I had a thought just now, and I thought I should write it out in hopes that maybe someone else would want to hear it. Whether I share it today is yet to be decided, but still I feel like God gave me this on my heart to share.
A lot of emotions have come forth after posting my video last week about my past. I pretty much felt naked on a stage where everything was stripped off of me and everyone could finally see the "real me", or "know". I thought I should also elaborate just so nobody makes assumptions--this was NOT a family member. I'm not going to share a name, and I'm not going to give out all the details of this or that--I'm not ready, and that is personal so I likely never will be ready. But today is this person's birthday and for some reason this date is engraved in my head. Que the flashbacks of things I'd rather forget. Anyway....not what I got on here to say, however, is does preface kind of where this comes from.
I chose to put my phone on silent and leave it upstairs today. Stay off of social media and not have it there to numb me to everything going on around me. You see, I've found that I don't love being alone with my thoughts and that's why I use it so much. It keeps me busy where I don't have to really think deeply. I also am not connected to anyone physically (besides my family, obviously) and during this quaratine, its been really helpful for that and encouraging others, etc. Social media has been good. Until I get into my own head and question literally every word I put out there. Whether or not it is helping someone else or people just think I'm a complete idiot. Some days I'm completely on fire and confident in every word I say and owning my true self. And other times, the doubt creeps in and then I let it and it ends up becoming a few day cycle of me going "dark". My people know this about it. It is not a lovely thing.
I chose to eat my lunch out on my deck and get vitamin D just now. I had a sandwich and an apple. I got to the apple and noticed it had a ding on it. Since it was just me and my thoughts (something I feel like I haven't had in about 8 weeks) I got to really thinking about this apple. I ate around the spot and of course being a honeycrisp--its just so juicy and sweet. I got to thinking.....how many times have I passed up or thrown away an apple because of a bruise. Or just left it there as the bruise then infected the entire apple leaving nothing good of it to eat at that point.
So then I get to thinking of myself. You see, I've had this bruise for years. Some people knew, most didin't. But to me it was like walking around with a billboard and everyone knew. I suffer from anxiety and depression, as does so much of America. I have to say that likely a lot of it started with this experience in my childhood. I've always had these doubts about myself (right...pretty much everyone that knows me?) but I've also had some beautiful and encouraging words to share with others.
So this bruise. What do you do when you have a bruised apple? I got to thinking of my grandma. Whether it was an apple or a tomato, she'd cut that bruise right out and use every good part of that apple that she could. Nothing was ever wasted!
Me, on the other hand. I'd usually just let it sit on the counter until its then too rotten to amount to anything.
I'll say I've had a lot of "grandmas" in my life and also a lot of "myself". I've had people pass me by because I'm too complicated once they get to know me, or too much work to get around the bruise to see all of the beautiful, sweet and very usable parts still left of me.
And then I've had some grandmas. Oh....those grandmas. They're few and far between but MAN. Let me tell you, they are the best. They've sat down and proved to me over and over and OVER again that the bruise doesn't define me. It is part of me, and its part of my story, but inside and digging deeper is so worth it to be a part of my life. They'll constantly try to help cut out that bruise so that even I can see it. And sometimes that hurts!
And then of course the Lord. That bruise is there...and it likely will be for my entire life here on earth. God washes away the sin, and embraces us with open arms. Encouraging each of us to share our stories with the bruises we have--no matter how hard that might be. We won't be perfect here on earth. But we will be when we're in our eternal home. We can embrace the bruise and work to dig deeper and find the sweet spots, or we can leave it there untouched and consuming our lives and letting it rot out the rest of the sweet parts. Because I promise you, leaving it untouched, it will consume more parts of us than we realize.
Make sure you have your "grandmas". Those people that will love you no matter what. And try your best to be a grandma as well. Because we all need more of those.
If you have a bruise, you're not broken. It doesn't make you disposable. Because I promise you there's no perfect apple. Even if it looks perfect from the outside, its like tart or sour in the inside.
Don't just show the beautiful sides...show the bruises too.
There's my thoughts about apples today. Enjoy.
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