Hey everyone!  So I haven't written in, well, forever.  I've really wanted to, but today I feel as though I need to.  I just stopped what I was doing (editing Quinn's photos and a couple sessions from yesterday) and decided to just needed to write it out.

First off, can I just tell you what a blessing my sweet little daughter is?  She's sitting in her bouncy seat as I type and is just the best little baby.  She allows me to get done what I need done while staying home with her and not having to send her to daycare every day.  For that, I am thankful that I can still do my job fully AND be a mommy fully all at once.  She's just kicking her feet and looking around.  She is such a happy girl and fills my days with such sunshine and joy, which I need, especially today!  Honestly, this week has been a not-so-good one thus far so today I took complete advantage of sneaking in a cuddly nap with my girl and I do not regret it one bit.  These moments will be gone all too soon.  These past 3 months have FLOWN by.  I cherish all of the new little things that she does and look forward to the new things she will be soon doing, but I also wonder where my tiny little 6 lb., 15 oz., baby went??  She will be 3 months tomorrow.  Insane.  She smiles constantly and talks now, it's so adorable!  I will share some 3 month photos at the end of this post.  Here's some random pictures from lately...

So, Quinn may or may not be a distraction in church ;)

This is the pouty face we get.  Seriously?!  Yeah, and she had just thrown up on her shirt ;)

My little working buddy :)

She's intrigued by tv now!  Uh oh.

Snuggles before nap today!  No, I don't wear make-up often ;)  Don't judge!

I guess this week has just been filled with stress and worry.  My job mostly.  Last Friday was the first time I had to leave Quinn for the entire day.  Now, I am SO blessed to have a mother-in-law and sister that are willing to take her for 2 days a week so I can actually fill those days with sessions and get a lot of work done.  I know she's 100% being cared for by family and those who love her.  I did shed a few tears as she smiled real big at me before daddy took her to grandma's house for the day last Friday, and this Tuesday, taking her to my sister's wasn't much easier, but I know it will get a little easier with time and those who have to do it EVERY day, that's rough! :(  However, that being said also, I have two specific days a week only now that my sister and mother-in-law can watch her.  My sister on Tuesdays, Becky on Fridays.  Those are the days they have available and off to do so.  So when the weather doesn't cooperate, my schedule is packed to the max on those two days for an entire month or more, everyone and their dog wants the "color" right now and it RAINS, what the heck am I supposed to do for rescheduling?  As much as I despise my husband's ridiculous, crazy work schedule, he does have some days where he doesn't go in until noon and I can do morning sessions on off days if I need to.  That's what happened this Tuesday....well, planned to use his schedule anyway, but that didn't go as planned.

I want you to know that I had a big rant typed out here, and I'm glad I got it off my chest, but I think for the purposes of this being public and some people may not know where I'm coming from with it, it was best to leave it off.  I feel better though :)  A little, until it happens again tomorrow all over again...ha!

So, with that being said, worry and stress.  Another thing we've kind of kept to ourselves and that has been worrying us both is something I don't like to discuss, BUT, I've realized we need prayer for it.  So, be our prayer warrior with us?  About a month and a half ago, I noticed a bump on top of Quinn's head.  We had been to a place with quite a few bugs just a few days before so I just assumed it was a bug bite.  However, it wasn't going away and to me, was becoming more prominent.  We asked the doctor at her 2 month appointment, but he said he wasn't concerned, and just to keep an eye on it.  But it kept bothering me.  We went to a pediatrician and that doctor told us we should go to Columbia to a pediatric dermatologist.  Said it could be one of a few things.  Just a fluid filled pocket that will go away on its own with time, a cyst that wouldn't grow and wouldn't have to be removed, OR, which the one I keep thinking it is, is a cyst that would continue to grow and she'd have to have surgery to take off.  Okay, if you are a mom you can imagine how freaked out I am knowing that my 3 month old daughter might have to have surgery already on her HEAD.  We couldn't get into the specialist right away, so we've been waiting about a month to get in.  The appointment is set for next Thursday.  Please be in prayer and pray we can get some answers.  A lot of you may not know about it unless you've seen her without a bow on her head.  Which I don't do, so people won't ask about the bump.  So pretty much just family is aware.  Even in the pictures I post I make sure it's not real visible.  Let me tell you....I already feel like a bad mom (I know I have no control) but I don't like it when people ask about it.  I'm VERY sensitive to it.  And I don't find it funny with remarks like "What did you do, drop her on her head?"  (Yes, that's been said.)  So, I'm one very worried momma over this and I (we) would just appreciate the prayer for some answers.  I cried when she got her 2 month shots, I can't even imagine what I'll be like if she has to have surgery.

As I was rocking Quinn tonight (yes, there was a break in this blog post, I had to get little one ready for bed and put in bed :) I was just thinking about how my love for her is such an indescribable feeling.  Then I got to thinking about how God had ONE son.  And He sacrificed him for our sins to save us.  Can you imagine?  Giving up your precious little one?  Watching them go through that pain?  All for us?  It just baffles me and makes me see it in a whole different light now since I have Quinn.

On this topic, we've been going through a great series in our bible study group this year.  It's called "AHA" by Kyle Idleman.  The one thing that stuck out to me last week is when he mentioned the scenario of going into a dark hotel room with a black light.  It reveals all of the stains.  It makes us uncomfortable to see.  But somehow when the lights are turned back on, the stains are not visible.  However, they are still there.  We all have stains.  But are we just covering them up and trying not to think about them?  Or are we trying to get rid of them?  You can act like everything is okay, but until you ask God to help you get rid of the stain you're holding onto (that maybe nobody else can see), it will still be there and you know it.  Just something that really stuck with me.  We need to turn everything over to God.  Everything you're struggling with.  Right now, besides the stress and worry, I've been struggling with forgiveness.  Forgiveness from something that happened YEARS ago that I never got to have closure with, and also forgiveness of something that has happened just a few months ago.  Even if these people are not in my life and choose not to be, I need to stop being bitter, stop letting them hold me back and forgive them and MOVE ON.  Just tough.  And that stain will be there until I choose to let God have it and take it away.  But it's not a stain everyone can see....

Another update in my life is that I've been working really hard to get my body back in shape after Quinn.  Body after baby is HARD!  Okay, completely jealously with those that go in, have their babies and come out wearing the jeans before they had their baby.  What??  How's that even possible.  Well, I did the 21 day fix program and lost almost 7 pounds in those 3 weeks.  Now I've kicked it up to doing insanity.  Now although I wish I was losing POUNDS a lot faster than I am, I have lost a lot of inches. Almost 3 inches around my waist in those 3 weeks.  It's going to take a lot of time, and it's a lot harder now to find the time with a baby and working, but I'm doing it.  Every day.  And I feel a lot better.  I've been a little discouraged from time to time, but everyone has their days.  I've done great on my eating and haven't had fast food for over a month now.  I can tell you I don't miss it--yuck!  I'm glad I have a little encouragement from my hubby, and a few family members and that keeps me going and staying on track!  It will be worth it in the end.  Tomorrow will be day 3 of Insanity and it is INSANE!  I have no doubt I can make it through though--have to keep that mindset!

So, question.  I know deep down I will hate it, but I have been dreaming of this cute, short little mommy cut.  I just don't know if I can pull it off.  And I have had long hair for a LONG time and it's like my security.  And easy to throw up in a messy bun--which I do almost every day!  What are your thoughts?  Here's me with short hair.  The last time I cut it 4 years ago....

