I can't really explain the devastation of that. And all that you have to go through before its really "over". I don't remember where I really left off last time. All I know is that within that time, I had to travel to Columbia at least once a week to get my blood drawn to make sure my levels were going down. And the reason this is so important is because if they do not go down, you either have to take the medicine again or go for a D & C, which is NOT what I wanted at all. Each time my levels had gone down, but it seemed like such a long process.
During this time I think I mentioned that when we first found out we miscarried, I didn't get to see my own doctor because she was out. When it also came time to do the medication, my doctor was out again and the other doctor that I saw was the one that gave me all of the details. From there, nobody had really told us anything to stay away from, abstain, etc. We were running blind as we hadn't done this before.
Once it finally came time to have a followup with MY doctor, I had to give blood again. We'd been having them do STAT results so that I could get the results the same day and avoid multiple trips. Something was "off" and I felt it.
I waited as she came in the room and she expressed how sorry she was that this happened. She also said she was happy to see my numbers coming down. But I knew otherwise. I asked her if she knew for sure they were coming down instead of going up. She said "well have you guys abstained?" and I answered with no, not knowing that was a rule. I had kind of gotten her concerned at that point. From there she mentioned that she'd have to see me again in another week to make sure what was going on. And she said that if my numbers didn't go down significantly, I may have to take the medication again. Which is the last thing that I wanted to do. And if they kept rising, we'd do an ultrasound to see what was going on with the possibility of a new pregnancy. However, it was also risky for it to happen before my levels had gone down completely so there was a slightly higher risk of another miscarriage.
Let me explain to you that Justin and I had decided we were going to wait awhile to do this again. It was a pretty big heartbreak that we needed to heal from and I didn't want to do it again anytime soon. You could also say that I was naive to think that my body wasn't acting "regular" at that point, not that I was being careless.
One week later I returned to the doctor where they first did an ultrasound. It was almost like watching it all over again. Yet again another ultrasound that had a "sac" but no baby yet. There was also another little collection of fluid. The ultrasound tech--whom I've grown to love because she is amazing. She said my doctor would probably have me come back again to do another one to see if this is viable. She said the second fluid collection could be a second sac or just a fluid collection that would absorb. When we got to see my doctor again, she said my numbers had gone up significantly. She wanted to have me come back in two weeks to make sure the pregnancy was viable. She even mentioned the word "twins" with the significant numbers I was showing. I could've fainted at that point. I was definitely pregnant again but didn't have my hopes up yet as I hadn't seen a baby or heartbeat yet.
I went back and started out with another ultrasound. My sister went with me the time before and went with me again this time. I was so nervous for what I'd see. Would there be a baby there? Would there be two? Was everything okay?
I walked in and had my amazing ultrasound tech--I called to request and made sure I had her again. I was shaking to badly my sister actually had to hold my legs. She immediately found the baby. A huge sigh of relief, AND found the heartbeat! She even said if we had come one day earlier we wouldn't have seen the heartbeat. I was measuring at 6 weeks exactly.
Once I saw my doctor again, she wanted me back again in two weeks just to make sure everything was still looking good.
We went back again on Sept 26th. Justin went with me this time. Praise the Lord everything was looking great and I was measuring right on track. One day shy of 8 weeks. And we heard the heartbeat! My doctor gave me my info packet that day and then I had to go get 5 tubes of blood taken. Finally happy this was for a joyous reason and not just to check levels. It was still hard to get excited or my hopes up--actually for either of us. But still exciting all at once. We did decide we wanted to hold onto the secret for awhile this time to avoid more hurt. We just weren't ready to tell.
