You are Enough

Hey friends!

I have wanted to write for months.  Finding time however has been a struggle.  I literally go to sleep thinking about things I want to say, drive in the car thinking about things I want to say....but never get time to actually write it out.  Once I actually sit at the computer then I just end up rambling and not actually getting the thoughts out that I intended. #mombrain.

I have SO many things to be doing right now--this should really be the last thing on my list.  However, I feel a tug from the Lord that I need to write it out.  After all, this is the gift God has given me to use.  Writing and encouragement.  Talk to me to my face and there's no way that I can express exactly what I'd like to say like I can with writing.  That's always been me.  I used to write my parents notes and they used to get onto me for not saying it to their face.  I've just always had to write it out.  To me, its no less heartfelt.  Just my way of expressing myself.  I feel is has a lot to do with my self-confidence always being low and suffering in that area.  When I write, I don't have to see faces and feel like I'm being judged.  Now once I post I'll think....and overthink and think some more about what people thought of my words.  Hey its just me!  I'm learning to accept myself exactly how I am--finally.

Ya'll.  This has been a week for the books.  I'm reminded constantly in my freak out modes this week that my little tiny trials are trivial and nothing is life threatening.  Alas, don't we all have overwhelming weeks where thoughts and feelings completely take over and sometimes---okay, a lot for me, we tend to seek God not in the order that He should be sought out.  You know, FIRST!  I continue to pretend I'm superwoman and can do it all without anyone's help.  Because asking for help is a sign of weakness.  At least that's what the tiny voice in my head has always told me.

I could list each thing about my week that has not gone as planned.  Little things that have crushed my spirit completely.  Made me feel completely defeated.  But that's not the purpose of this post.  You see, I'll tell you a few things I've learned through it so far...

Number 1:  Not everyone has your best interest at heart.  I tend to post my feelings on social media.  A struggle, yes.  There's actually A LOT that I don't post, but in the midst of feeling completely defeated, I post simply because I'm looking for someone to reach out and build me back up.  I don't know if any of you can relate.  Again, being transparent here and its not something I love to admit.  But I guarantee you there's a few of you out there that do the same.  Its not a horrible thing.  Encouragement is necessary and ESPECIALLY from the ones who love you completely just as you are.  But we all have a handful of those in our lives that sometimes just care to know WHAT happened rather that caring about what they can do for you or how they can pray for you.  I believe I've even been guilty of doing this a couple of times in my life.  Now there are those that could really care less, and that's fine.  But there are those that really just want to "know" and those that truly and deeply care about your well-being.  FIND THOSE PEOPLE AND LOVE THEM.  The others, just guard your heart.  I try so hard to not be that person that spreads my negativity of all that's going wrong to everyone.  Don't get me wrong, to the right people this is necessary.  You can't completely bottle things up to the point you will explode.  But watch who you vent to.  And nobody likes a constant debbie downer.    But the main moral here is that our worth is not found in people, but yet in the Lord.  I struggle so hard with this.  A quote from Lysa Terkeurst (seriously love this woman) put it all in perspective for me today.

"The more we fill ourselves with God's truth, the less we need validation from others.  Don't get me wrong.  Validation from others can be a wonderful, beautiful thing.  But if our need of it makes us develop unrealistic expectations, we'll exhaust our relationships.  There are some deep soul needs that can only be met by God alone".

SO. STINKING. TRUE.  Encouragement from friends is vital.  Its my love language and spiritual gift all in one hence why its a need for me.  But seek the Lord FIRST, because He's the only one that can fill the soul the way it needs to be filled.

NUMBER 2:  Satan attacks when something good is happening.  He hates it and he worms his way into our thoughts.  Friends, I started a new bible study this week called "Breathe" by Priscilla Shirer.  I've only watched the video and gotten into like 2-4 pages of this study so far for this week, but ladies this is totally hitting the nail on the head with exactly where I'm at right now.  I feel a huge weight on my chest most days.  I feel like life has completely overtaken me.  I have constantly begged my husband to somehow figure out how to give me some sort of a break, a nap, something.  Since Brynlee has been born (actually before) about seven months ago there has not been a time that I haven't been working or been without children.  Its a hard stage of life and I STILL have not gotten the swing of things with two kids.  I wing it completely.  That's motherhood, am I right?  Can you relate?  My husband works two jobs.  He's out the door before 5 each morning to load trucks for UPS and then heads to Preferred from 9-5 with no lunch break ever to complete his 40 hours per week.  Then he picks up our oldest and by the time they get home along with Brynlee and I after I pick her up, its supper, baths and kiddos in bed by 7.  And we are not far behind that.  Its each day this way.  Shout out to him for giving his all for us, working so insanely hard for us to provide.  He doesn't get near enough credit for it.  Thankful for having someone to work as a team with me.  But seriously....weekdays are draining.  Then I work weekends.