On a random note, we finally shaved Max.  He sheds HORRIBLY and it was to the point that now that we have a baby he was going to get shaved, or we were going to say good-bye to him--which we didn't want to do since he's part of our family!  We were going to do this RIGHT before I had Quinn, but I was such an emotional wreck and thought he was going to look so weird and bald that I almost had a panic attack so we didn't do it.  But, he doesn't look weird AND he hardly sheds anymore--woo hoo! :)

He's thrilled to have a picture!

I saw that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  A few people close to my heart for sure I know have went through this.  Actually, I know more than I can count on one hand just that are close and dear to me.  It breaks my heart and makes me even more grateful for the blessing I was given.  I am praying for those of you that have lost!  I cannot even imagine the pain..


Well, as promised, here's a few pictures (never before seen! ;)  of Quinn from her 3 month photo shoot. Can I just say...HOW did we get a daughter with blue eyes (when her daddy's are BROWN), light hair, dimples (mommy has one)....?  But, as mom says...God has a sense of humor!  She said that the whole time we were positive we were having a boy.  He had other plans :)

She did NOT want to be a lamb lol!  

Oh, she changed her mind :)

Thanks for reading, friends :)  In the morning I will have a big three month old!  *tear*

Sweet dreams!

Hello friends :)

Well, I thought it was time for an update.  I DID write a blog post just a couple of weeks ago about my entire hospital and delivery experience, but I chose to just print that out and put in the baby book, rather than make all of those details public.  I wanted to be sure to remember everything though!  So, since I've last written, my beautiful little baby girl has arrived in the world!  She'll be one month old already on Saturday, and that just about puts me to tears.  Pregnancy flew by for me, but her growing up has flown by even faster.  Some people may want the first part to fly by because it's exhausting.  It is, yes, but I'm soaking up every day because it's just going way too fast for me.  Maybe it's because she's just an amazing baby and I'm spoiled by her, but those little snuggles will be gone all too soon!

During the entire pregnancy, I honestly wondered what I'd feel like when my baby actually got here.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't know enough information.  I was going to fail.  What if it was too much for me and I couldn't do it?  I can't even tell you the feelings I felt instantly when I first held her.  It was a love I never knew.  She was ours, and my life forever changed for the better.  I still didn't know what I was doing, but I have to say, motherly instincts did kick in and it came pretty naturally.  She has been an amazing eater (yes, breastfeeding) since the moment she came out and even still.  Even takes a pumped bottle now for when we need to be somewhere that doesn't allow me to easily feed, plus, training for when I go back to work.  She's just an amazing, precious gift from God.

We are working on establishing a good routine this week.  The first few weeks were a blur of really just getting to know each other, etc.  She eats every 3 hours (no, I'm not a demand feeder, this is just how I choose to parent.  To each their own of course!  Whatever works is what you should do and roll with).  We stick pretty close to this schedule of course with some flexibility.  We go by a lot of the principles from the BabyWise book.  Baby goes with YOUR schedule, not you with hers.  The book has some great points and advice.  So, this week so far with getting a good routine has been going great.  We are up for the day around 8, she eats, stays awake usually in her bouncer in some sunlight from the window looking at some toys, and then she goes down for a morning nap at 10ish.  She wakes for the next feeding and is awake for quite awhile again and then goes for an afternoon nap around 2-3.  Again, wakes for the next feeding and is awake for awhile, and then we throw in the bedtime routine (bath, book, snuggles, bed).  THIS is the part we've been struggling with.  I've been trying to put her down by 8:30 to start getting a bedtime set.  Well, she pretty much screams bloody murder.  We let her cry for awhile (it kills us inside to listen to) but they say they're supposed to learn to put themselves to sleep so they don't depend on you.  Well, the past two nights (the only nights we've tried this) we end up getting her up and she falls asleep in my arms just fine.  Not soundly, I'd say this is her "fussy time" because she holds onto the pacifier for dear life and if she loses it she's not happy.  But when I feed her for the last time before we head to bed, I put her down and she sleeps for 4 hours before she wakes up to eat again.  No fussing, no crying, just sleeps.  The same when I get her around 5am and 8am.  So, I'm wondering if I'm just pushing this early bedtime too soon.  I think we'll try to change it up a little and if she's not ready to do the early time yet, that's okay.  As long as she goes down when we are ready for bed I feel like I'm doing something right!  Still a major learning process :)

God and I have been talking tons during this motherhood process.  I always pray and ask for guidance since I don't know what I'm doing.  I want to raise her right in God's eyes!

On another note, I dressed Quinn this morning and a onesie she wore just last week (newborn size) is too small today! Oh my goodness she's growing so much.  Don't get me wrong, it's so fun watching her change, but it's seriously going so fast.  I can't keep up!  My days go three times as fast as they did when it was just me at home.  I don't want to miss a moment!

Now onto something I've been struggling with.  Actually, a few things.  Those of you that have had children know that after having babies, our emotions after having them are crazy screwed up just trying to get back in line!  The first few days and weeks are painful just trying to recover.  You basically just try to survive taking care of yourself and your baby.  Let alone you've got these emotions that make you cry for no reason and this body that is just nothing close to the same as it was.  Still looks like you're pregnant, just lost a few months of it ;)  Then you get really excited because you lose more weight every day and you're thinking "man this is going to come off fast and I'll be skinny again!"  I lost 25 pounds within the first week.  Well, that was definitely the fluid from my high blood pressure issues.  The scale hasn't budged since then and I've still got 15 pounds to lose, stretch marks, acne like a 13 year old teen, and a very flabby tummy.  I would do everything a thousand times over again to get Quinn, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to look at myself.  I just try to focus on her and avoid mirrors.  I still have 2 weeks before my 6 week appointment for me to be released to work out, and then it will be finding the time to juggle it all.  Right now taking care of the baby and the house are all I have to worry about (and still working a little, even though I'm off), but soon it will be taking care of the baby (who will start to sleep less), the house, work, and working out.  It will all come together and I'll take one day at a time, it's just hard to look at that big picture right now.

Onto the next thing I've been struggling with.  This is something I've just been trying to give over to God because He's ALWAYS taken care of me and provided when I worry about this issue.  So, I've taken a maternity leave.  I started the second week of July and am extending it until the end of September/beginning of October.  It was necessary that I take off in July when I did because I got put on bed rest and then had her on July 16th.  I literally worked as long as I could!  I already have a waiting list full for October when I return *hopefully* guaranteeing work when I return.  But, here's my worries and doubts.  1.  no income on my end for these months.  Yes, we're going to make it and yes we're more than fine.  I just hate not feeling like I'm helping financially.  I still have business expenses to pay out (joys of being self-employed) with income not coming in.  Which leads me to my second worry.  Although I have a full waiting list for October, I'm constantly seeing people that I've done photos for in the past go to someone new.  So I'm worried that in the time of me being off, these people that have wanted to be on my list are going to change their mind or just get impatient and go elsewhere.  People are entitled to go to whoever they want.  Each photographer out there has different styles and offers different things (cds) and people want to try new things.  Fully understand.  I just always wonder if I've done something wrong on my end.  My main goal always is to do everything possible to please my customers.  Treat them more like friends than clients.  So I just worry when I see this happen so much what it is that I've done wrong.  And then I feel bad for taking a maternity leave when people needed pictures July-September.  But, I need this time.  It is such a precious time of getting to know my new baby and getting established.  I won't get this time back with my baby.  I, in no way can feel badly for taking off deserved time.  Just struggling with feeling good enough as a photographer and worrying about going back and if there will be enough.  Again, God has always abundantly provided for me and I have had more than I can do when it comes to work, so I don't know why I'm worrying, but I am.  I just want to be transparent with my worries so that if you think to pray for me, I would truly appreciate it.  Nobody should feel ashamed for the things they are worried about and asking for prayer/help with them.  I can tell you though, that worry and doubt are evil things that totally rob joy!

