard to get excited or my hopes up--actually for either of us.  But still exciting all at once.  We did decide we wanted to hold onto the secret for awhile this time to avoid more hurt.  We just weren't ready to tell.

I'm writing this part as I'm 14.5 weeks along.  Our plan is to tell my extended family next Saturday, November 18th, because it's the next time we will all be together and telling in person is just so much more fun!  We will tell Quinn she's going to be a big sister just a day or two before that.  Because anyone who knows Quinn, knows that the world would've known way sooner than we were ready for them to because that girl can TALK.  Once they know, we will decide when I'm ready to post this for the world to see.  It's getting much harder to hide AND, I am needing to start telling my clients as it will affect many of them also having babies or hitting milestones when I'm going to be off for awhile.  Keep reading though and please know where my heart lies.  The reason that I'm posting a blog and writing from the heart rather than just posting a picture.

Right now there are A LOT of announcements going up.  Through my own share of grief, and even the short time in between that I wasn't pregnant, I experienced the pain.  I experienced the punch in my gut whenever March announcements went up.  Still, I watch as those people find out the gender of their children and I'm left to wonder what mine would've been.  I am over the MOON for these people.  What a precious gift from the Lord each child is!  Ours was too, even if only for a moment.  I've learned a lot through this.  The biggest thing I've learned is how naive I was the first time around.  We had no trouble getting pregnant and had a healthy pregnancy.  No miscarriage or infertility the first time around.  Still, this time although we have never felt the pain of infertility ourselves, I can see it through the eyes of others.  I have so MANY dear dear friends in my life, even those that aren't as close to me that I've watched suffer with infertility.  That struggle and pain is REAL!  I've also watched as many others have also suffered losses.  And many more than one!  My heart hurts for each person.  I was so afraid when I first found out I was pregnant this time.  So afraid that I'd hurt someone else through our joy.  I long so badly for each of those people to experience this gift if it be the Lord's will to.  And I wanted to write a blog post to share my heart and tell you I see you.  I see your hurt.  I see your fears.  I also want to say I know that gut punch feeling when an announcement goes up.  Not because you're a horrible person, but because you LONG for it and wish it were you!

Please also remember genuine kindness to everyone.  It is only through this experience and being with so many close friends struggling with losses and infertility that I finally know how to act.  Sensitivity is so key.  See a couple that's been married more than a couple of years and have that itch to ask "so when are you guys starting a family?"  See that family that has one child over a year old and have the urge to say "it's time for another one!" ?  I did.  Friends, please know how personal these journeys are.  It is so crucial that we refrain from asking those questions although they may not be hurtful to some, they are hurtful to many more than you might think.  So many are going through battles that we don't know about.  And so many don't talk about it.  I realize I'm being so open and honest about my own experience, but many aren't.  And many suffer alone.  Just remember, you are not alone!

With this being said,  we would like to let everyone know that God has sent us a blessing and we are due with our baby on May 9th, 2018.  We are so thankful.  We would appreciate any prayers moving forward!

The term "Rainbow Baby" means a lot to me.  The term rainbow baby is a baby that is born following miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.  In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope.  A rainbow baby brings light and joy but by no means replaces the angel baby.  We will always remember the one we lost and know that he/she is with Jesus.  We are joyful in the news of our Rainbow Baby coming in May!

In the photo below, that day was quite interesting.  I was so excited to get rainbow balloons.  With that day being so cold and windy, the green, blue and purple balloons all popped before we even got a picture!  The hormones in me had me all kinds of upset.  But I made it work.  If you notice any imperfections about this photo--sorry :)

--Finishing this post up now being 15.5 weeks, we told Quinn the news last night (Thursday).  She is just over the moon.  We made her a shirt that says "Big Sister" and I told her what it says.  She went around the entire night saying, "I love my sissy!"  Yes, she is adamant this is a girl.  She's refusing to believe that it could be anything but that.  She's been so sweet and excited.  We even let her listen to the heartbeat with the doppler.  She's going to be such a great big sister and such a big help.  Quinn and I will both wear our shirts tomorrow.  Her big sister shirt and my "Thankful and Blessed" with baby feet shirt.  I'm just going to let her show my family her shirt tomorrow and tell them.  We will see how it goes :)

Through all of this I've just been grateful for the Lord's timing.  I am a "planner" and thought I knew which month was the best timing for our schedules and my "busy season".  God had other plans!  And His plans are greater than we can ever imagine!