Here's the one quote that has stuck with me all week:  "Are we so comfortable with exhaustion that we can't enjoy a break when it's thrust upon us?"

You see, I don't know if you're like me, but I feel guilty when I sit and there's things to be done.  Not that I'm given many opportunities, but maybe I'm just filling those opportunities with things that can wait.  The dishes, the editing, the laundry....

Tuesday I had actually gotten "semi" caught up on work and I'm like "hey, by Thursday (my next work day) I should have this stuff caught up just in time for Christmas minis Sunday!"  Like, what do I even do with myself??  The house even got cleaned and even the floors vacuumed--say WHAAAAT?!  I was feeling good.  I should have known....

Fast forward to Wednesday being rough for both Brynlee and I and then to today when the babysitter gets sick and I'm frantically calling and texting around because I have a shoot that's already been rescheduled once.  Thank you so much for the servant's heart of my sister who NEVER hesitates to lend a helping hand when its needed.  She even made me stinkin' cookies last night!  What a saint.

Moral of the story, Satan has filled ALL of those gaps this week and I find myself feeling completely defeated, emotionally AND physically exhausted from lack of sleep and I'm struggling to find that tiny little gap where a break of rest can fit.  Satan is so happy by this.  I wasn't going to write this blog and he ALWAYS attacks at me after I post, but I know that this tiny little gap today needed to be filled with writing this and letting the other things that need to be done, wait.  Mostly because I find peace in writing and because I'm hoping it can benefit someone else who may be feeling this same exact way right now.   Again, satan attacks when good is being done.  Do NOT let him have a foothold or everything with spiral.  I had to take a breath today and let Jesus take the wheel or satan would've just continued to run with my week.

I know this doesn't seem like "rest" but the one thing I have been doing for the past 6 months has been doing my workouts.  Its to the point that its necessary for me and my mood depends on it.  I feel it on the days it doesn't happen.  Its the one thing I choose to make a priority for ME (and try not to feel bad about it) and thankfully my family supports me completely in it.  My daughter on the way to school yesterday even said "Mommy, did you get your workout done this morning?".  Bless her little soul.  I love that she's seeing that its a good thing to be healthy.  I finally reached the goal weight that I have pushed myself so hard to achieve and it feels awesome.  24 pounds less and I can't even tell you not only how much better physically I feel, but overall mentally and the confidence in myself and knowing I am capable of achieving whatever I put my mind too is so worth it.  Find the thing that fills your soul and cup and DO IT.  Don't feel guilty one bit.  We can't pour from an empty cup.  This leads me to my last point...

NUMBER 3:  We cannot be perfect.  Since starting my weightloss journey, I've been so motivated.  Sure, in the beginning when I was working so hard and losing no weight at all, I felt pretty dang defeated.  But I kept going.  I stuck with it.  And you know what?  It finally started working.  Most definitely not overnight.  my weight came off sloooooooow, like a turtle at a marathon.  But now seeing results I just stay so motivated to see what my body is capable of.  Not to lose more weight, but to keep being healthy and toning up.

When weeks like this hit and I'm off nutritionally and there are days where a workout just can't happen because the baby won't let me put her down, or rest is more important or work overtakes--I am so brutal to myself.  I instantly think that I'm losing all of my progress by missing one day.  Listen here ya'll, you're not superwoman and life happens.  There will be days and weeks that it just doesn't all happen as planned.  The worst thing to do is to beat yourself up.  This is when I'm super thankful for my tribe of ladies in our fitness group (a group of moms lead by our coach, Holly Lewellen just being real and trying to be the best version of ourselves) to encourage me to know that its OKAY.  I have come so far and it won't be lost in just a few days.  I'm doing the best I can and I want to encourage you that YOU are doing the best YOU can.  If your family is fed, clothed and breathing--you're doing great.  Some days are not going to feel that way.  If the kids have a peanut butter sandwich for supper, I guarantee you that they are happier with this than fish and broccoli!  So let those thoughts sink in, put one foot in front of the other, PRAY to the Lord to renew your spirit and press on.  There's only one you, so just continue each day to be the best version of yourself.