On the topic kinda of worry and doubt, the whole Robin Williams thing makes me think a lot this week.  I hope it really opens people's eyes up to how real depression is.  It runs in my family and as someone who has personally been there, it is not an easy thing.  Although I do not believe in suicide at all being the answer, ever, depression is real and easy to cover up in public.  It's often the ones that joke and act happy in public all of the time that are the most depressed.  Again, if you are struggling with it, don't hesitate to ask for help or feel ashamed for dealing with it.  You are not "broken", the ones that do not struggle with it most often just don't understand and look at you like "why can't you just be happy?"

Lastly, I want to thank everyone so much for everything during this new transition in our lives.  So many people from our church, and family/friends have provided meals and that has helped more than you know.  So many people have come to visit our little Quinn and we fully know who our friends are even with those that can't make it to see her right away, just checking on us/her, calling, texting, sending cards, etc., it just means the world to us and will never be forgotten.  Having a baby completely changed our lives--for the better!  But having our true friends and family by our side has helped us through!

Becoming a mommy is the best thing ever.  Not only that, but Justin and I being parents together has been amazing.  It's brought us closer.  I can't even express how amazing of a daddy Justin is.  He loves his little girl to pieces and helps me with her SO much!  He doesn't even hesitate, he loves doing it.  My love for him has grown even more with watching him with Quinn!

Now, a few pictures for your entertainment....

My best friend, Ashley (who just moved back!) happened to be in Columbia when I was in the hospital for monitoring the week before I had Quinn!

Living room turned to studio for Quinn's newborn pictures :)

thumb sucker!

I was so excited when Quinn got her first piece of mail

Daddy feeding Quinn for the first time with our first (well, first FULL) pumped bottle!

This past Sunday, my girl and me before church!  And my creep of a dog!

Me at 2 months :)  Hoping to get Quinn in this dress for a picture at 2 months...ha!

Miss Hayden and Quinn :)

I was heading to bed again in the middle of the night after feeding Quinn and this is how I found the dog...

My beautiful 4 week old!

We all got our hair done on Saturday.  Let's see if my sister actually reads my blog this time and kills me for this picture :)

Snuck a picture of grandma and Quinn when she came to hang out with us and help :)

New hair from the amazing Paula!  This was the next day after my attempt at curling it.  Not near as good as her's, but that's why she's the pro!

My mother's ring that the hubby gave me in the hospital.  Infinity, plus my birthstone and Quinn's.

Hey Everyone!  I totally haven't been diligent to keep up with this lately....I'm sorry!  Things have been crazy of course.  Trying to keep up with work and editing and also trying to launch a new website and getting things transferred has been stressful!  I have great intentions of sitting down to write and then something comes up.  That's how life rolls though!  I have a lot I want to write about and I'm hoping I can get it written out in a timely manner so I can get my cleaning done, my short Sunday nap and everything else before Justin gets off and we run back to town to grab a few groceries for the week--yay!

Well, I'm on week 32 can you believe it!  32.5 now actually.  In just 7.5 more weeks (give or take, early or late) I will be holding OUR little girl.  I still cannot even wrap my head around what that's going to be like.  Some days I am so stinkin' excited for all of the new changes and being able to hold her and look at her and see Justin with her, and then I think, woah, life will seriously never be the same either, am I ready for this?  Well, ready or not, here she comes!  No looking back now that's for sure.  And I wouldn't want to!  It's just so many emotions and changes.  Any of you that have kids know exactly what I mean.  I just hope I can catch on and be a good mommy--I think that's what I worry about the most.  And with that too, I hope that I can still be a great wife and Justin and I can still date and have an awesome marriage like I am so blessed with now.  I love that man, and I love my quality time with him!  Being a family of 3 will be so much fun.  I can't wait to do things together.

So with all of the emotions, we know that pregnancy changes our bodies.  I am been SO fortunate this ENTIRE pregnancy.  I never got sick (only a little nauseous in the very beginning and only in the mornings), and have been able to keep up with life pretty much at the same pace as before.  I had a few bouts of severe back pain that only happened a couple of times (now I have regular back treatments to keep this in check) and I've still had incredible sleep at night! (Which I've heard some women start getting horrible sleep from like 5 months on--how miserable!)  I had started to get horrible swollen feet a couple of weeks ago.  To the point that after a long day, I wouldn't be able to fit into my shoes anymore.  The humidity had been getting terrible for summertime and I just figured it was that and overuse with my job because I'm on them a lot.  They were very swollen when I went to the doctor last time and she said it was definitely normal, but maybe try to watch out for real salty things because that could be a factor too, plus push the fluids a lot and that should help some.  Well, being depressed everytime I have to get on the scale when I'm at the doctor's office with how much excessive weight I was gaining, I decided to take what she said and run with it.  Starting last weekend after the doctor's appointment, I have pretty much banished salt from my diet and started a total healthy diet.  Loading up on fruits and veggies and lean meats and whole grains.  I started eating grilled chicken breasts with broccoli and brown rice, or turkey burgers, etc.  I took all sweets out and I started walking about 2 miles approx. 5 times a week.  I cannot tell you how great I feel.  My feet haven't been swollen all week (we can thank the amazing temperatures we've had this week for that too--I hope they never go away!) and I have lost 3 pounds.  Please don't be concerned...I know that this is strictly fluid and fat that I'm losing.  Unfortunately, I hadn't been the most healthy person thus far in the pregnancy.  I was feeling horrible about it and knew I wasn't giving baby the good nutrients.  So doing this has been extremely beneficial for both of us!  I still make sure I get my needed calories every day, they are just healthy ones!  I'm not worried about the scale anymore because I know that I am doing my best and doing the healthy thing.  Walking every morning has given me so much extra energy and boosted my mood, just like working out hard core before I got pregnant did.  I just feel so good now and have really been good with keeping up with it and not giving in to temptation or junk food.  You wouldn't believe how much sodium is in packaged food!  I have been staying away from those things for sure!  I feel like I've seen a slight difference in the puffiness of my face and other places as well....