If you've endured this long post and gotten to the end, thank you.  I'd prefer if people took a moment to read where my heart lies.

When the quiet comes

I've sat down and started a post three times within the past week and a half.  Knowing that I'm writing, but also not finding the exact right words.  Or writing and realizing I'm not ready to write about the subject that has consumed my mind the past week.  I mean, how does anyone actually tackle grief anyway?  We've all had to to some extent or form in our lifetime, but death has a sting and it is my worst fear in life.  Losing loved ones.  And it just keeps getting closer and closer to home.

I should start by saying to those who don't know, that my Grandma Findling went to be with the Lord on Labor Day, Sept 4th.  One week ago today.  In the very last days, all of us were praying for God to take her, not because anyone was ready to lose her, but because she was suffering in horrible pain.  That in itself is something I hope and pray that none of you have to watch in your lifetime.  And if you have, I'm so sorry.  My mom never once left her side in those very last days.  She struggled to even use the restroom in thoughts that something may happen in the few moments that she was gone.  My sister and I stayed one evening to offer my mom sleep, which she desperately needed.  She hadn't slept in two days at that point.  But she still closed her eyes and woke every five minutes to make sure things were still okay.  We stayed until about 5am before heading home that night.  I'm positive that she wasn't anymore well rested than when we were first there.  But we were there.

The next evening they made the decision to transport grandma to the hospital.  They couldn't keep up with maintaining pain medications even on hospice--which ended up to not being anything we'd ever expected it to be.  This took just a tiny ounce of pressure off of my mom and her sister.  Knowing that she would be somewhere where she could be closely monitored.  I should mention that I hadn't heard grandma talk since the Thursday before.  I truly know now looking back that you never know when the last hug, laugh, or "I love you" will take place.  So embrace it.

The week before that on Wednesday I had decided to go over and see grandma after Quinn's dance class.  Justin was going to take Quinn home so I could spend time with her.  I should've known that I couldn't show up without Quinn with me, though.  They all wanted to see her!  So Justin brought her over there and Quinn danced and twirled in her dance outfit and grandma really enjoyed that.  I had even gotten her to laugh that evening and man had it been a long time since I'd heard that.  It was a weak one of course but still the same.  We enjoyed sitting on the porch.  She didn't say a whole lot but was awake the whole time that evening and more alert.

The next evening I had stopped by to see her after supper with a dear friend.  She wasn't very alert that evening and didn't really open her eyes when I arrived.  She was enjoying sitting outside though.  My sister also stopped by for a quick bit while she could.  Then mom and Cindy took her on her nightly evening ride out to the lake to look at deer and of course to get ice cream.  They did this religiously every evening.  I rode in the back, which wasn't the smartest idea since I get carsick, and even more so since there was no airflow since grandma was cold, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless.  Grandma didn't open her eyes much but did see the deer here and there along the way.  The one thing she spoke up and said in that car ride was "why am I not eating ice cream?"  The woman enjoyed her ice cream more than life itself :).  After the ice cream, they dropped me back off to my car where I got a hug and "I love you" from Grandma.  I didn't know that was the last I'd ever get.  But unfortunately it was.  That evening they got her into the hospital bed that was delivered to the house and there she had her last meal and was pretty unresponsive, besides letting them know when she had pain, from there on out.

We were at the hospital with them most of Sunday evening until we decided to head home.  Monday evening we spent some time with my Grandpa and Grandma Tharp and once I showered and got to bed that evening I got the call from dad that Grandma had passed.  I was relieved to know she was no longer in pain, but at the same time I fell apart once I hung up.  My husband held me as I cried, and then I picked myself up and went to the hospital to be with my mom.  My sister and I drove my mom home that evening so she could get her first sleep in four days.  I don't know how she even made it.