Phew.  Again I feel as though that a lot of rambling, but there's my thoughts.  I hope it reached or encouraged you in some sort of way.  I appreciate you reading and please feel free to share if you feel like anyone else needs it.  I appreciate each and every one of you that are in my life!

As I sit here and sip some iced coffee at 4pm to avoid crashing and dreaming of a nap, I can't help but be so sincerely grateful for the past ten years and what God has done in my life.  I've really been reflecting a lot on how far I've come, not just professionally, but overall as a person.

You see, I'm a true introvert.  Any of you that know me dearly know this about me, but maybe if you've just known me through photos, you would never know that.  I can still remember the first time I did I photo shoot that someone was paying me for and wasn't just a friend trying to help me get started, I'd say the nerves were so high I could've peed myself.  

"What was I thinking? I'm not good enough to do this.  Nobody should be paying me for pictures.  I'll never be as good as so and so."  On and on and on went in my head.  

To say through the years I've had my ups and downs would be an understatement.  Just ask my poor husband or mother.  They've heard it all.  They've strapped themselves into my roller coaster car and rode it with me.  

I had ZERO clue what the heck I was doing.  I knew God had pushed me this way and told me to trust Him with it.  But I never thought I'd be brave enough to take the leap.

I've ALWAYS had interest in taking pictures.  My grandma used to raise dogs and I'd take the puppies out for "photo shoots" any chance I got.  Putting bows in their hair and taking their picture.  Fast forward to pre-teen and teenage years and with my cousins and close friends I loved nothing more than to have photo shoots with them.  Both being in them and taking them.  Looking back at these is so comical.  

From there, I had a dream to be on the yearbook staff.  I'd look up to those who were in it and think "they are just the coolest people ever".  Once I had the opportunity to finally apply, I just knew I wouldn't get in.  But I did, ya'll.  And it changed my perspective!

I cannot thank Stephanie Somers enough for taking me under her wing and giving me such a passion for design and shooting with a "big" camera.  We got to design each yearbook page and write.  Both of which I love to do.  We shot at events and although events/action shots weren't my thing then and still aren't to this day, it taught me so much.  Each year we had a big assignment and it was to take the big camera home for a weekend and shoot action and then print those pictures and put them together on a poster board where they would hang in the hallway.  And every year this was a struggle for me.  All I wanted to do was take portraits of people.  Not animals, not people playing sports.  Just people, capturing life and a person's beauty.  I should've known then that this would be where my passion lies.  I always pushed the envelope with this project and would still shoot people, but I would just do it while they were swinging or jumping.  These years of being in yearbook led me to being the editor my senior year.  Something again that I wasn't comfortable with.  Being a leader.  But each of these things led me to where I am now.  Mrs. Somers was such an encourager and supporter of my dreams.  Even when others would doubt my dream of becoming a professional photographer, she always knew I could.  I still give so much of the credit of my success to her.

After high school I attended MACC and met a boy.  My current job went from full-time to part-time unexpectedly.  The worrier in me started to panic some and decided maybe then was my moment to take the leap of faith and start the business.  I did my sisters maternity and newborn photos of her first born prior to September of 2008.  Along with a couple of other friends newborn photos in August.  I invested in studio equipment of which I had no idea how to run.  My theory was the closer the light to the subject the better.  HA!  In September I did my first senior.  My dad's best friends step son.  I was more nervous than ever because I knew they were paying me for it and I needed to produce something!  I look back at those and do a full on cringe still to this day.  But they loved them and they're still on their wall today!  

Photography was more than "making a buck" to me.  Sure, that part was awesome.  People paying me to make pretty things.  But I looked at all of these other photographers and my work was SO far off from theirs that I had little hope that I'd ever get to that point.  But I pressed on anyway.