So with that last paragraph, noticing changes in your body during pregnancy can be sometimes hard to accept.  Since day one of finding out I was pregnant, I have lathered in lotions to prevent stretch marks. I would not be one of those people that get them I always told myself.  My sister never got one and I just figured I wouldn't either.  Well, about 3 weeks ago I noticed one pop up.  I seriously cried about it. I felt embarassed and kept trying to think of what I did wrong.  I'm going to be ugly forever I kept telling myself.  These are horrible monsters that never leave your body and only get worse.  And I still had about 10 weeks left when I found the first one.  I hated to see what I'd look like by the end.  And then I felt horrible and selfish for thinking that way when there's a precious life inside of me.  It's just a battle in my head.  Each time I pass the mirror before my shower or changing clothes, etc., I notice them.  Even this morning.  And they're getting darker and more of them.  Right on my hips.  I get so depressed because I plan on getting in the best shape of my life again after baby and will be proud to wear a bikini but now I felt like I'd never get to wear one again.  I kept praying that God would renew my mind and let me know that this is HIS body, and it's only a body.  It will never be perfect.  I didn't want to not enjoy the rest of the pregnancy because of this petty thing.  Millions of women have stretch marks.  I know that.  Except for everyone I talk to it seems.  People that only gained like 10 pounds their entire pregnancy and never had a mark to show for it and look just as tiny 2 days after they have their babies--it's discouraging to hear and see.  I need someone to relate with me and tell me it's okay.  People tell me how small I am for how far along I am all the time!  Why would I be the one to get marks when it seems like no one else has?

Well, my eyes got opened this morning at church.  I prayed on the way to church that God would speak to me in someway to help me get over my selfish self.  It just so happened that there was a woman that got up to speak today and spoke about her journey to becoming a parent.  It was a rough one.  She had lost a baby and then couldn't get pregnant.  I believe they tried for years until God opened her heart up to adoption.  I know that her story was about her adoption and children's ministry, but hearing her story is just what I needed.  And I know many other stories like it, unfortunately.  Being able to carry a child is a BLESSING!  There are way too many people out there that long to experience it and can't or have a horrible time trying.  This little life inside of my is something God created and has a plan for and He put her in me and gave ME the job of getting her here.  She's going to be my pride and joy.  I should never take something like this for granted--ever.  My body will not be the same after I have her.  I am sure of it.  I may not wear a bikini again.  But thank goodness my husband is really the only one that will have to see it and he will love me anyway.  He will love me even more because I carried his daughter and brought her into the world and these scars will remind me of it.  It's not ugly (I'm still trying to tell myself this and accept this), and I have such a godly husband that will remind me that I'm beautiful every day.  And I will have a little girl that's here with us and none of those things will matter. I am thankful, and I am blessed.  I don't know why God chose me to carry such a precious gift.  And I hurt so much for those that can't experience such a thing.  I feel horrible to ever complain about tiny little marks on my hips.

Not only at church today, but also yesterday at Lifeline's annual Walk For Life, also made me even more thankful and reminded me how precious life is.  These little ones cannot defend themselves.  We have to fight for the unborn!  Life is life at the moment of conception.  God has a plan for each one of them!  I had so much fun yesterday doing the walk for life and listening to the speaker speak and hearing how much money was raised--$10,600!  We all made a statement by walking the two miles in the rain yesterday.  I was proud to do it.  I wish more people would get involved in things like these...they're so important and you can make a difference.  Don't just sit back and watch.  Don't think that everyone else will just take care of it.  I've done that too many times!

Now onto the other thing that's been on my heart.  An exciting thing after a little bit of hurt.  A couple of weeks ago I was extremely depressed.  I was going through a friendship split (friends just going separate ways, aka, not being friends anymore).  It had been going on for awhile and I knew it and saw it coming.  There was so much hurt and anger and sadness in this friendship....at least on my end.  And it just wasn't healthy.  It was just time for the ties to be broken.  I was at peace about it and prayed a lot about it.  I had nothing on my conscience that I felt like would hold me back with it.  And I just kind of let it be.  I kept going back and forth whether to break the final ties and prayed a ton about it because I just wasn't sure I wanted to be that type of person that looked mean by doing it but the next day, I didn't have to make the decision because she took the final step in breaking the ties.  It really felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  Even though I saw it coming from a thousand miles away and knew it was best just because there was so much hurt and it wasn't a healthy relationship, it still cut deep.  I talked to my best friend Ashley a lot about it.  She's in Virginia and has been for almost four years and I've only seen her a couple of times in those years.  We talk more and are closer now than ever and she has become an amazing, amazing friend.  I've never given up on the friendship, even through the rough patches and she always thanks me for never giving up on her.  She encouraged me a lot and knew that it still really hurt me and she hurt for me.  She ended up sending flowers to me and it just completely reminded me that I don't need tons of friends.  She is a true quality friend that will always be there for me and never judge me and she always knows when I need a pick-me-up.  Even from miles and miles away she is my closest friend.  The night that the ties were broken between the other friend and I, Ashley decided to call me and talk to me.  We mostly text, sometimes skype, but our schedules are so opposite it's hard to make phone calls often.  She just knew what I needed and said exactly what I needed to hear.  And I can honestly say the hurt went away right then after our conversation.  What she said was true and I couldn't blame myself for any of it.  I haven't looked back since....God spoke through her!

Along with friendships, God has shown me that even losing one, He will find new people to bring into my life.  People that encourage me and meet me where I'm at in life.  I have been so fortunate to have met and become really close friends with two new ladies.  Two godly women that both have kids and will be great to have for this stage in my life.  (Any of you that have kids know that your friendships change.  There will be ones that stick around and stick by you, and ones that will drift away).  I still have some friends that I know I won't lose because I'm having a baby.  Ones that I've been friends with forever and still talk to very regularly...you know you guys are!  But these new women I know will become lifelong friends like my other lifelong friends.  Megan Gudde and Katie Rolston, you have filled my life with so much joy.  Katie lives here in Kirksville and I've known of her for a really long time but we really became friends a while after our husbands started working together.  She keeps up with me all the time and we meet up about every two weeks along with talking tons throughout the week.  We can vent and relate about our husband's jobs and she has so much great advice about kids!  I love her little girl, too :)  It's just been so refreshing!  Those of you that know me, know that it's hard for me to open up to new friendships.  It seems like a lot of people befriend me to use me for what I can do for them.  So unfortunately, I usually avoid getting close to people.  Katie is one that has already proved she will never be that type of friend.  She likes me for me! :)

Megan is someone I've talked to for quite awhile via just chatting on Facebook.  We related a lot with photography and I know of her through a mutual friend.  We just kinda clicked!  She is so strong in her faith and is seriously one of the most encouraging people I've ever met.  If I post a status about being upset, she's always sending me a message or text asking if I'm alright.  She's always keep up with me throughout the week to see how I'm doing.  And this woman has been through SO MUCH.  I've never seen anyone stronger than her.  I just love how it feels like we've known eachother forever but have never met in person.  She's made and gotten so many things for our baby and we're finally meeting up this week so she can give them to me (she doesn't live around here).  I am so excited!  I feel like it will be like being reunited with a friend I've known forever.

So, with all of that being said, I just want to say thank you to my friends!  All of you.  New and old, the ones that keep up with me and love me for me.  You are a blessing in my life.  And there's so many I didn't mention the names of.  You guys are so awesome, so thank you for being in my life!

Wrapping up, I'm just getting excited for a lot of things.  I have noticed, Justin and one other person today have noticed that I've dropped.  Kind of freaks me out, but our friend Judy tells me not to worry, that she's probably just changed positions and is head down now.  She will probably flip around some more!  I just have this feeling I'll go a little early--I have no idea why.  Maybe because I'd like to! haha, but I want her to be completely cooked and ready so we still have a few more weeks before she's done!  After the wedding I have to shoot in two weeks and my baby shower in three weeks, she can come anytime :)  I'll be on maternity leave then and be in my nesting stage--I'm so excited and it's much needed!  I'm really excited for my shower!  I hope that a lot of people can make it, it would mean the world to me.

