First off, holy cow. I didn't know that many people would give my blog the time of day. The amount of texts, messages and emails I received after this was posted (for the third time of deleting and re-posting) was amazing. I never knew so many people struggled and related with the exact same issues that I'm facing. I'm humbled, and I know that God pushed me to post that again so that people could read it. I don't know why, to me it was just a jumbled mess of negativity that I'm facing, but I have been thanked for being so transparent and so open and real with what's going on because others are going through the exact same thing and say they aren't as brave. Let me tell you, nobody, I mean nobody is alone in this and nobody should fight this battle alone. I wrote my last post last night and posted it around 9. A couple of people had read it before I went to bed and I figured I'd let it do it's thing through the night. I woke up this morning and briefly checked to see if anyone else had read and the number was still the same. Now, a person with anxiety and depression immediately feel like nobody cared to read it or I sounded super dumb. So I immediately took it down this morning around 7. Logically, that wasn't even enough time for anyone to have seen it. I was told to post it again so I did. I gave it 17 minutes and still felt stupid and removed it again. After a few other friends (that hadn't seen it but caught it the second time around) had read it and told me to post it again and give it some time, I finally did after much hesitation. You see, it's hard for people to see inside of my mind and heart and that post was all out there. I felt ashamed even after I wrote it. Feeling weak and alone.
Well, it must've been the time of the day to post that because I immediately started to receive private messages. All of which people were telling me stories of their own struggles with the same battle, or texts from my friends apologizing for not seeing my struggle. Listen, it's not anyone's fault for not seeing my struggles. Anxiety and depression can be super silent battles. As one person commented "it's exhausting acting happy all of the time" and it's so true. I am the best at doing that (putting on a happy face) at my job especially. I seriously appreciate each and every one of you that commented or messaged me and encouraged me. THAT'S what I need, and to feel like my writing is reaching at least one person is so awesome to me.
So, onto the reason I'm writing now. My mom asked me to go to a movie that she's been wanting to see that came to town. All I knew was that it was a christian movie. I told her I'd go with her and my dad was kind of relieved because that meant that he didn't have to go. haha. I had no idea what this was about, I was just looking forward to doing something with just my mom because I can't remember the last time we got to do something like this.
In my last blog I asked for any prayers that anyone was willing to give. You all must've gotten right on that. When I went to this movie that I knew nothing about, I never knew it would bless me and be just what I needed right at this moment. I feel like it's a must see for everyone. I'll buy it and loan it to everyone when it comes out. What I was struck with the most is how hard I'm fighting, but that I really haven't fully let go of these things to God. I'm still trying to fight the battle myself. And how much prayer time am I having? In this movie, this woman literally had a closet that was her "war room" which was like a prayer room. She wrote all of her prayers and dove into scripture writing those things down and hanging them in the closet for her to see. It also showed a lot of forgiveness and bitterness. Two things in my life that I need to work on. See, I have a lot in my past that I'm still holding onto, and it's not hurting anyone but myself. We aren't worthy to forgive but yet God forgives us and DIED for us. Bitterness comes from the devil and I don't want him to have a hold on me anymore. This one verse stuck out more than any other:
"Resist the devil and he will FLEE from you" James 4:7
I may have a chemical imbalance in my body that needs medication to balance out and that's okay, but that's not my entire issue. My other issue is that I'm holding onto things that I need to let go of. God will not forgive me if I won't forgive others, even if they didn't ask for it. I have a few letters I will be writing to people, even if I don't send them. I was flooded with a blanket of thankfulness to all of you praying for me. God led me to that movie tonight and it was an answer to prayer.
Now, hopefully we can figure out the rest of it with a bit of medication and I will NOT be ashamed of it. You don't need to be either, don't forget that. And you are not alone.
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Update:
Today I went back to the doctor. He is prescribing me another anxiety type medication that has many less side effects. I will start it tonight. Within our discussion today, he decided it would be best to take some blood work to test my thyroid and hormone levels to see if any of this is causing any of the anxiety/depression. If you know me, I'll do anything to get away from a needle. Despite that, I put on my big girl panties and persevered. Two needles pokes, 4 tubes of blood, ten minutes later, and feeling a little light headed it was done. Here's to getting some answers. I follow up next week.
I also wanted to share a few photos that I took of Quinn yesterday. Since I take pictures every day as a job, I rarely do it for pure enjoyment anymore. Everyone wants to clock out of their jobs, right? This is why I don't take my camera to events, etc because I would just like to enjoy the actual time there. Anyway, I decided I really needed to capture Quinn in her every day life in her raw form. Just doing what she does, nothing fancy. During the day she goes 1000 mph and we don't mess with clothes often when we are home. Judge all you want, but it's less mess and she's happy. Here below are some of Quinn just being Quinn.... Have a fabulous day everyone. And again, thank you for the continued prayers.
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| While trying to capture the eclipse the other night, I got a cool picture of the stars :) |
xoxo
Emily
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