I started out as I was still living at home.  My parents allowed me to take photos in their basement as a studio and then my dad converted their shed into my studio.  Those of you that had pictures done in there KNOW how tiny that was!  But I got by!  Fast forward to getting married in 2010 and our basement became the studio.  We made the most of it and it was the studio for 4 years.  Our first little girl was born in 2014 and we then realized that having people stop by the house whenever they wanted wasn't the best for our family.  I couldn't separate home life and work.  We were then on the hunt for a studio space to rent.  We called many places until we stumbled upon where I'm located now.  The perfect fit.  I have been in this location now since April of 2015!  I've tried my best to give it the look that I want my clients to see, but still working around the restraints of being a renter and not being able to change the looks of everything that I'd like to.  But I LOVE it here.  And its easy for all of my clients to find and has more square footage than our own home!  It has been such a blessing to us.

So, as you've probably read by now, I have no professional training in photography.  I was and am simply a sponge.  And to me that is the best way to learn!  I've had a couple of other photographers open enough to teach me and for that I am forever grateful.  I've watched so many youtube tutorials for editing and online videos for shooting.  It really has just been learning as I go.  I still have so much farther that I would like to go!  But after these many years I can FINALLY say my work is consistent and I'm proud of it.

I used to not know the word "no".  Never when I started did I feel like I'd even need to use it!  People want me to take their pictures--YES!  After the first few years I started to overbook myself and take every type of picture someone would ask me to.  Weddings, yes.  Seniors, yes.  You want me to photoshop out braces--sure.  I never knew the word no and I was definitely afraid to use it in fear that it may make someone unhappy with me.  People pleasers please raise yo' hand!  ME.

It has only been throughout this past year that I've realized that I am not superhuman and definitely now with two children overbooking myself is just not an option.  I want to solely focus on the types of portraits I love shooting and realize that its okay if not everyone is my client.  It's okay if someone doesn't like my style and chooses another photographer to fit the style they're looking for.  It doesn't mean they don't like ME.  And if someone asks me to do something that isn't true to my style and my work, its also okay to say no.  I'm learning to stay true to myself.

With this being said, one thing that I decided to do that I kept going back and forth on was the decision to stop doing weddings completely.  It was such a tough decision but one that was made best for our family.  Planning a year in advance or more when someone would book their wedding made it impossible to plan for having a family.  Hence, why I ended up doing a wedding when I was 9 months pregnant and having my first daughter just a few weeks later!  Plus, I realized that it just wasn't my passion.  The stress level was insane for me.  I would start worrying the entire week before the wedding arrived and the day of?  Well I would almost always wake up sick to my stomach.  My nerves were so high that I'd dream that I was going to miss a moment.  And I'd even worry up until the point that I delivered the pictures and the customer was satisfied.  I had my fair share of moments of tears from some instances I will keep to myself.  Overall it just ended up being not good for my health and once I made the decision to quit them completely it was a huge weight lifted!  Some photographers LOVE them and are so gifted in that area!  Me?  Not so much.  And that's okay!  I just knew that even if I "knew" someone getting married, saying I'd do their wedding ended up not being fair to all the others that I declined doing--so it was best that I just stopped them altogether.

It was just two years ago that I attended my first newborn workshop and it was the best thing I've ever invested in.  They are now my most favorite thing ever to photograph and I am so comfortable with them.  I know the ins and out and yes, there's still more I want to learn!  But I feel like each time I photograph one just gets even a little bit better!  There is definitely such an art to it.   

Through the years there have been so many laughs along with so many tears.  There's so much more that goes into running a business than just taking pretty pictures.  Without the help of my mom for the "business" side of photography, I'm not sure where I'd be!  So many taxes and licenses to be legal.  My husband has been the biggest support and always followed my dreams with me.  Watching the kids on weekends as I work, helping with weddings and proms and mini sessions.  We really make a great team when we're able to do it together!

Countless hours are spent away from my family shooting on evenings and weekends as well as editing for hours.  There have been many tears and times of frustration as I've dealt with some emails and messages from unhappy people taking every single word to heart and doubting my abilities.  So much praying to God to lift me back up and set me back onto the path.  My stress level from September-December of each year is so insanely high that my poor husband has to constantly talk me off of some serious ledges--lol!