The visitation was scheduled for Thursday evening and the funeral for Friday.  None of it seemed real.  I'd only gone through this once before, for my Grandpa--her husband almost ten years ago.  Right before the visitation at around 3:40pm, I got a call from my husband, which I missed.  Then I got a text saying "I got in a wreck, I'm in the cop car I'll call you later".  Well of course I immediately text him freaking out.  He said he was fine.  That a semi hauling a bulldozer crossed the center line and the blade of the bulldozer caught the front of the van and swiped it all the way to the back.  And besides a few glass shards pulled out of his arms and face, he walked away untouched by the grace of God.  My dad said that if that semi had been 6 inches closer I wouldn't have a husband anymore.  Talk about gut wrenching.  And the semi kept on driving because it didn't even know it had hit him.  The state trooper was luckily semi close behind Justin and made sure he was okay and then went to stop the semi.  Just another glimpse into how life can be over in just an instant.

With all of that happening, my sister ended up picking up Quinn for me from the sitter and we had to take her to the funeral home with us until Justin's parents could get there to pick her up.  I wasn't prepared to explain what happened to great grandma to her.  She had just seen her the other night.  And the night before she had prayed for her to get better.  Before we went in, we explained to her that great grandma was very sick (which she knew) but she didn't get better.  And now she's in heaven where she is a lot better!  Once we walked in, I tried to keep her in the back but that didn't work because she's three.  She saw grandma lying there in the casket and she asked if she was sleeping.  And then she asked if this was heaven! (because she's in heaven and there's her body).  Such a tough concept for a three year old.  And then she asked if they were playing that music so she could sleep.  We eventually just ended up taking her outside.  Where people started to show up early, around 530.  There was an abundance of people.  I had close friends show up for me, as well as some unexpected.  It meant the world to me.  Being present will always mean huge things to me.  The day before, my best friend Megan set aside her day and drove three hours here and back just to spend the day with me because she knew I needed it.  And the night of the visitation, my friend Bekka drove two hours there and back just to see my briefly and be present.  That will mean more than she will ever know.  Some of my in-laws, people from my church, extended family and other friends showed up as well.  I can never thank any of you enough for setting aside time to be there.  Its HUGE to me!  I also had 4 flower arrangements/gifts sent to the funeral home to me personally from friends/family that who were far away and couldn't make it.  And my friend Kim personally delivered me some flowers and cookies!  I know I'm missing things that were done, but please know, all of you, I will never forget who showed up.  I will never forget who checked on me.  I won't.  It's all about being there for one another.  And you better believe I'll be there for each and every one of you too.

Grandma had a beautiful funeral the next day and we made it through.  It was very rough.  There's really nothing like feeling so vulnerable with being off to the left of the crowd feeling like everyone is watching you fall apart.  Before the funeral started, I was approached by not one, not two but THREE different ladies commenting to me about how I look JUST like my grandma when she was young.  Although I'd heard it a few times before, I was both proud and my heart hurt all at once to hear it that day.  I will gladly accept looking like her!  Once that part was over and things became quiet, they became so real.  I no longer have any grandparents on one side.  All we have are memories now, and I am so thankful for those.

One of the hardest parts of all of this was finagling my work.  That whole week all I wanted to do was first off, be with my family and then secondly just fall apart and take time to grieve.  Unfortunately with owning your own business you can't just "take off" or get bereavement days.  I had to only reschedule two shoots, thank goodness and those people were very gracious and understanding.  Most people in general that were waiting on orders or photos to be edited were so wonderful to me.  I have some amazing and kind clients in my life.  There were also those who were not, which was so hard.  Even having to answer to people on the day of the funeral, but that just comes with it I guess.

Now that things are quiet and we are supposed to resume life as normal, I have a hard time with just moving forward so quickly.  Most do not know what the past two months have been like--especially for my mom and her sister, and I pray that you never will know.  But its hard to just "get on with life" as people think you should.  It is all going to take some time.  Sure, we have to get on with doing life's regular demands.  But its only by God's grace we can move forward and know that there are joyful days ahead.

Life can be so full of disappointment.  I've found that out with those that we expect to be there during the hard times and they're not.  I can sit here and focus on THAT, or I can choose to be thankful for those that were.  All I'm learning is that I cannot let it change ME.  I am that person that is there, despite how I've been treated.  I don't want that to change.  It just makes me more aware for when this happens to someone else, how I should be there.  My only advice to anyone reading is BE PRESENT.  Yep, texts, emails, messages are awesome.  And when you're far away that's what you've got to work with and that's wonderful!  But let's not get so wrapped up in our own lives and being "busy" that we forget to be PRESENT.  Turn off your phone and be with your family.  Let the laundry wait and play with your kids, meet with a friend or go see your family.  CALL someone if you're far away!  I know life has so many demands that its hard to keep up.  But you don't know when your last day is or a loved one.  Don't regret it when they're gone.  My husband was almost gone.