I want to also thank those of you that are sticking with me and being patient with me about pictures.  Being off for 3 whole months is really really time that I need with my baby and getting used to things.  I feel like everyone deserves that.  I've had tons of inquiries and had to turn down so many people for those months already, but my loyal clients have chosen to wait for me when I'm back in the fall and my waiting list already has a large amount of people on it.  I know I will only be able to do so many in the month that I return, but I'll do what I can!  I know that God will provide while I'm off (no income for me during then--perks of being self-employed--not!) and is already showing that there will be work when I get back.  I know a lot of people are disappointed and need pictures done while I'm off but I just really need this time.  So thank you to those of you that have been supportive and understanding!  I will still have to keep up with my Tiny Toes clients while I'm off--which is just a handful of people, but I'm thankful to those of them that are also being flexible and knowing that if one of they're milestones hits at the end of July or first of August, I'm not going to be available.  It's pretty impossible to pop out a baby and come right back home to work.  I will need my time to adjust a little and also make sure I have babysitter's lined up for when I am back and able to start up again!

So, some things that I'm thankful for right now and things to smile about....God, family, friends, health, these temperatures (oh my goodness I'm loving it because I HATE summer!) and a goooood decaf latte...which I've found a new love from Sweet Expressions in KV.  Candy bar in a cup...the guy can make any candy bar in a latte!  So decaf snickers lattes are currently my new favorite thing and oh what I wouldn't give to have one of those right now!!  Random thought, I know.  Oh, and I'm thankful for those of you that encourage me and tell me how beautiful and awesome I look!  Those comments keep me going for sure!  SMILE today!  You are blessed!

And yes, this took longer to write than I anticipated so....it's time for a short nap and then onto getting things accomplished! ;)

Emily

Hello everyone :)

Well, I have a spare moment today as I'm subbing for that awesome teacher again with a couple of free class periods so I thought I'd post an update.  I don't have anything specific on my mind at all to write about.  I do have some things laid upon my heart lately that I've been worrying/stressing about and also some baby updates as I'm about to hit 25 weeks (woah!) but other than that, probably just another rambling session.  Sometimes it just feels good to write.  I've realized that I don't have many stress relievers in my life.  My husband was talking to me the other day and he said that video games is an escape for him.  A time where his brain doesn't have to run and he can de-stress.  He asked if I had anything like that that I could do that lets me clear my mind and it made me sad to answer with "well, I did."  Running used to be my escape.  I had a love/hate relationship with it.  It helped me lose my 20 pounds when I was losing weight.  I could listen to my music, talk to God, enjoy nature.....and then when I got a knee injury it was kind of ripped away from me,  unfortunately.  After my little girl arrives though, I have full intention of getting my knees completely strengthened and get back into running.  I may never be able to do a marathon, but being able to run 1-3 miles outside again would be a dream.  But for now, writing will be my escape!

Well, those of you that have been pregnant know that it starts to get where things aren't so "fun" all of the time anymore.  I still love it, it's such an amazing thing!  I will never complain about getting to experience this beautiful gift from God.  It's something to never take for granted because I know too many people right now that either aren't able to have kids, or having complications with trying to have them and it just breaks my heart.  But, what was all smelling like roses for me thus far is starting to fade and feel like true pregnancy now.  I feel so awful for people that are really sick early on with pregnancy.  I have to say, I've had it so easy and still do, I'm just starting to finally feel some pregnancy pains I guess you'd say.  Of course, heartburn, that just keeps getting worse and worse the bigger she gets because your stomach gets smashed.  I also can only eat very little at a time now (also due to stomach being smashed) and usually what I do eat doesn't set well.  My favorite, mexican, especially doesn't set well anymore which is a very sad thing for me!  I still torture myself with it now and then though ;)

Besides the lovely scare that I had a few weeks ago when I was on a trip and had to go in and get checked out because baby girl moves all of the time and I hadn't felt her move for about 4 days.  That was one of the scariest things in the world.  And I just have to say how thankful I am that I had people to call and people that cared because I don't think some people realize how scary it is when you think you may have lost your child.  I think that was the most scared I've been in all my life.  And luckily I had my beautiful aunt by my side to come and get me and stay with me since I didn't have anyone else in town and she and my uncle made me so comfortable and let me stay with them that evening.  Once they found the heartbeat I just started to cry of relief.  What a traumatic evening that was.  They said she could've moved to a different spot to where I couldn't feel her and that may have been why I wasn't feeling her all of the time anymore.  Either way....scary.

A few weeks went by after that and I was doing pretty great again, minus the heartburn and being super tired as usual.  I woke up on Sunday morning, however, and noticed that everytime I went to the bathroom I felt like I was getting no relief and felt like I constantly had to go.  And not just "had to go", it was like "this is an emergency, I'm going to pee myself have to go".  And then I couldn't go....so think of the worst time ever that you've had to pee.  Like you couldn't hold it.  This is what I was feeling non-stop!  So we get to church after I've went to the bathroom already that morning like 50 times and it's just so uncomfortable.  I thought it had to be a UTI, why else would I be feeling that way?  So we got into the urgent care and left church and they tested my pee (hey, gotta tell it like it is, right?) and after waiting for the results, I started to get horrible back pain around my kidneys.  They came back and told me that everything was completely clear.  So that ruled out UTI and bladder infection.  So what the heck was up?  I was so miserable, I cannot even tell you how miserable that was.  They checked the baby's heartbeat, which is always nice to hear and it was strong, and then told me that they could retest me tomorrow if it was still bad.  But I was leaving with no relief which made me sad :(  I called the OB on call doctor in Columbia and she told me the baby could be laying directly on my bladder and squishing it or I could be working on a bladder infection.  I just wanted to rest, so she told me to take a tylenol and try to move the baby around a little bit.  Well, everytime I'd lay down and get comfortable with my back, I'd have to get up and pee.  It was a never ending exhausting cycle, so needless to say, I didn't get a nap. 

I had my niece, Jalee's birthday party to attend that evening and although I felt awful, I wasn't comfortable at home sitting, laying or standing so what would be the difference if I went to the party?  Plus, I couldn't miss that sweet girl's birthday.  We picked up cranberry juice on the way to Lancaster (nasty stuff) and I just started downing it hoping it would help with what I still thought was a bladder infection.  Got to the party and people could tell I wasn't feeling right.  I felt awful because I'm not the type of person that wants to let on when I'm in pain or not feeling right....I can't stand being a whiney person.  But I love that family so dearly, they all asked about me and were all concerned.  The peeing thing was finally getting better.  For some reason that back pain just kept getting worse and worse, to the point where it was getting hard to breathe.  I still had a great time celebrating Jalee's birthday and we went home after that so I could hopefully try and get some rest.  I took another tylenol and laid on the couch and my dear husband took such good care of me.  He had rubbed my back so many times that day, but this time he rubbed the soreness out for a good twenty minutes.  And for the first time that entire day I had relief!  It was amazing!  I decided to get up and go to bed while I was feeling okay.  Well, it was only an hour or so later when the relief and tylenol wore off and I had to pee again.  I decided to just move to the couch to I wouldn't wake Justin up anymore that night.  I would get a little comfortable and then wake up every hour in the night to pee.  I finally ended up in the recliner and was only able to sleep on my back with my fist on the part of my back that hurt.  Still up every hour,  but was getting a little sleep.  The next morning I was supposed to sub.  I love subbing so when I had to call in and ask them to find a sub for a sub I felt awful.  I really wanted to sub yesterday and I hate leaving people hanging.  I just knew I couldn't do it.  Hardly being able to move, being up all night and still having to pee constantly would make it impossible to be in a classroom.  I tried to sleep some that day and texted John (our doctor and family friend) to see if he thought I'd need a back treatment.  My bladder issues had mainly gone away and I was just left with the back pain.  Being the awesome person he is, he got me in and when he felt around on my back, neck and hips, I was apparently all sorts of jumbled up!  My neck, back, ribs and hip were all twisted around.  He worked wonders on me and although I was sore when I left, I was feeling relief and today my back feels 100%.  So, moral of the story, baby girl must've been pouncing or laying on my bladder with all of her weight, plus my back was twisted around like a pretzel.  He said I would probably need really treatments because pregnant women fall out of place very easily!  So, it's been interesting lately, but still a joy!  Still loving this little girl like crazy and can't wait to meet her.  Can't believe we're only 15 weeks away....

