Life Exposed: June 2018

Oh how I've wanted to write a blog post for so long now. It's 8:30 as I'm starting this and to be quite honest I had to think....do I want to write, or would I rather sleep? Ha! Such is life lately. Obviously for the past 7 weeks I've chosen the sleep :)

Transitioning from one child to two has been no joke. When everyone says going from one to two children is the hardest transition they're right. They say its easy after two going to three or four. I'm not going to find out. Yes, we're done!

I feel like the past 7 weeks have been such a blur. Trying to soak up each moment in my girls' lives while also just trying to make my goal to keep them alive by the end of each day. So far, success!

Most of you know that I had a pretty rough ending to my pregnancy. Being in the hospital on bed rest for a whole week before Brynlee was born, 1.5 hours away from my family and alone. I made some pretty amazing friends with the nurses I had though, and I will never forget them! I honestly felt miserable for the last month that I was pregnant. That's not whining, that's just truthfully how it was.

The day Brynlee was born was an interesting one as well. Nothing went as "planned". We got there to check in at 5:30am that morning for our scheduled c-section and they said they didn't have us on the books. My hormonal pregnant second personality arose very quickly and I let them know this baby was coming today! hehe. They got it all worked out and got me prepped. I will say the things I was so scared of weren't near as scary as I thought them to be. The c-section itself was odd though. Not feeling what was going on as your guts were being pulled out on the other side of the curtain and all you can see is the anesthesiologist standing above you the whole time. Justin was by my side for literally 2 minutes if that. They flashed me a look at Brynlee and off she went and Justin went too. I was told I'd get skin to skin time once her cord was cut, etc. I knew after a few minutes things just weren't right. They told me she was okay but she was having trouble breathing and they were getting the NICU supervisor. Once I was all sewn back together the nurse came over and explained what they were going to have to do with Brynlee. She was going to be in the NICU. They didn't know how long. Only that since she was early and a c-section baby, her lungs just weren't quite cleared out enough. They brought her over to me and the poor thing had oxygen in her nose. She was beautiful though, and my first thought was that I was surprised she looked nothing like Quinn. And she had HAIR! I got a reward for 9 months of sleeping sitting straight up every night! And off went my new baby that I hadn't even gotten to hold yet along with my husband. I was wheeled into recovery alone and very emotional about everything that had just happened. Luckily, my sister was in the waiting room. My saving grace--that girl was like my solid rock through everything that day and the weeks before! She let me cry and calmed me down. I am typing up the rest of the birth story as I get time, but thankfully our sweet girl was out of the NICU within 24 hours!

Fast forward to recovering from a surgery, not being allowed to drive or lift. Justin had a few days home with me (in between having another hospital stay in Columbia a day after we got home because of Brynlee's jaundice and bilirubin levels) and mainly took care of Quinn. We didn't get any days to stay at home and not leave. We were at the hospital each day it seemed to get Brynlee's bilirubin levels checked or head manipulated. Not even one day back home Justin had to return to his second job which is pre-loading each morning for UPS from 5-9am. I was thrown back into life real quickly having to now care for not one, but two little people! I had to get a little creative there the first couple of weeks figuring out to get my oldest to the sitter when I wasn't supposed to drive yet, but thankfully a few of those days a couple of family members helped me out with it! Then the third week I was doing it since I was off of the pain meds at that point. I will not lie. The first three weeks were rough. I was super sore and emotional. But then from there things started to get a lot better! I even feel like recovery this time was a little easier than the first time with my natural delivery.

Not only had I puffed up like a blowfish during the end of this pregnancy, the day of the c-section they added an extra 20 lbs of fluid to me from pushing them through my IV. Over the course of the next few days, I could no longer bend my toes at all from them being that swollen. I wondered if I'd ever get my feet back, but I'm happy to report that I did! :)

Being a mom of two has not been easy. You don't get breaks. You don't get to sleep in or take extra naps if you have your older one at home. Quinn is over the moon about her baby sister and it is heart melting--until she smothers her a little too much--ha! But I'd say Quinn is having the hardest time adjusting. A new little personality has formed in her because she has to work a little harder for the attention that she was freely given before. Justin and I will both admit that's been hard and we've considered putting her up for sale a couple of times. (I hope you all know that I'm truly kidding and have to laugh along the way with all of this). The days home with both of them have been hard for me because I'm trying to find the balance of getting Brynlee on a schedule along with still spending quality time with Quinn. I've gotten out a few times with them both and its been good. It's only been to the park or to visit family but that's about as adventurous as I've gotten so far.