I may not be fully "me" right now with the storm that I'm in lately, but I'm thankful I have a few friends willing to hold an umbrella for me until it passes.  You know who you are, and you mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Here's to you Grandma.  I know that you're reunited with Grandpa in Heaven and you are whole again, marveling at our Creator.  I can't wait for that day.  Please hold my precious baby just as I asked you to until I can get there!  You better believe anytime I eat ice cream, hear "How Great Thou Art", see deer at the lake or see a blue taurus I'll be thinking of you.  I'm so thankful you got to hear every one of my "daughter of delight" devotionals that I wrote and maybe that's just the reason God chose me to do it!

Quinn was in awe of sweet baby Oakley at cousin Makenzie's party on Saturday!  She even got to hold her

I miss you and you're still here...

Have you ever missed someone and they're still with you?

That's my life right now.  Before you go any further, let me preface this.  And mom, if you're reading, grab the tissues--because I know you.

My Grandma Findling (my mom's mom) as most of you know, has stage four pancreatic cancer (the silent killer they call it) and also brain tumors.  We found this out a couple of months ago.  Honestly, we are all suprised she's still here with us.  This cancer is usually quick acting and there's nothing you can do about it by the time its been found.  That's where we are with grandma.

You see, back when she was first getting sick and we didn't know what was wrong, I offered to go check on Grandma since mom was at work and worried about her.  I normally don't ever have time in the busyness of life to do these things.  That day she seemed okay.  She was over the moon to see me and we talked for awhile.  I didn't even know she had been sick until mom told me a couple of days later.  And then I was afraid I was going to catch the stomach bug--since she had been throwing up continuously.  We thought it was a viscous stomach bug and boy do we wish it was.  After that day and realizing just how much I'd brightened her lonely day, I decided that at least once a week I was going to make an effort to see her.  Even if for just a few minutes.  Little did I know, that would be the last time I'd visit her house and sit down one-on-one and just talk with her being "her", which I rarely did anyway because I'm just too "busy".  I decided this a little too late.

A few days later was when they finally took her to Columbia and we got this diagnosis.  She was in the hospital for a week and then got released to be home.  And there the journey began.  My mom and her sister doing full-time care for her.  At times about to pull their hair out, and never having time for themselves or anything else.  But I see that as like having a newborn.  As stressful as it is at the moment, those days will then slip by so quickly and we'll all wish we had them back.  This is a season.

When she first came home she was walking around okay, trying to gain her strength back.  Each day we've watched her slip just a little bit more.  Now, with the sterioids she's on, she doesn't even look like herself.  They call it "moon face" I believe.  Those steroids are the only medication helping with the nausea and keeping the vomitting under control.  Otherwise, she's chosen not to have treatment.  If she had surgery, its possible she may not make it out of it and although she hasn't said her reasoning, I believe its because she wants to cherish each of her days to the full.

I've been seeing her as much as I can in the midst of my own health issues and family life.  Sometimes every day, sometimes every other.  Its getting to the point where I don't know which time will be my last.  We are now to the point where she can no longer take care of herself (which we've been there for awhile) but she can't walk on her own anymore.  The few steps to the wheelchair are now like a marathon for her.  She's also quiet.  When she does speak its soft and you have to listen closely.

