I had a thought just now, and I thought I should write it out in hopes that maybe someone else would want to hear it.  Whether I share it today is yet to be decided, but still I feel like God gave me this on my heart to share.

A lot of emotions have come forth after posting my video last week about my past.  I pretty much felt naked on a stage where everything was stripped off of me and everyone could finally see the "real me", or "know".  I thought I should also elaborate just so nobody makes assumptions--this was NOT a family member.  I'm not going to share a name, and I'm not going to give out all the details of this or that--I'm not ready, and that is personal so I likely never will be ready.  But today is this person's birthday and for some reason this date is engraved in my head.  Que the flashbacks of things I'd rather forget.  Anyway....not what I got on here to say, however, is does preface kind of where this comes from.

I chose to put my phone on silent and leave it upstairs today.  Stay off of social media and not have it there to numb me to everything going on around me.  You see, I've found that I don't love being alone with my thoughts and that's why I use it so much.  It keeps me busy where I don't have to really think deeply.  I also am not connected to anyone physically (besides my family, obviously) and during this quaratine, its been really helpful for that and encouraging others, etc.  Social media has been good.  Until I get into my own head and question literally every word I put out there.  Whether or not it is helping someone else or people just think I'm a complete idiot.  Some days I'm completely on fire and confident in every word I say and owning my true self.  And other times, the doubt creeps in and then I let it and it ends up becoming a few day cycle of me going "dark".  My people know this about it.  It is not a lovely thing.

I chose to eat my lunch out on my deck and get vitamin D just now.  I had a sandwich and an apple.  I got to the apple and noticed it had a ding on it.  Since it was just me and my thoughts (something I feel like I haven't had in about 8 weeks) I got to really thinking about this apple.  I ate around the spot and of course being a honeycrisp--its just so juicy and sweet.  I got to thinking.....how many times have I passed up or thrown away an apple because of a bruise.  Or just left it there as the bruise then infected the entire apple leaving nothing good of it to eat at that point.

So then I get to thinking of myself.  You see, I've had this bruise for years.  Some people knew, most didin't.  But to me it was like walking around with a billboard and everyone knew.  I suffer from anxiety and depression, as does so much of America.  I have to say that likely a lot of it started with this experience in my childhood.  I've always had these doubts about myself (right...pretty much everyone that knows me?) but I've also had some beautiful and encouraging words to share with others.

So this bruise.  What do you do when you have a bruised apple?  I got to thinking of my grandma.  Whether it was an apple or a tomato, she'd cut that bruise right out and use every good part of that apple that she could.  Nothing was ever wasted! 

Me, on the other hand.  I'd usually just let it sit on the counter until its then too rotten to amount to anything.

I'll say I've had a lot of "grandmas" in my life and also a lot of "myself".  I've had people pass me by because I'm too complicated once they get to know me, or too much work to get around the bruise to see all of the beautiful, sweet and very usable parts still left of me. 

And then I've had some grandmas.  Oh....those grandmas.  They're few and far between but MAN.  Let me tell you, they are the best.  They've sat down and proved to me over and over and OVER again that the bruise doesn't define me.  It is part of me, and its part of my story, but inside and digging deeper is so worth it to be a part of my life.  They'll constantly try to help cut out that bruise so that even I can see it.  And sometimes that hurts! 

And then of course the Lord.  That bruise is there...and it likely will be for my entire life here on earth.  God washes away the sin, and embraces us with open arms.  Encouraging each of us to share our stories with the bruises we have--no matter how hard that might be.  We won't be perfect here on earth.  But we will be when we're in our eternal home.  We can embrace the bruise and work to dig deeper and find the sweet spots, or we can leave it there untouched and consuming our lives and letting it rot out the rest of the sweet parts.  Because I promise you, leaving it untouched, it will consume more parts of us than we realize. 

Make sure you have your "grandmas".  Those people that will love you no matter what.  And try your best to be a grandma as well.  Because we all need more of those.

If you have a bruise, you're not broken.  It doesn't make you disposable.  Because I promise you there's no perfect apple.  Even if it looks perfect from the outside, its like tart or sour in the inside.

Don't just show the beautiful sides...show the bruises too.   

There's my thoughts about apples today.  Enjoy.

As I sit down to write, for the first time during quarentine I wonder why this is my first time making the time to do so.  Blogging used to be such an escape for me.  I mean come on, I know the reason why I haven't made time.  I've already been interrupted 3 times within these first two sentences I've typed out.  I know I'm not the only one--ha!  I make them both nap, and usually if we can survive the mornings and make it to nap time, we all get a little refreshed and can spend the afternoon outside until dad gets off of work.  Surviving, that's what we've been doing.

This entire thing has been a roller coaster of emotions.  One I most certainly did not get on willingly.  I hate roller coasters....and I don't feel like the attendant checked to make sure I was securely fastened.  Do you feel like that too?  Or is it just me...?

When this all started I will admit, I was naive.  I thought it would last two weeks at most.  I can handle that, I thought to myself.  God's providing a much needed break and refresher from work.  One I don't have to feel guilty about because I'm literally FORCED to close, not a personal choice that people can question or make me feel guilty about.