But on the other hand,  so many relationships have been built from clients that I now call friends.  I truly don't go anywhere in Kirksville without knowing someone and that is such a fun little blessing to me!  Again, still truly an introverted extrovert I am.  I come alive in another way when behind the camera, which is truly the opposite of how I am in day-to-day life!

If you're reading and I've had the pleasure of documenting some special moments in your life--thank you.  Thank you for helping me get to where I am today.  Thank you for loving me and giving me the opportunity to meet you.  My greatest goal is to leave an impact for His glory through what I do.  If you've been with me for years, please know how much you mean to me.  You truly keep me going and learning and continuing to change things up.  I've watched some of your children grow up and now are becoming seniors!  I can't even believe it.

As I look back I can be nothing but proud.  I even took the leap this year and put together t-shirts and I cannot wait for so many to be wearing them around.  To me, that's 100% support behind me.  Something as simple as getting a shirt.  It is because of those supporters that I am where I am.

I'm going to post a couple of pictures from a newborn session when I first started vs. a newborn session now.

2009

2018

Sometimes I look back and cringe.  Okay, cringe A LOT!  But you guys, if we didn't start somewhere we wouldn't be stepping towards our dreams!  Just like weight loss, things don't happen overnight.  It takes time, learning, dedication, falling on our face sometimes and getting back up and going again even stronger.

This dream seemed so far out of my reach back when I was 18.  I knew where I wanted to go and I can honestly say I'm living out my dream now.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that people would "know" me in this town.  Never did I think that I would be able to create an image all my own like the photo on the bottom.

The whole point of this post really is just to reflect back and be grateful for how far I've come.  This is not by any of my own strength.  Only through God have I made it here.  I still have such big dreams for the next 10 years and I'm working towards them now!

Thank you, thank you, thank YOU to all that have been behind me throughout my journey.  I am grateful to help provide for my family through doing something that I love.  Some may still think this is a hobby but this is my living.  I never thought I'd be able to do it full time!

It may take a lot of prayer and coffee to get through each step of the day--but that's okay with me!  Here's to the next 10 years!

Photo cred:  April Lange (my sis!)
Shirt by:  Amie Shahan--Momma's got swag
It says "Editing Buddy"

Giving yourself Grace

Oh how I've wanted to write a blog post for so long now.  It's 8:30 as I'm starting this and to be quite honest I had to think....do I want to write, or would I rather sleep? Ha!  Such is life lately.  Obviously for the past 7 weeks I've chosen the sleep :)

Transitioning from one child to two has been no joke.  When everyone says going from one to two children is the hardest transition they're right.  They say its easy after two going to three or four.  I'm not going to find out.  Yes, we're done!

I feel like the past 7 weeks have been such a blur.  Trying to soak up each moment in my girls' lives while also just trying to make my goal to keep them alive by the end of each day.  So far, success!

Most of you know that I had a pretty rough ending to my pregnancy.  Being in the hospital on bed rest for a whole week before Brynlee was born, 1.5 hours away from my family and alone.  I made some pretty amazing friends with the nurses I had though, and I will never forget them!  I honestly felt miserable for the last month that I was pregnant.  That's not whining, that's just truthfully how it was.

The day Brynlee was born was an interesting one as well.  Nothing went as "planned".  We got there to check in at 5:30am that morning for our scheduled c-section and they said they didn't have us on the books.  My hormonal pregnant second personality arose very quickly and I let them know this baby was coming today!  hehe.  They got it all worked out and got me prepped.  I will say the things I was so scared of weren't near as scary as I thought them to be.  The c-section itself was odd though.  Not feeling what was going on as your guts were being pulled out on the other side of the curtain and all you can see is the anesthesiologist standing above you the whole time.  Justin was by my side for literally 2 minutes if that.  They flashed me a look at Brynlee and off she went and Justin went too.  I was told I'd get skin to skin time once her cord was cut, etc.  I knew after a few minutes things just weren't right.  They told me she was okay but she was having trouble breathing and they were getting the NICU supervisor.  Once I was all sewn back together the nurse came over and explained what they were going to have to do with Brynlee.  She was going to be in the NICU.  They didn't know how long.  Only that since she was early and a c-section baby, her lungs just weren't quite cleared out enough.  They brought her over to me and the poor thing had oxygen in her nose.  She was beautiful though, and my first thought was that I was surprised she looked nothing like Quinn.  And she had HAIR!  I got a reward for 9 months of sleeping sitting straight up every night!  And off went my new baby that I hadn't even gotten to hold yet along with my husband.  I was wheeled into recovery alone and very emotional about everything that had just happened.  Luckily, my sister was in the waiting room.  My saving grace--that girl was like my solid rock through everything that day and the weeks before!  She let me cry and calmed me down.  I am typing up the rest of the birth story as I get time, but thankfully our sweet girl was out of the NICU within 24 hours!