This week its all been hitting me a little more each time I see her.  I constantly snap pictures, because although they're hard to look at, I have to have them.  I won't regret having them later and I believe the family will be glad to have them also.  Its been hard to go to sleep because that's when I think.  I think about missing my baby.  I think about how hard its been to watch March birth announcements go up--although I am also joyful for those posting them.  I would be close to 11 weeks now, and I remember looking at the weeks on the calendar knowing that around labor day we'd finally be able to tell everyone.  But most of all I've been thinking about the times with my grandma.  Although I don't have a ton of memories with her, I was thinking of her contagious laugh, her tiny little short frame that everyone always towered over when she stood.  Her tiny feet that April and I would always love to raid her closet and try on her shoes because they were close to our size at the time.  She was always there for every birthday and special event, and still is currently.  And her hair, so much fluff.  Her perfume that always gagged my dad's sensitive nose--ha!  All of these things are over and have had their lasts.  Her laugh is soft, if even there.  She can no longer stand so hugs are all from sitting down.  The cards that she NEVER missed, although she's still trying to write thank-you notes even up to this point.  I don't know what I'll do when the next special event comes up and the mailbox has one less card because she never forgot and ALWAYS sent money, even if just $5 with it paperclipped to the top of the card.  I think the thank-you note I got from her when I gave her flowers in the hospital was probably the last I'll get.  And hollister stickers.  She never ran out.  Unfortunately, I'm already mourning my grandma that's still here.  Trust me, this doesn't mean I'm not cherishing the days I have, it simply means that my Grandma Findling will never be herself again.  And that kills me.  *cue the tears*

However, her hugs are now a little tighter.  They're a little longer.  And the "I love you so much" never ends.  She doesn't let go of your hand.  She longs to be "Grandma Findling" again just as the rest of us long to have it too.

Why am I writing all of this?  Mostly because writing is my therapy.  But secondly because friends, we seriously don't know when our last days are, or when is the last day for any of our loved ones.  It scares me that something like pancreatic cancer can't be detected and any one of us can have it.  We are all busy, but guess what?  YOU ARE NEVER TOO BUSY.  Family first.  My work has suffered slightly through this time but I've kept caught up as best as I can.  I will NEVER regret seeing my grandma so much in her last days, because in the near future I'm afraid they won't be there.  Make time for your loved ones.  If any of your friends and family are going through a hard time, BE THERE.  You are not too busy.  Yes, every single one of us have things going on in life.  But even just the few minutes that we all spend on social media scrolling through could be spent with a loved one to give them a hug, write a note of encouragement, send a gift...anything.  I know that through Justin and I's recent experience, I know who was there.  And my family and close friends were there.  And you darn well better believe I'll be there for them too.  There's nothing more to cherish than a friend or family member that puts themself aside for you.

I've enjoyed a nice walk with Grandma this week.  Although I guess you never fully picture having to push your grandma that was fully able just a couple of months ago in a wheelchair, it was a beautiful evening and I was thankful for that time and those moments.  Quinn and I have also gotten to have a few meals with her, always ending with ice cream, of course.  If you want to make her smile just bring that woman ice cream! :)

I wrote my last deovtional for Daughter of Delight just now.  As sad as I am about that, God has truly blessed me immensly through that process.  I think He has even opened my eyes and heart to starting something similar myself.  I'm not sure what direction it is leading but I love to encourage people.

This week I wrote about rain storms.  As most of you know we had a good amount of rain come on Tuesday.  They were pretty spiratic rainshowers, but so needed.  It got me to thinking about the storms of life.  We don't expect them, and we darn well can't prevent them.  But the Lord is our shelter.

My precious little Quinn was SO excited on Tuesday to come home, grab her rain boots and dance and jump in the puddles.   What a sight to see.  Dance in the rain, embrace them.  My dear friend Megan had to also remind me of that this week.   Also as I was leaving that evening for bible study, I saw a gorgeous FULL rainbow at the end of our street.  Just what I needed, a reminder of God's promises and faithfulness.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4 (NIV)

Here are a few pictures from recently.  Have a blessed week my dear friends, and please continute to pray for our family.  My Mom, Cindy and Grandma more than anything.

I have such sweet friends!  This gift was so encouraging to me!

Grandma and her ice cream :)

The days after

Since my last post, things have gotten better.  God has granted me grace and peace.  Sunday after everything was passed was depressing.  I was back to "me".  Empty feeling that it was all over and I was supposed to continue stepping forward with life as if (to the world around me) this didn't happen.  Friends that had experienced the same loss encouraged me that it will always hurt, but each day will get easier and there will be joy again.  They were right.

I feel like since I was chosen to write for Daughter of Delight's daily devotional team, God has provided circumstances in my life--some of the hardest I've faced, to share with others.  To write directly from my heart what He is teaching me through all of this.