I'm writing this part as I'm 14.5 weeks along. Our plan is to tell my extended family next Saturday, November 18th, because it's the next time we will all be together and telling in person is just so much more fun! We will tell Quinn she's going to be a big sister just a day or two before that. Because anyone who knows Quinn, knows that the world would've known way sooner than we were ready for them to because that girl can TALK. Once they know, we will decide when I'm ready to post this for the world to see. It's getting much harder to hide AND, I am needing to start telling my clients as it will affect many of them also having babies or hitting milestones when I'm going to be off for awhile. Keep reading though and please know where my heart lies. The reason that I'm posting a blog and writing from the heart rather than just posting a picture.
Right now there are A LOT of announcements going up. Through my own share of grief, and even the short time in between that I wasn't pregnant, I experienced the pain. I experienced the punch in my gut whenever March announcements went up. Still, I watch as those people find out the gender of their children and I'm left to wonder what mine would've been. I am over the MOON for these people. What a precious gift from the Lord each child is! Ours was too, even if only for a moment. I've learned a lot through this. The biggest thing I've learned is how naive I was the first time around. We had no trouble getting pregnant and had a healthy pregnancy. No miscarriage or infertility the first time around. Still, this time although we have never felt the pain of infertility ourselves, I can see it through the eyes of others. I have so MANY dear dear friends in my life, even those that aren't as close to me that I've watched suffer with infertility. That struggle and pain is REAL! I've also watched as many others have also suffered losses. And many more than one! My heart hurts for each person. I was so afraid when I first found out I was pregnant this time. So afraid that I'd hurt someone else through our joy. I long so badly for each of those people to experience this gift if it be the Lord's will to. And I wanted to write a blog post to share my heart and tell you I see you. I see your hurt. I see your fears. I also want to say I know that gut punch feeling when an announcement goes up. Not because you're a horrible person, but because you LONG for it and wish it were you!
Please also remember genuine kindness to everyone. It is only through this experience and being with so many close friends struggling with losses and infertility that I finally know how to act. Sensitivity is so key. See a couple that's been married more than a couple of years and have that itch to ask "so when are you guys starting a family?" See that family that has one child over a year old and have the urge to say "it's time for another one!" ? I did. Friends, please know how personal these journeys are. It is so crucial that we refrain from asking those questions although they may not be hurtful to some, they are hurtful to many more than you might think. So many are going through battles that we don't know about. And so many don't talk about it. I realize I'm being so open and honest about my own experience, but many aren't. And many suffer alone. Just remember, you are not alone!
With this being said, we would like to let everyone know that God has sent us a blessing and we are due with our baby on May 9th, 2018. We are so thankful. We would appreciate any prayers moving forward!
The term "Rainbow Baby" means a lot to me. The term rainbow baby is a baby that is born following miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope. A rainbow baby brings light and joy but by no means replaces the angel baby. We will always remember the one we lost and know that he/she is with Jesus. We are joyful in the news of our Rainbow Baby coming in May!
In the photo below, that day was quite interesting. I was so excited to get rainbow balloons. With that day being so cold and windy, the green, blue and purple balloons all popped before we even got a picture! The hormones in me had me all kinds of upset. But I made it work. If you notice any imperfections about this photo--sorry :)
--Finishing this post up now being 15.5 weeks, we told Quinn the news last night (Thursday). She is just over the moon. We made her a shirt that says "Big Sister" and I told her what it says. She went around the entire night saying, "I love my sissy!" Yes, she is adamant this is a girl. She's refusing to believe that it could be anything but that. She's been so sweet and excited. We even let her listen to the heartbeat with the doppler. She's going to be such a great big sister and such a big help. Quinn and I will both wear our shirts tomorrow. Her big sister shirt and my "Thankful and Blessed" with baby feet shirt. I'm just going to let her show my family her shirt tomorrow and tell them. We will see how it goes :)
Through all of this I've just been grateful for the Lord's timing. I am a "planner" and thought I knew which month was the best timing for our schedules and my "busy season". God had other plans! And His plans are greater than we can ever imagine!
If you've endured this long post and gotten to the end, thank you. I'd prefer if people took a moment to read where my heart lies.
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