Life Exposed

Hello friends.  Well it's a Monday again.  I have to say this one wasn't too bad!  And I was expecting it to be nuts since it was a full moon last night.

There are some of you that are probably wondering "what's up with Emily lately?  Has she gone crazy?"  No, not crazy.  Just dealing with a lot.  But I feel like the only way I can clear this up is by writing it all out.  I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation I guess because those who are really concerned have asked and know what's going on, but I just need to write it out because at this point I'd just accept some prayers from anyone who is willing.

I've been battling anxiety for months.  It's something I can't explain.  That mixed with the depression that I've battled my entire life was so much last week to the point that it was crippling my ability to even function.  I had to get into the doctor one day last week because I had noticed that for a couple of weeks every time the anxiety hit me hard, I was getting shooting pain up both arms and a headache.  Probably 4 out of 7 days of the week I'm having headaches.  I'm tired all the time.  I just miss being able to normally function.  So, when I was put on something to help me last week, the first day I took it I was wiped out.  Luckily I had help from my mother-in-law because it hit me hard and I slept all morning.  So, I knew then that it wasn't going to work for me because I couldn't do my job if I was going to be so drowsy.  Anyway, I have another appt this week to try something new to help.  In the meantime, for the sake of my health and not wanting to have a heart attack at the age of 25, I have to rid some things from my life that are triggering this.  The reason I am even having to take anything at all is because the doctor said everything going on in my life right now isn't anything that can be ridded out at the moment.

My mom insisted that Justin and I go away for a day just to relax.  After pancake days on Saturday, we hopped in the car and went to Columbia for the night.  We wanted to try a new place to eat and were craving pizza so the highly recommended joint was "Shakespeare's" and it did NOT disappoint.  I'm afraid I'd be there all of the time if we lived close.  So great.  Just went back to our hotel room and ate it and watched tv and passed out by nine.  It was nice to not have to get up until we wanted to the next day.  That doesn't happen often!  I decided it would be a great idea to go to ihop for breakfast since they had pumpkin pancakes and boy were those great too!  I love to eat at places that I don't get to eat on a regular basis.

I also uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and removed messenger so I no longer have any notifications to my phone, nor can I get on facebook on my phone anymore or have messenger going off all the time.  It's actually been really nice.  I've also stopped checking emails and business messages late at night so I can actually have stress-free evenings.  I am going to stop scrolling through facebook as often so I can stop seeing stolen photos of mine as people are never going to stop doing it and this is stuff I can't let run my life.  I will also stop posting as much.  I was having such issues posting impulse statuses with my emotions.  And what I hate the most is that if I actually post something about my opinion, someone that doesn't know me or talk to me at all is always going to post something rude back.  And it's just not worth it.  I hate drama.  Friday when I was battling panic attacks, I was just at my wits end and posting relentlessly, so it was better just to rid it for now.

On the bright side, I just have to say how blessed I am for the friends and family that I have.  I have gone through a long road of friends and who will still be there after you have kids, etc., and I have to say I have a solid set of friends right now and it truly keeps me going.  Thank you THANK YOU friends, you know who you are.  Your texts and acts of kindness truly keep my going.  And talks from my parents and sister that truly understand where I'm at right now and accepting it and wanting to help me as much as I want to be fixed means so much.  These things all keep me trucking along.

Ultimately as my mom keeps telling me it's the ultimate Healer that can get me through this.  This is SO true.  Now, just like depression some people struggle with these things as a true chemical imbalance and something they just can't control.  I'm learning that it's not something to be ashamed of.  I keep telling myself this....

The one thing that I can keep on doing to keep my mind off of myself is to think of other people.  I want my friends to know how loved they are and I know that sometimes one simple thing can make someone else's day, and seeing someone else smile helps me smile.

I guess I don't really have much else to say.  This is just where I'm at right now.  It's a daily struggle for me not to give into satan's lies every day.  I feel like an awful person for even going through this in the first place.  I'm just ready to be back to being me.  Being able to enjoy every day we are given.  I'm getting there one step at a time.  In the meantime, if you have any prayers for me I'd totally accept them.  I know so many people are going through far more than I am right now.

If you read all of this, thanks.  I hope you don't think any less of me or think of me as crazy or weak.  I wouldn't write it all out if I didn't want to be surrounded by some prayer, because we all know that God is the only one who holds our lives in His hands.  He has plans for each and every one of us!

I have some pictures to share with you from life lately....

the weiner mobile was at our hotel!

petting zoo at pancake days

her bracelet I got her from red barn :)

Justin taking all the girls for a ride!

ihop pumpkin pancakes!

Life quote :)

Thanks to my sister-in-law I'm hooked on sushi! (one kind, deep fried, lol)

Quinn loves her auntie and cousin Landon

She sat on his face while he read an entire book to her

Sorry it's upside down, but uncle Trent got her to fall asleep during the parade at pancake days!

My sister sent me this pic while we were gone and I thought she was hugging a doll!  It's her cousin Landon, she is always kissing and hugging him!

I'm cool now with Vans 

Tried to capture the moon last night, instead got a cool pic of the stars!

My new wreath I made tonight

Hugs for Max, he's not so amused!