You guys I don't even know where to start since it's been so long. All I know is that I needed to write, mostly for myself.
Lately, my family has probably gone through one of the roughest times that we've had to since we've been married. I think you all know from my last post a long time ago that I was dealing majorly with my depression and I ended up having to go on medication. Ever since I started it I wanted to be off of it. Just some of the side effects from being on it, etc. However, it did help. I made the choice to go off of it a couple of months ago and little did I know, the one that I was on is undoubtedly the toughest one to get off of--go figure. AND, the doctors said I was reacting worse than most to the "withdraws". There were days I couldn't even hardly function because I was so dizzy and nauseous. And that lasted for probably two weeks straight. Once that finally got out of my system, a side effect or "withdraw" that I wasn't expecting came on. Weight. And rapidly. I wasn't expecting that at all. I started working out more and eating more healthy and it just kept coming on, more and more and more. And, with that my anxiety and depression came back in full force. 15 pounds probably within a months time came on without any control of mine, and it still hasn't leveled out no matter what I do. I'm struggling with it a lot. Sweats and yoga pants are pretty much what I can fit into at this point....
So with all of that going on, we suffered a huge blow to our family almost two weeks ago. Justin lost his job. The job that we knew God sent him to. One he loved, one he was good at, and one that had benefits to support our whole family. We told everyone it's where we finally thought he would be long term. Well, under circumstances that nobody would see as "fair" he is no longer there. I'm still not over it, and I still wake up every morning feeling like I'm waking up from a bad dream, that this will all just go away. Why would God give us a taste of something and then rip it away? What are we supposed to do now with insurance? I was planning to scale back on my work some since Justin's was doing so well and I felt like I could. Now I have to scale forward? Why would these people be so heartless to rip this away from our family? These are all questions we have had. And let me tell you, I've never seen my husband so broken. The night he came home after losing the job we just fell apart in each other's arms and cried. We honestly don't know where to go or what at this point, but I know this is a testing time of our family. A chance to grow--closer together and to God. A chance to TRUST. Do you know how hard this is? Not knowing what's going to happen next? I've been drawn to so many encouraging verses lately and this is the one that I've stuck with:
The Lord will FIGHT for you; you need only BE STILL--Exodus 14:14
If there's one thing I keep reading over and over is that we won't always understand our circumstances but God knows best. He is protecting us from something, we just can't see it right now. We are still having a hard time with this, but I have no doubt God will grow us through this. But we would appreciate prayer during this time. Let me just say something though, and I think anyone that truly knows my husband would agree. This guy works hard. He has given his all at every job he's been at. He is kind-hearted and loves the Lord and always tries to do the right thing. I know God has big plans for Him.
So with all of this (I feel like I'm making it sound like everything has been great around here despite the circumstances but this is not true), my depression came back in full swing and I knew for the sake of my family I had to see the doctor again. I didn't want to, but not doing so would just be selfish on my part. I can't feel weak in this, as it's nothing that I can control. Anyone that has not personally dealt with this or lived with someone who has just has no clue. I got put on something else again, something not as strong that hopefully wouldn't be too hard to come off of again and so far it honestly hasn't helped tons, but I really hope I get leveled out soon because during this time it's been hard to fully see what my purpose is. I had a fight with the scale, and I won....because it died....when I threw it down the stairs. I can't let it control me because right now I have to focus on getting better. My life and worth doesn't revolve around that stupid thing. Sure, I'm sure people have looked at me and thought "she's gained some weight lately", but if they only knew the story behind it. I don't like to look at myself, I hardly even put make-up on anymore simply because I don't see the point unless it's Sunday. But I know my main reason to keep moving forward each day and she's only a couple feet tall. She gives me hugs and kisses when I'm down and giggles and dances to make me laugh. Sure, she's super ornery and tests my patience, but this little girl looks up to me. She relies on me. And the way I see myself is the way she's going to learn to see herself. My mom never really says anything nice about herself either even though she's a beautiful person (sorry for calling you out mom), but I'm sure that may be where I get a slight bit of it. Children feed off of what they see. I am learning that even though I don't see myself as beautiful at this moment, she does. She thinks I'm the best person ever, I'm her mommy. And so this girl is my total reason to be better. I really wanted some mother/daughter pictures for mother's day. I almost didn't do it because I didn't have enough confidence to do it, but I told myself to get over that real quick because my daughter will never be this small again. These are memories for her to have.
And so we did it tonight. I did get my wisdom teeth out on Monday and I still can't smile because my jaw hurts, but I told Justin I just wanted him to catch some candid moments. She's not at the age where she will sit and smile, but she will interact with you and those are the moments I wanted. And I'm going to share these with you below.
So, we are at a road of learning to cling tightly to God, which we should always be doing. I'm personally learning my worth is not on the outside or on the scale....and things WILL get better. I love my sweet husband and baby.
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