So, once I realized this is not just a short thing, of course here comes all the worries.  Obviously I'm a small, self-employed business owner who can't get paid unless they work.  There's programs out there to help us that I've heard nothing from.  And I know that I'm not the only one in this boat.  But God has never failed me and won't start now.  It's just so hard sometimes to put those worries at bay.

The main things I'm rejoicing in work wise right now is for one-it was just one month previously that I moved out of my old studio with rent and utilities and into my newly built studio where I no longer have the rental expense!  That is amazing timing and such a blessing.

And He has still been providing in the most unique ways!  Just this week I got an unexpected check in the mail from a friend, requesting to buy a gift certificate for a future session.  It was a substantial amount.  I could've cried!  AND, I had about 10 open galleries before closing, and most all have ordered, and ordered substantial amounts.  Keeping me busy and making income thus far.  I am so grateful!

Then there's the stay-at-home mom role AND homeschooling.  Two things I swore my entire life that weren't for me.  I have such respect for those who do it on a regular basis.  Ya'll are saints and I've always thought that.  I know these aren't normal times for you being stay-at-home parents, but this proves that you all have amazing patience and strength.

The homeschooling on top of it....wow.  A whole new world right there.  I have a strong-willed child if some of you haven't noticed.  I'm also a strong-willed parent--LOL.  So....to say we butt heads is an understatement.  She learns best in a classroom setting with others and through love and affection from a loving teacher.  Which she had at school.  Thank GOODNESS she does zoom meetings every Tuesday and Thursday.  She is a gift from the Lord.  All of you teachers are.

So where am I at right now.  Currently a depressed, depleted of all energy, grouchier than ever mother and wife, tired of literally EVERYTHING, who just wants to shut it all off and hide under the covers until its all over.  And every night when my head actually does hit the pillow, the mom guilt all comes flooding in.

I'm wrestling with myself a lot.  I just told a friend yesterday that I don't just want to "survive".  I don't want to have gone through all of this and had all of this time with my kids and wasted it.  I know I'm being harder on myself than I need to be.  But I have no doubt in my mind that God is showing each of us something through this and many of us are missing it--myself included.  So what is He trying to show you?  And have you stopped to listen?  Or are you listening more to the enemy's lies telling you you're a bad mom that could do better? You're gaining too much weight during quarentine?  You're not putting forth your best effort with work because there's so much else you're trying to juggle?

One thing I've found that makes me feel better is literally reaching out to other people.  I'd like to be even better about it.  But if you can make someone else smile during this...why the heck not??  Do you know someone that is all alone?  Drop something at their porch.  Send a note.  Call them...text them.  For the LOVE it takes five seconds!

I'm noticing people pull AWAY more than pulling closer during this.  And if you're investing that time solely into your families--that's wonderful.  We all should be doing that.  Some of us are surviving just fine with this quarentine.  Myself personally, I do NOT want to go back to the schedule that leaves me feeling so depleted.  The one where there's obligations every night and never time together.  I am just fine having no social obligations whatsoever.  What I myself personally am struggling with most is not having a silent moment break.  My kids are young and they need me constantly.  I also have one that follows me like a shadow and seriously....they ALWAYS know when you're in the bathroom OR having a phone/video conversation.  You feel me?  But we're all having struggles in different ways, those are just my own.

My friendships mean so much to me.  I've kept in very close touch with my "circle".  My "tribe" if you wish.  And I've tried my hardest to reach out on my Instragram, sharing the good, bad and ugly.  And I've connected with so many people through that.  Social media can be such a distraction, but also such a tool when used that way.  To connect.

So are you connecting?  Not only just with people...but are you connecting with the Lord, when you're tired and weary, is He the one you're running to to fill your cup?  I'll admit I'm not.  It takes friends pointing me that direction.

There's so many ways right now we can be spreading light and it doesn't even take much effort.  I know this is the type 6 in me.  I know I am always sharing my struggles, and that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine.  Find your strengths and let God use them.  Its a great time to be finding out what those are and how you can be used.

Yesterday I was feeling LOW.  But I chose to get up and watch the sunrise and have quiet time.  And I begrudgingly read out of Philippians.  And then read the devotional with it in my First 5 app.  And when I wanted to turn off all social media and stop everything I'd been doing thus far, something stuck out to me.  Basically, if God has you here still, you have a message to be heard.  So I shared my struggles on that platform yesterday.  The just woke up look, eye bags and all.  I shared my struggles and my heart.  And you know how many people reached out and how many related?  There's people out there that NEED to hear your message.  I promise.

This feels like a lot of hodge podge I slapped together.  Maybe someone needs to hear it, I'm not sure, but I know my heart needed to write.  And I want each of you to know you're not alone.

I personally cannot wait for my one-on-one coffee and lunch dates with my friends.  My quiet editing days at the office, date nights with my husband, and road trips to see my friends.  But in the meantime, I'm going to try my hardest to "be still".  Even if I don't get a single thing done in a day, realizing that its okay to sit and embrace the moment not getting anything productive done.  Because I'm being productive by being present and not giving up.

The world needs YOU.  I love you, friends.  Don't lose the faith.

Read that shirt ;)