Monday I had another blood draw, another trip to Columbia.  Just to make sure levels were dropping as they should.  My Grandma Tharp offered to go with me.  I don't think this woman knows just how special she is, especially to me!  I spent every day with her growing up.  How blessed was I to have her as a "babysitter" while my parents worked!  I don't know what I'd do without her and if I could strive to be like anyone on this earth, it would be to be like this loving, selfless woman.  I don't think I can ever think of a time she put herself ahead of anyone else!  What a bright light she is on this earth.

That day I felt good.  My grandma met me after my photo shoot that morning and we drove down.  We got to chat about a lot of things, as well as share a lot of laughs.  I learned and soaked up a lot more about her.  We got to eat lunch at Cheddar's and then I treated her to Starbucks before our drive home.  The doctor's office called me on the way home to share the results that my levels had dropped significantly and they were happy with it.

I went about my week honestly surprised with how well I was doing.  I was smiling again.  I almost felt bad that I felt that good already.  Don't worry, I still had my moments.  But in my head I was like "shouldn't I be really depressed?"  This is the peace the Lord gives.  That's the only way I can explain it.  He has reminded me time and time again through this that His timing is perfect.  I also am learning I can plan all that I want, but ultimately God's plan prevails.

This past weekend Justin and I (along with my whole side of the family) were invited to the wedding of some long-time friends of ours.  It was in Kearney, which is basically the KC area.  With everything going on, we thought we might just stay home.  With as much as we'd forked out to doctor's out of pocket, we didn't know if it was best.  The more we thought about it through the week, we realized we needed it.  Our savings account can sit there, or we can use some of it.  If we died tomorrow, money couldn't go with us anyway!  So we decided to make a miniature vacation out of it. We've been dying to take Quinn to the zoo for the first time and the weekend's weather forecast just prompted us that we should take it. I had been in the house for nearly two weeks and needed to get out!

I had hotel points built up and we decided to stay in Liberty.  We love the Liberty area!  We chose a hotel with a little water park inside we knew Quinn would enjoy.  My friend Megan only lives about thirty minutes from there, so we chose to go down Thursday night after work instead of leaving really early in the morning.  Plus, that gave me time to spend with her!  Quinn was so excited.  She kept asking where vacation was--LOL.  We headed down and Quinn was a rockstar.  She didn't complain once!  Megan has a little 8 month old baby (along with two older sons) and Quinn just loves him.  She played and laughed with him in the floor.  I was holding him and it was his bedtime.  I told Megan to put that lavender bedtime lotion on him. I used this stuff EVERY night with Quinn.  The scent made me flashback to my life three years ago.  As I rocked him and gave him his bottle, he fell asleep.  It's the little things that you don't think will hit you.  When you think you're "okay".  When you think you're past it.  The little things like rocking and snuggling a baby to sleep almost bring tears to your eyes thinking that in just about 7 months that would've been my life again.  What it would've been....

We slept in the basement and Quinn slept beside us.  She was pretty restless.  At about 6am on the dot, I noticed the sun peeking through the windows.  I knew it was just a matter of time before Quinn noticed.  And about one minute later, she was up in my face saying "Mommy wake up!  The sun is out, its time to wake up!"  And you wonder why we keep her room pitch black--ha!

We got on our way to the zoo, making good time and all of us were happy and excited.  I got to Liberty and realized I left my wallet on Megan's table with ALL of our money in it for the trip!  I called her and being the absolutely amazing person that she is, she loaded up FIVE kids (she watches two extra during the week) and met me in between so I didn't have to go all the way back!

Once we got to the zoo, the parking lot was packed.  We got in and once Quinn started seeing all of the animals she was just in heaven!  There was a goat feeding section and that was the cutest thing ever to watch her do.  She loved it.  We had packed sandwiches for lunch and got to enjoy a nice picnic in the shade.  We also decided to take a little sky ride over part of the zoo.  Basically like a ski lift.  That was fun!  We saw a mommy and baby ostrich.  Quinn said "Look!  There's a mommy and baby ostrich!  Where's the daddy?  Oh him is at work!"  She looked to her left and saw the daddy.  "Oh look there he is at work!"  I tried to get it on video because it was too hysterical.

We got through most of the zoo.  Quinn was bouncing here and there and it was WAY past the nap time that we skipped.  We made her get back in the stroller to ride and we realized that once we heard silence (because our child LITERALLY never stops talking) she was asleep!  Which she never falls asleep in random places!  While she was asleep I ran into the gift shop and got her a little monkey and giraffe to take home.