I really apologize for that lengthy and probably boring story, but I have to write these things down or I won't remember any of the stories from my pregnancy journey.  You always think you'll remember things and then BAM, pregnancy brain, haha.

Well, lately some things have just been laid on my heart.  Facebook, for one.  I feel like I waste so much time on it.  But not only that, when I do look at it, it always tears me down.  Not very often does it uplift me unless someone has sent me an encouraging message or post.  Instead, I scroll through facebook and see how one of my friend's has written on someone else's wall and think "oh they don't care about me", or see that they've put up a special birthday greeting for someone else but didn't care to do that for me, or see who's gotten pictures taken by someone else, who looks better pregnant, envy the skinny people and just basically anything that can tear me down or let satan in to run my mind, will.  It's not worth it.  Which is sad because I like to use facebook as an encouraging tool myself.  So last night was the first time I had gotten on it for a couple of days.  I feel like I missed a lot (a couple of people that had babies or posted bump pictures, and a car accident that one of my students was in) but then I also feel like I missed nothing at all.  Along with this facebook thing and how much of a time sucker it is, it is so handy because almost everyone has it on their phones for constant use.  I have been noticing lately driving down the road that about 80% of the people I pass or see are using their phones.  Whether it's to check what they've missed on facebook 5 seconds ago or to send someone a text, it's insane.  And even from that, I was sitting at the doctor's office yesterday and just the small little line to check in to the office, everyone in the line was looking at their phone.  And I looked around me and almost all of them were also on their phones.  I sat back and thought of how ridiculous it looked and how people don't know how to be patient anymore.  They can't have a 5 minute wait without occupying their time with something on their phone.  And then I thought...I am also one of those people.  As much as a try not to be, if I have to wait anywhere, I'll just surf my phone.  How sad is this that the world has come to?  Can we not socialize with one another anymore?  Can we not read a book?  I feel so stupid and guilty over this lately that I have just been trying to make a conscious effort to put my phone down.  If I'm going to a family gathering, I'm just going to leave it in my purse.  We don't get these moments back.  What if we all took a little bit of time away from our phones and devices?  Let's put them away at night and spend time talking with our families.  I promise you're not going to miss much and you can catch up later.  I'm not saying I'll stop using Facebook because I won't.  I feel like it's a great tool to keep up with people.  But I'm probably going to go to once a day or every couple of days instead of 50 times a day or just everytime I pull out my phone.  Just really been on my heart lately. 

Well, I guess this grouchy girl has written enough for today.  It was all over the place, I know, but hey, if you made it through reading this....awesome :)  Yes, it is a grouchy/blah day.  The weather is awful....I thought it was Spring?  It's a full moon, people are being grumpy with me today and one of my students being in a car accident yesterday and being seriously injured is just really tugging at my heart.  Oh Tuesday....I would say I'm ready for you to be Wednesday already but I'm not!  Tomorrow I get to go to Columbia for my doctor's appointment, but this time I have to drink the sugary drink and get my blood drawn.  I've heard the drink makes you sick and if any of the tests come back positive I have to take a three hour test.  Just praying all goes well.  Not worried about the poking part anymore because I'm used to it. 

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.....

Hello everyone!

I have been wanting to write a blog since we found out what our sweet baby is, but just haven't had a chance!  I want to get everything written down before I forget the details :)

Well, last week on Wednesday we had our appointment to find out what our baby is.  We had been counting down the days for about two months, we just couldn't wait!  No more "it", we couldn't wait for it to become personal.  The night before we got up to go to Columbia, I just couldn't sleep.  I was 99% positive they'd say it's a boy.  Now, ever since I married Justin, he had always told me that he hopes I don't mind boys because Buckallews are all boys.  There's only 2 girl cousins that I'm aware of and even that generation is having boys as well.  I had completely wrapped my head around this and was completely and totally prepared to have all boys.  But, along with thinking for sure they'd tell us it's a boy, I also would have a few dreams with the little inkling of a chance that we'd get there and they'd said it's a girl.  The next morning I couldn't sleep.  Our appointment was at 10am so we had to get up pretty early.  I was still ready way early.  The ride down there felt like hours!  Once we got there and they called us back, my nerves just went sky high and I was just so excited.  We had an awesome tech. Which we had requested a new one after the very not nice lady we had last time.  It was like night and day difference between the two so I was so thankful.  Of course, she didn't look first thing to see what the gender is, but it was SO cool to see how much our baby had grown!  We hadn't seen our baby since 12 weeks and now we were at 21.  Big difference.  The lady scanned down by the legs and I immediately thought "I didn't see anything there!"  About the time that I thought that, Justin comes out and says "I think I just saw something!"  I told him that was funny because I thought the opposite.  The lady just kind of chuckled.  It was awesome getting to see the fingers and toes and watch the baby move.  The miracle of life is just so amazing.  Then about mid-way through, she went to check the gender.  She said, "congratulations you guys, it's a girl!"  It is a very clear picture as well :)  I'll post it below.  Justin and I both just looked at each other with our mouths wide open.  I'm not going to lie, I teared up.  I am carrying a precious little girl and I could not be any happier.  Justin was just in pure shock.  I was as well, but he just knew he was in trouble with having a little girl draining his wallet as well as having him wrapped around her little fingers.  We just never thought it was possible and were in complete shock.  We couldn't get over it, still can't.  We are both excited beyond belief though!  Having my mind wrapped around having boys and never getting my own little girl, I immediately started thinking of all of the fun little things we would get to do.  I can do her hair, she can do mine, we can shop together, do each other's nails.....the list goes on.  Plus, CUTE clothes to buy! :)  Remember how I said we had a definite boy name picked out and that if we had a girl she would be nameless?  Well, now it was time to hunt for the name.  I was completely blank.  There were a few we both liked, but they were too similar to other family members' names and just wouldn't work.  If we have a boy in the future, we still fully intend on using the boy name we have chosen.  And the middle names will for sure be Lee William.  Lee is Justin's dad's middle name, as well as his and also my Grandpa Findling's.  William is Justin's second middle name along with his grandpa Eddie being called that by his mother.  I also just found out that it also runs on my grandma Tharp's side of the family!  We will see if we get to use it or not.....

It's a GIRL!  Where the little white arrow is  shows that there's no male parts!