Fast forward to recovering from a surgery, not being allowed to drive or lift.  Justin had a few days home with me (in between having another hospital stay in Columbia a day after we got home because of Brynlee's jaundice and bilirubin levels) and mainly took care of Quinn.  We didn't get any days to stay at home and not leave.  We were at the hospital each day it seemed to get Brynlee's bilirubin levels checked or head manipulated.  Not even one day back home Justin had to return to his second job which is pre-loading each morning for UPS from 5-9am.  I was thrown back into life real quickly having to now care for not one, but two little people!  I had to get a little creative there the first couple of weeks figuring out to get my oldest to the sitter when I wasn't supposed to drive yet, but thankfully a few of those days a couple of family members helped me out with it!  Then the third week I was doing it since I was off of the pain meds at that point.  I will not lie.  The first three weeks were rough.  I was super sore and emotional.  But then from there things started to get a lot better!  I even feel like recovery this time was a little easier than the first time with my natural delivery.

Not only had I puffed up like a blowfish during the end of this pregnancy, the day of the c-section they added an extra 20 lbs of fluid to me from pushing them through my IV.  Over the course of the next few days, I could no longer bend my toes at all from them being that swollen.  I wondered if I'd ever get my feet back, but I'm happy to report that I did! :)

Being a mom of two has not been easy.  You don't get breaks.  You don't get to sleep in or take extra naps if you have your older one at home.  Quinn is over the moon about her baby sister and it is heart melting--until she smothers her a little too much--ha!  But I'd say Quinn is having the hardest time adjusting.  A new little personality has formed in her because she has to work a little harder for the attention that she was freely given before.  Justin and I will both admit that's been hard and we've considered putting her up for sale a couple of times.  (I hope you all know that I'm truly kidding and have to laugh along the way with all of this).  The days home with both of them have been hard for me because I'm trying to find the balance of getting Brynlee on a schedule along with still spending quality time with Quinn.  I've gotten out a few times with them both and its been good.  It's only been to the park or to visit family but that's about as adventurous as I've gotten so far.

I've struggled a lot earlier this time with postpartum anxiety and depression.  Being real here, I know a lot of people are ashamed of that and nobody talks about it.  A few times it got pretty bad.  I will say though that sleep deprivation makes both of these worse, especially the anxiety.  I've been working through it with my doctor.  Although I don't feel comfortable taking medication for it while breastfeeding (I'm not willing to give that up this time because its actually going so well and I'm loving it!), I've decided to try a few things myself to see if I can help it naturally.  A couple of weeks ago I started eating completely healthy as well as adding in exercise since I'm allowed to now.  I'm happy to tell you that its been working for me!  I've been a much happier person and mom to my kids.  It's the little things like filling your cup so you can fill others that helps so much.  There was an evening earlier this week that I was struggling pretty hard.  I asked Justin as he was giving Quinn a bath and Brynlee was in bed if it'd be okay if I stepped out and went for a walk.  He knew I needed it and encouraged it.  The weather was gorgeous and so was the sunset.  I tried loading a sermon but my reception (good ole Greentop) was awful and it wouldn't load.  Then even pandora wouldn't play.  I took it as a sign from God that He just wanted me to talk to Him.  I had a free moment of silence.  So I laid it all out there and on the way home pandora started working and I listened to worship music.  After my 20 minutes I returned home to a hug and a "I missed you so much mommy!" from Quinn and came back a much happier human.  I encourage you to always try and give yourself even a few minutes if you can.  It does make a difference.  I'm thankful for a husband who knows when I need it, too.

