I want you to know what a gift you are to me. It is so true when it is stated that the Lord knows exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it. When most couples get married, they think about their children and their future family together. We thought we were "ready" for you, but the moment I saw those lines, I was scared to death. My whole life had just changed and from that moment on, I was a mother. I was scared because I didn't know how to be a mother. If I would know what to do in certain situations. Your dad and I just assumed with the Buckallew genes that you would be a boy just like most of the others in the family. So imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech told us otherwise. When the monitor swept over where we were supposed to find out your gender, your dad said "I think I saw something!" And I knew at that moment he was wrong as I said "I think I DIDN'T see something!" The tech confirmed that you were a girl, and I couldn't help the tears from falling as I thought I'd never get a girl. I was perfectly happy if you were a boy and had mentally prepared myself for it, but a girl? Future scenarios flashed through my mind instantly. Bows, ruffles, cute outfits, mommy and daughter days? All fun times ahead.
The day you arrived was surreal. They told me you had a head full of hair and I couldn't help but laugh when you came out bald as ever. The moment they laid you on my chest I couldn't believe you were mine. In that moment, tears fell from both your dad and mine's faces. Your tiny fingers wrapped around ours and we melted. We wanted the world for you.
And so as we were home and you started to grow, I got more and more emotional. I'd rock you and spend so much time having deep conversations about how you needed to stop growing so quickly. You didn't listen because here you are, two years old next month.
I just want to tell you thank you. You made me a mother for the first time. You've truly taught me so much about life.
I see perfection in you every time I look at you. I can't tell you the countless times your dad and I just stare at you and just look at each other and say "she's so cute". Multiple times a day.
Your big brown eyes (that started out so blue) get me every time. They're accompanied by those extremely long black lashes that makes me think you may be a future mascara model ;)
Your genuine smile AND the cheesy one we get when we ask you to say "cheese" or smile.
Your laugh. It's so contagious. Truly the best music my ears have ever heard.
You still have those pouty pink lips that you had when you first arrived. The first thing my doctor pointed out about you.
I just want you to know these things. Every day you grow more and more beautiful to me, snuggling yourself a little deeper into my heart. I will never take you for granted.
I know you will only continue to grow into more of an amazing, beautiful, talented and free-spirited little soul. I want you to be able to come back and read this, just in case you ever feel like you're anything less than this.
Most of all I want to thank you. You have no idea how much you help me through each day. I'm sorry you've had to see me at my worst. Struggling with my depression when all I want is to be a happy mommy for you. I'm sorry for the moments I didn't play on the floor with you but you snuggled up and gave me hugs and kisses anyway. You keep me going. You pull me out. You encourage me to be my best for you and your dad, and you're not even two.
I have so many dreams for you and I don't want you to ever lose that smile in this harsh world. If I do nothing else right with being a mother, there is one thing I don't want to fail at. I want you to grow to love Jesus, and be a follower and a light for Him. You will do so many great things in this life, I know it. Tonight we were talking about Jesus together and nothing made me more proud than to hear your little voice say "Jesus".
I want you to see the love your daddy has for me and know that there's someone hand-picked by God for you as well. Wait for it. One that treats you just like your daddy treats us, his girls. We are very blessed.
I will always love you. I will always fight for you, and I will always be here for you. I want you to feel like you can always come to me for anything. I'll always be here for you.
Thank you for your endless hugs, kisses and "I love you"'s. You changed my world completely for the better and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I love you,
Mommy
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