Our cutie :)

While on the hunt for the girl name, we decided to go sit at Barnes and Noble later in the afternoon and look through a baby name book.  One of the names I had thought of before popped up in the baby book and we both liked it.  However, it wasn't fitting with the middle name that we liked so I just kind of ruled it out.  So, we still felt lost with the name...

After the appointment, we were still in shock.  And starving because we had to wait for the doctor because she had to rush to do a delivery.  I do not know how that woman does it!  We went and ate at CiCi's pizza and then went off to shop a little bit.  I was so excited to find some girly clothes and Justin picked some out as well.  He's just as excited as I am.  There are certain men in the world that you just know are going to be amazing with having a little girl.  I know he's one of them.  After shopping, we met my aunt Darla, uncle Danny and their son Dayton for supper at HuHot.  It was a great visit, PLUS I love that place and I've been craving it ever since I had it last week!  It was so hard not to tell them the gender of our baby.  We had to keep it a secret from everyone for TWO DAYS!  Longest two days of our lives.  This is because we were going to get both sides of the family together on that Friday (only time everyone would be off and could come) to tell them all at once and we wanted to make sure they were all the first ones to know.  Anyway, we went to see their new house after that and it is so beautiful!

The next day I had to sub.  A few people in the school knew that I was finding out the gender the day before so of course I knew it was going to be so hard not to call her a "she" that entire day.  Justin was off work that day so I didn't have to worry about him ;)  Anyway, I wore a pink cardigan and mint skinny jeans that day and of course someone had to ask if I was wearing pink for a reason.  It honestly was the only thing that looked cute with mint and fit!  I got asked multiple times that day if we knew the gender yet and of course I couldn't lie to them so I just told them yes but that I couldn't tell them until Friday.  They weren't happy with the answer but I was so proud of myself I stayed firm all day on not telling!  Honestly, the one I was concerned about spilling the next day was Justin, lol, but he did awesome too!

Friday evening was so much fun.  The families came over and we had them wear pink or blue for what their votes were.  I made a cake that was pink in the middle and we did that before we ate.  The majority of the family came wearing blue.  Well, I would've too, considering I was positive it was a boy!  I took a photo of each side before we cut the cake.  We had both grandma's cut the cake.  My mom and Justin's mom were the only adults to wear pink.  All three of my nieces also wore pink but let's face it, they really just all love the color pink--ha!

It took them no time at all to dive into the cake and their faces were priceless!  My mom's was mostly like "I told you so" and Becky's was pure shock!  My mom said from the beginning that she just had this feeling that it was going to be a girl.  "God has a sense of humor" was the thing she always made sure to tell us.  It will forever be engraved in our minds because He sure does!  It was just so fun to be able to tell the whole family.  They were all happy and excited for us.  I just love our family. (P.S., if you're curious about where my dad is, he wore neutral because he didn't know, or have a preference and I did take a picture of him, but he doesn't like his pictures on the internet, haha)

Team Pink!

Team Blue

My two sisters-in-law and mother-in-law loving on baby girl :)

We also posted our announcement on facebook to announce to the rest of our friends.  I was so excited about the announcement we put together.  It was a complete original idea.  I'm just in love with it!  I think I'll have to print it out for sure.  People kept telling us how cute it was....so fun! :)

Well, as I've said many times before, you totally find out who your friends are through exciting times and sad times.  There have been so many people that are so excited for us and have already started making things for our little girl, etc.  Of course, there are always some that you "expect" to be there for you and be just as happy and excited, but, as usual, sometimes you can just expect too much from people.  Now, I have decided that the positive has WAYYYY outweighed the negative and I am just overwhelmed with happiness and joy over those who have been so sweet and caring to me/us through this.  It's truly amazing!  Thank you so much to those of you for the congrats and the constant calls, texts and messages.  It means the world to us!

Since finding out we're having a girl, I've went crazy over figuring out a theme for the room and picking out her crib, changing table and glider.  I have found all of it, just the glider is unavailable :(  I've also figured out the room colors which will be pink, grey and white.  I've got it all in my head and I can't wait to start working on it!  We also ordered the stroller/carseat combo!  I'm so excited about getting it!  I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things to get/get done before she gets here, but it's coming together a little at a time!  We're already gathering quite a few things and have had people volunteer to help with the room.

On another note, baby girl DOES have a name now!  I'm so in love with it and I just can't wait for her to get here.  Justin and I never disagreed on a name so it's been really nice.  The name is a secret of course.  It's fun that way, but also there's so many people having babies right now that I'd be devastated if the name got stolen.  Let alone there's so many opinions on names out there and if the parents love the name, it's disheartening if someone else doesn't feel the same way.  After she's born and named, there's no going back :)  This name just fits!

I can't express how wonderful it's been to see God's hand in all of this.  We prayed about when it was time for us to have kids and Justin and I were on the same page at the exact same time.  We knew that if it was God's will for us then to have kids, He would make it happen and He did!  I wouldn't trade these almost 4 years with just Justin and I for anything.  It's the time in marriage that you really get to know each other.  You get used to each other's quirks, get past the petty fighting, start to learn to pick your battles, let alone all of the time that we've had with just the two of us.  It's going to be a huge change for us, but I have no doubt that with God and our marriage being so strong now, we can face it together.

I know this was all baby stuff this time, but I need to get it all down to look back on and not forget the details! :)  I don't really have any life lessons to write about right now, sorry!

I hope everyone has an awesome rest of the week!  Thanks for tuning in to our baby update :)

P.S., as I'm getting ready to add the pictures to this, I forgot to mention how cute baby girl's profile is!  We think she has daddy's forehead and my face shape/chin and the cutest little button nose, which I just can't get over!  I'm in love so much already....the anticipation of seeing what she'll look like is killing me!

21 weeks

Well good morning! :)  It is a good morning now, anyway.  I am subbing today and normally when I sub I look forward to just a little bit of coffee to start my morning off here at school.  I don't drink caffeine anymore unless it's just this cup of coffee I have at school.  Well, I went up to try the coffee this morning and it came out pure water!  They said it's the second time they'd tried to make it that morning and it kept doing it.  Sad story.  In between first and second hour during the bell, however, I went and tried again and there was a beautiful little waterfall of wonderful coffee running out.  Yes, maybe a little over dramatic on that, but I was a happy camper! :)

You're probably wondering "how can she have time to write a blog when she's supposed to be subbing?"  Well, I'm subbing for my favorite awesome teacher today and her classes are so well behaved.  This hour I only have two students and they're both seniors working on the computers finishing their work.  I love subbing and building relationships with the students.  I especially love the senior class this year and will be sad to see them graduate.  I think there will be many successful young adults come from that class.  There's a group of girls in that class that have a special place in my heart :)  I love how I can relate, joke and laugh with them.

Well, time for a pregnancy update, yes?  If you don't care about them, it's probably a good time to stop reading, haha.  I told Justin last night that I feel like it's all I ever post about or talk about anymore.  People probably get real tired of seeing another update on my Facebook page about the baby, but it definitely is consuming my life right now considering it's living inside of me and my body is changing so dramatically!  I don't forget that he/she is in there, but sometimes it really catches me by surprise when it moves!  I worry sometimes because I can usually only feel it moving around a couple times a day and it's usually just one or two quick little movements.  Last night really caught me off guard when I was just laying on the couch and I just felt the biggest movements I've ever felt.  It was so cool.  I know baby is growing and getting bigger and stronger.  I feel like I've "popped" just over the last couple of days.  From Sunday to Monday evening, I felt like I finally had a big, noticeable belly!  My mom says it's about time, she thought I was going to get away with hiding it the whole time. ;)  I am 20 weeks in two days though, so I guess it's about time to show!