Onward to my biggest struggle since having Brynlee since we're being honest here and all.  After I had Brynlee and got a chance at a mirror I was disgusted.  I had discovered huge red stretch marks that had been hiding where I couldn't see them under my belly.  It's amazing how Satan can find you at your weakest point and make you feel worthless.  Along with that, at my doctor visit followup I looked at the scale for the very first time in two years and wanted to cry.  YES I've just had a baby.  But you have no idea how hard I am on myself.  I let that number define me which is exactly why I haven't looked in two years.  Top that off with me ordering a swimsuit online and it coming in this week....trying it on and NO, just no.  Don't do that to yourself 7 weeks postpartum.  LOL!

I'm part of a breastfeeding group on FB that lets us ask questions if we have any.  It's great, but then I see all these posts about these other moms who were back to postpartum weight within two weeks PLUS like ten pounds below just because they're breastfeeding.  I'm breastfeeding too, why won't my body do that?  Why do I always have to work five times as hard to lose weight?  I've still got 20 lbs to go and its not budging worth anything and they're already in their skinny jeans.

You see?  Why does that number define me?  Does it mean I'm any different of a person if I'm 20 lbs more than before?  It has housed TWO (three, if you count the one we lost) beautiful babies that were given LIFE.  Sure, I know I'll get where I want to be just because I want to be healthy and feel better.  It's going to be a lot slower process than others just because that's the way my body works.  But I'll get there.  I'm truly grateful for being allowed to carry these babies.  A lot of people aren't as fortunate to get that chance.

My point with all of that is that a number can't define us.  Its just a stupid number.  I am giving myself grace--its only been 7 weeks!  My kids don't care about those extra 20 pounds.  All they care about is if I'm a happy mommy.  And when I'm a happy mommy I can soak in all of those moments with them.  Quinn tells me every day that I'm "bootyfull" and that's all that matters to me.  I'm not going to continue to allow myself the pity party because my girls are watching me.  In fact, there was a time a couple of weeks ago that Quinn and I had some smoothies for a snack.  She said "mommy, let's take a picture with our smoothies!"  I literally almost said, no Quinn, mommy looks gross, but I stopped myself and soaked up that moment and took the picture!  And I'm glad I did.  I need to remember that its okay to be in pictures even if my face is still puffy and its not the definition of "perfection".  Its memories and I'm sure going to want those later!  It's easy to compare ourselves to other moms, but we have to stop doing that!  Our kids just want US!

Again, I'm working really hard at getting back to a healthy me, and I'm enjoying it and feeling so much better.  That's important.  But just because I have an extra roll and stretch mark doesn't mean I'm not worth anything.  If this is you too, give yourself some grace.  You're amazing, don't forget that!

The past 7 weeks have been life changing.  It's been hard and its been challenging.  But its been SO worth it.  Our family is complete and I thank God every day for these precious beautiful gifts that I've been given.  Yes, there's been struggles.  Lots of times of being sleep deprived (but that's getting a little better thankfully!) and LOTS of coffee. But Brynlee brings so much joy to our family and is the perfect fit into our family.  She's such a good baby and usually pretty chill.  All unless she's hungry (like momma!) or in her carseat and its not moving.  She's not afraid to let you know!

Thanks for reading and remember not to be hard on yourself.  Give yourself grace.  Be in the pictures.  Soak up the memories and fill your cup when it needs filled.  Please enjoy some pictures of just "life" below.

For mother's day I asked if Justin would take some pictures of me with my babies!

Mother's Day!

This is one of those pictures Justin took and I went "ew".  But ya know what, this is life lately and I'm out enjoying an evening with my family!  The first night we all went to the park and had a picnic!

Baby wearing is a life saver when you're a mom of two!

Our followup appointment with the Dr. that delivered Brynlee AND Quinn!

Painting a picture for daddy for his birthday

The woman that constantly encourages me through motherhood and life and drove all the way here just to let me have my first kid free escape!

Mom holding Brynlee after recovery from back surgery

the smoothie picture I was talking about!

Making daddy's birthday pie!  Good thing I screwed up the first crust batch.  It kept Quinn busy for quite awhile making her own "pie"!

One of our morning walks after dropped off sister at the sitter

No sense of personal space, lol!  But that smile says it all! This is how all of our mornings start!

Last Friday, my first day back to a full day of pictures with tiny toes clients!

Miss Lacey kept Brynlee while I worked last Friday!

Quinn is still talking about our makeovers!