I've struggled a lot earlier this time with postpartum anxiety and depression. Being real here, I know a lot of people are ashamed of that and nobody talks about it. A few times it got pretty bad. I will say though that sleep deprivation makes both of these worse, especially the anxiety. I've been working through it with my doctor. Although I don't feel comfortable taking medication for it while breastfeeding (I'm not willing to give that up this time because its actually going so well and I'm loving it!), I've decided to try a few things myself to see if I can help it naturally. A couple of weeks ago I started eating completely healthy as well as adding in exercise since I'm allowed to now. I'm happy to tell you that its been working for me! I've been a much happier person and mom to my kids. It's the little things like filling your cup so you can fill others that helps so much. There was an evening earlier this week that I was struggling pretty hard. I asked Justin as he was giving Quinn a bath and Brynlee was in bed if it'd be okay if I stepped out and went for a walk. He knew I needed it and encouraged it. The weather was gorgeous and so was the sunset. I tried loading a sermon but my reception (good ole Greentop) was awful and it wouldn't load. Then even pandora wouldn't play. I took it as a sign from God that He just wanted me to talk to Him. I had a free moment of silence. So I laid it all out there and on the way home pandora started working and I listened to worship music. After my 20 minutes I returned home to a hug and a "I missed you so much mommy!" from Quinn and came back a much happier human. I encourage you to always try and give yourself even a few minutes if you can. It does make a difference. I'm thankful for a husband who knows when I need it, too.

Onward to my biggest struggle since having Brynlee since we're being honest here and all. After I had Brynlee and got a chance at a mirror I was disgusted. I had discovered huge red stretch marks that had been hiding where I couldn't see them under my belly. It's amazing how Satan can find you at your weakest point and make you feel worthless. Along with that, at my doctor visit followup I looked at the scale for the very first time in two years and wanted to cry. YES I've just had a baby. But you have no idea how hard I am on myself. I let that number define me which is exactly why I haven't looked in two years. Top that off with me ordering a swimsuit online and it coming in this week....trying it on and NO, just no. Don't do that to yourself 7 weeks postpartum. LOL!

I'm part of a breastfeeding group on FB that lets us ask questions if we have any. It's great, but then I see all these posts about these other moms who were back to postpartum weight within two weeks PLUS like ten pounds below just because they're breastfeeding. I'm breastfeeding too, why won't my body do that? Why do I always have to work five times as hard to lose weight? I've still got 20 lbs to go and its not budging worth anything and they're already in their skinny jeans.

You see? Why does that number define me? Does it mean I'm any different of a person if I'm 20 lbs more than before? It has housed TWO (three, if you count the one we lost) beautiful babies that were given LIFE. Sure, I know I'll get where I want to be just because I want to be healthy and feel better. It's going to be a lot slower process than others just because that's the way my body works. But I'll get there. I'm truly grateful for being allowed to carry these babies. A lot of people aren't as fortunate to get that chance.

My point with all of that is that a number can't define us. Its just a stupid number. I am giving myself grace--its only been 7 weeks! My kids don't care about those extra 20 pounds. All they care about is if I'm a happy mommy. And when I'm a happy mommy I can soak in all of those moments with them. Quinn tells me every day that I'm "bootyfull" and that's all that matters to me. I'm not going to continue to allow myself the pity party because my girls are watching me. In fact, there was a time a couple of weeks ago that Quinn and I had some smoothies for a snack. She said "mommy, let's take a picture with our smoothies!" I literally almost said, no Quinn, mommy looks gross, but I stopped myself and soaked up that moment and took the picture! And I'm glad I did. I need to remember that its okay to be in pictures even if my face is still puffy and its not the definition of "perfection". Its memories and I'm sure going to want those later! It's easy to compare ourselves to other moms, but we have to stop doing that! Our kids just want US!

Again, I'm working really hard at getting back to a healthy me, and I'm enjoying it and feeling so much better. That's important. But just because I have an extra roll and stretch mark doesn't mean I'm not worth anything. If this is you too, give yourself some grace. You're amazing, don't forget that!

The past 7 weeks have been life changing. It's been hard and its been challenging. But its been SO worth it. Our family is complete and I thank God every day for these precious beautiful gifts that I've been given. Yes, there's been struggles. Lots of times of being sleep deprived (but that's getting a little better thankfully!) and LOTS of coffee. But Brynlee brings so much joy to our family and is the perfect fit into our family. She's such a good baby and usually pretty chill. All unless she's hungry (like momma!) or in her carseat and its not moving. She's not afraid to let you know!

Thanks for reading and remember not to be hard on yourself. Give yourself grace. Be in the pictures. Soak up the memories and fill your cup when it needs filled. Please enjoy some pictures of just "life" below.

For mother's day I asked if Justin would take some pictures of me with my babies!

Mother's Day!

This is one of those pictures Justin took and I went "ew". But ya know what, this is life lately and I'm out enjoying an evening with my family! The first night we all went to the park and had a picnic!