Well, I feel like some pregnancy symptoms have come in at full swing.  I don't really talk much about any of them because I don't want to ever come across as "whiney" through this whole amazing process.  I need to write down what I'm feeling though so I can look back on my experience.  I'm having cravings, weird dreams, heartburn and lower back pain (usually only at the end of the day if I've bent over a lot in a day).  I have examples for each that are kind of funny.  I told some people yesterday that my poor child is going to come out saying "Feed me fast food!"  I try to be as healthy as possible, but come on, nothing sounds better than fast food right now, unfortunately.  And it's usually Taco Bell.  Last night around nine o'clock I got a craving for chocolate dessert.  It's a dessert my mom and sister make that has a crust, cream cheese layer, chocolate pudding layer and whipped cream on the top layer.  Well, I hopped right up to make some then.  You back the crust and cool it and then add the rest and chill the whole thing.  Justin laughed because I totally didn't wait to let anything cool or set up.  I wanted it and I wanted it now.  So, I got it all together and scooped out my sloppy mess and I was one happy camper!

Along with all of that comes the moodiness.  I think I do pretty good a good majority of the time, but when I get tired, watch out.  My students are even learning this!  Here's an example from last week.  I had an eye appointment because my eyes have been getting worse for a long time due to staring at a computer screen for my job.  I was extremely irritable that day.  Anything and everything annoyed me.  You should've seen me when they gave me contact samples, though.  I hadn't been used to putting them in for a long time and Justin tried to help me and let's just say I about got in a fight with those dumb things.  It wasn't pretty :)  However, last night I was the opposite.  Once Justin got home and after I ate my dessert I was just goofy.  I played with some flarp and danced and laughed.  It was awesome.  Full out moodiness I tell ya!

You'll find this dream one funny.  I'm sure you've all had extremely odd dreams throughout pregnancy.  I've had a few so far, but the one I had last night scared the crap out of me and it woke me up!  Or maybe it was that I had to pee that woke me up....but regardless, this was creepy.  All I really remember is that my mom, sister and I were delivering a table.  Why?  I have no idea.  We stopped by a pond and got out.  April saw that a penguin was being attacked by a hippo.  She jumped in the water to save the poor penguin and swam after the hippo and she was being eaten by the hippo when I woke up! :(  So scary!  And weird.....

Well, we find out what we're having next week!  It's going to be the most exciting thing.  No more "it".  At least it will be a he or she.  Justin's excitement just makes me so happy.  He's had a countdown on his phone since last month.  It counts down to the minute.  I can't wait to get the whole family together (my parents and siblings and Justin's parents and siblings) to tell them all at once.  I love having family together.  I want them to wear pink or blue to our house that evening to show their guess.  We will see who is right!  If it ends up being a boy, we're set to go with the name.  If they tell us it's a girl, I told Justin she will be nameless.....I seriously cannot find one name that I like.  Neither can Justin.  We've just been dead set on the boy's name since pretty much we found out we were expecting.  We've thought of a few girl's names but nothing has stuck.  There's a couple that I like, but they're either taken by people we know, or they're just too overused. We shall see!

Yes, that was an extremely long baby update.  I apologize.  One of my students just walked up behind me and said "wow, your blog is longer than my speech".  Yes, I'm winded. :)

On another note, it's coming up on 6 years of my Grandpa Findling passing away.  I remember the night at the hospital very clearly 6 years ago tomorrow.  It was a night that we spent a very long evening there.  It was the evening we said good-bye.  I miss him so much and the way things used to be.  I miss his smile and his laugh and how he called me "Miss America" and "baby".  He got to see me get crowned Homecoming Queen and most importantly, he got to see me get baptized.  He didn't make it to graduation or my wedding.  He didn't get to meet my husband Justin (which he's so much like) and he won't get to meet our baby...on earth.  I know that we will see him again and I know for a fact where he is.  He didn't ever know a stranger and he wasn't afraid to share his faith.  He didn't always live that way, but he let God dramatically change his life.  He was an amazing man.

Unfortunately, this is one of the only pictures I have of him! :(

Besides the baby updates, just a few things I want to talk about.  Okay, I'm going to admit it.  I watch the Bachelor.  I didn't miss one episode.  And I fully enjoyed every week of texting my sister Morgan through the entire show doing a play by play with each other.  It is a completely stupid show and I don't understand how one person can "date" that many people.  It just doesn't make sense.  But like any t.v. show, it's intriguing.  Well, in the beginning, everyone was pretty much okay with Juan Pablo--The Bachelor.  I never found him even remotely cute, nor did I like the accent, but to each their own.  Well, it got to the end and Juan Pablo showed who he really was.  A very rude and disrespectful person.  Regardless that he disrespected the women and was just using them, he was extremely disrespectful to the host on the show after the finale.  Horrible.  And I just have to say, even though that's on t.v., it really made me think about respect in general.  If you want respect, you need to always give it.  It's one thing that just drives me nuts.  When people are rude and disrespectful to other people it just starts a chain.  It's not pretty.  If you want something especially, even if you are frustrated, you're going to get a heck of a lot more out of them if you're just plain sweet.

On a personal level, I'm just going to throw out there how paranoid I am.  My friend and I got to talking about this last night.  Just things that we make up in our head or think too much into.  It's the smallest things, too.  Mine lately has been my posts on Facebook.  I'm not gonna lie, I watch them like a hawk.  I remember who likes my things, especially all of my baby updates lately.  It makes a difference to me.  And I read into it horribly when I expect one or two people to "like" that post because it's a joyful, happy experience for me and I get upset when they don't.  And then I REALLY read into it if those same people like random things all over Facebook, but can't take the time to like mine.  It makes me think "they just don't like me, they like so and so better", etc.  It's a stupid, petty thing that I really struggle with.  I really feel like Facebook is a joy sucker.  I love it and I hate it.  But it can get me so down at times.  Especially if I see that my hard work has been stolen, copied, cropped, etc., it just bugs me way too much and it can really steal my joy and affect my entire day.  Most people may not write about petty little things that bug them.  I'm embarrassed to write about this one, but my blog is called "Life Exposed" and I'm an open book.  I'm trying to learn that we can never rely on people because they will always fail us.  Even if they don't mean to.  I fail people all of the time even though it's never my intention.  Only God is the one that can give us joy and never fail us.  I have to constantly remember that, and it's definitely a learning process.

Before I hop off of here....finally, I just wanted to say thank you so much to those that are praying for us and our baby and thank you for being excited for us.  It truly means so much.  This has been an amazing, yet roller coaster of a journey.  And we're almost halfway there.  I want to enjoy every moment, but it's hard to wait for our little one to be here.  I can't wait to see what he/she looks like and watch them grow.  I'm still scared crapless to be a mommy, just the fact that I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing, but I'll get the hang of it.  And I have some amazing friends and family that I'm sure will give great advice and be willing to help.

I hope everyone has a peachy day :)  Thanks for reading my novel!  I'll leave you with a verse of the day:

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins"
 1 Peter 4:8 NLT