We ate at Texas Roadhouse (my FAV) before heading back to the hotel.  Once we got back there, we went swimming.  Quinn had a blast with that too!  She went right to sleep when it was time for bed and didn't fight it at all!  I just sometimes wish I could record everything and save it in the memory bank.  I feel like I forget the little adorable moments sometimes!

The next day we were going to go to Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead.  We woke up and it was pouring rain!  We took FOREVER to decide what we could do that was indoor, because we wanted to make the most of our trip!  We ended up deciding on Paradise Park.  An indoor play area.  Quinn had a great time with that!  There was a whole toddler area.  She even got to paint daddy's face!  She made him look like a cat she said!

After that we got some yummy japanese food and then headed to the hotel and we all took a nap!  From there we got dressed for the wedding reception.  We didn't go to the actual ceremony because our chatterbox probably wouldn't have sat through it!  Quinn thoroughly enjoyed herself.  The goody bags of candy were her favorite and it sure got her energy boosted to dance the night away on the the dance floor!  She cried when we left!  The next morning we got ready for church with my aunt and uncle in Lenexa.  I listen to their preacher every week so it was fun to go there in person!  Quinn was super excited about the continental breakfast at the hotel that she had the morning before.  She almost cried when she thought she wasn't going to get to have her fruity pebbles again!

The church was massive.  We parked across the street and the bus picked us up and drove us over to the church.  I think this was Quinn's favorite part!  She felt so big riding a bus!

During the song portion of the service, we sang amazing grace.  The song leader mentioned during the third verse that if God had helped anyone through a storm, this verse was about that:

Through many dangers, toils and snares, 

I have already come,

'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far,

and grace will lead us home

I don't know if you're like me, but I've heard this song a million times.  Never in my life do I recall it making me cry.  But Sunday, it did.  I think realizing what it meant and how it applied to me was crucial.  My loving aunt Kamden put her arm on my shoulder.  I'm not sure its if she realized that I was tearing up, or if she just knew it was speaking to me.  But again, its the little things that make me realize that although I'm taking steps forward to move along, I still may have some sharp steps ahead that are unexpected.  I'll always carry this with me.  But thank the LORD, He's ahead of me on it and guides my steps.  I highly encourage you to listen to the sermon from this past week.  An evangelist came to speak and he was great. www.lenexabaptistchurch.com and then choose to watch sermons.

After eating lunch with my family, we decided there was still time to go to the farmstead that we wanted to go to the day before AND we were only a couple miles away at that point.  Once we got there, they told us to come on in, this weekend was free admission!  How awesome.  I'd highly recommend this place.  TONS of farm animals and interactive things for children and it won't break the bank!  Quinn got to bottle feed baby goats, feed some big goats and ducks, and ride a pony for the first time!  She had a blast.  And she slept a good chunk of the three hour trip home!

I am so thankful we got to take this trip and make so many memories.  Quinn behaved amazingly.  She was so sweet and used manners all weekend.  She randomly stopped us to tell us she loved us and we got lots of hugs and kisses.  This is truly what we needed!  Don't forget to drop everything sometimes and make memories with your family.  Even if its not going anywhere!  We popped up a tent in the back yard last Tuesday and camped out--that was a lot of fun too! (Again, except that our child was awake with the first sign of and sun--haha!)

Life is short, make the most of this beautiful life!

PS, the first pictures posted here are from last weekend.  Morgan and Kyle came and picked Quinn up to spend time at the lake with her and her cousins.  So sweet!  She had an absolute blast and even got her first boat ride!  Then she stayed with Trent and Heidi and had a great weekend with them!  The support we've had from our family has been amazing!!

I get my Wednesdays off to be with Quinn!  We always make a day of it.  This past Wednesday we visited Great Grandma Findling, Great Grandma Tharp and then went to the wading pool!

In the midst of all of the chaos, we figured out our washer is broken.  And has been for some time I guess.  Makes sense why we never get the good smelling laundry.... My sister is amazing and took all of my laundry and did ALL of it.  Washed, dried and folded!  What a servant's heart she has.  And it smelled amazing!!

Waiting for my wallet! :)

6am caught up with her and she fell asleep before we got to the zoo!

Before church and then to Deanna Rose Farmstead!