I should start by saying to those who don't know, that my Grandma Findling went to be with the Lord on Labor Day, Sept 4th. One week ago today. In the very last days, all of us were praying for God to take her, not because anyone was ready to lose her, but because she was suffering in horrible pain. That in itself is something I hope and pray that none of you have to watch in your lifetime. And if you have, I'm so sorry. My mom never once left her side in those very last days. She struggled to even use the restroom in thoughts that something may happen in the few moments that she was gone. My sister and I stayed one evening to offer my mom sleep, which she desperately needed. She hadn't slept in two days at that point. But she still closed her eyes and woke every five minutes to make sure things were still okay. We stayed until about 5am before heading home that night. I'm positive that she wasn't anymore well rested than when we were first there. But we were there.
The next evening they made the decision to transport grandma to the hospital. They couldn't keep up with maintaining pain medications even on hospice--which ended up to not being anything we'd ever expected it to be. This took just a tiny ounce of pressure off of my mom and her sister. Knowing that she would be somewhere where she could be closely monitored. I should mention that I hadn't heard grandma talk since the Thursday before. I truly know now looking back that you never know when the last hug, laugh, or "I love you" will take place. So embrace it.
The week before that on Wednesday I had decided to go over and see grandma after Quinn's dance class. Justin was going to take Quinn home so I could spend time with her. I should've known that I couldn't show up without Quinn with me, though. They all wanted to see her! So Justin brought her over there and Quinn danced and twirled in her dance outfit and grandma really enjoyed that. I had even gotten her to laugh that evening and man had it been a long time since I'd heard that. It was a weak one of course but still the same. We enjoyed sitting on the porch. She didn't say a whole lot but was awake the whole time that evening and more alert.
The next evening I had stopped by to see her after supper with a dear friend. She wasn't very alert that evening and didn't really open her eyes when I arrived. She was enjoying sitting outside though. My sister also stopped by for a quick bit while she could. Then mom and Cindy took her on her nightly evening ride out to the lake to look at deer and of course to get ice cream. They did this religiously every evening. I rode in the back, which wasn't the smartest idea since I get carsick, and even more so since there was no airflow since grandma was cold, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless. Grandma didn't open her eyes much but did see the deer here and there along the way. The one thing she spoke up and said in that car ride was "why am I not eating ice cream?" The woman enjoyed her ice cream more than life itself :). After the ice cream, they dropped me back off to my car where I got a hug and "I love you" from Grandma. I didn't know that was the last I'd ever get. But unfortunately it was. That evening they got her into the hospital bed that was delivered to the house and there she had her last meal and was pretty unresponsive, besides letting them know when she had pain, from there on out.
We were at the hospital with them most of Sunday evening until we decided to head home. Monday evening we spent some time with my Grandpa and Grandma Tharp and once I showered and got to bed that evening I got the call from dad that Grandma had passed. I was relieved to know she was no longer in pain, but at the same time I fell apart once I hung up. My husband held me as I cried, and then I picked myself up and went to the hospital to be with my mom. My sister and I drove my mom home that evening so she could get her first sleep in four days. I don't know how she even made it.
The visitation was scheduled for Thursday evening and the funeral for Friday. None of it seemed real. I'd only gone through this once before, for my Grandpa--her husband almost ten years ago. Right before the visitation at around 3:40pm, I got a call from my husband, which I missed. Then I got a text saying "I got in a wreck, I'm in the cop car I'll call you later". Well of course I immediately text him freaking out. He said he was fine. That a semi hauling a bulldozer crossed the center line and the blade of the bulldozer caught the front of the van and swiped it all the way to the back. And besides a few glass shards pulled out of his arms and face, he walked away untouched by the grace of God. My dad said that if that semi had been 6 inches closer I wouldn't have a husband anymore. Talk about gut wrenching. And the semi kept on driving because it didn't even know it had hit him. The state trooper was luckily semi close behind Justin and made sure he was okay and then went to stop the semi. Just another glimpse into how life can be over in just an instant.
With all of that happening, my sister ended up picking up Quinn for me from the sitter and we had to take her to the funeral home with us until Justin's parents could get there to pick her up. I wasn't prepared to explain what happened to great grandma to her. She had just seen her the other night. And the night before she had prayed for her to get better. Before we went in, we explained to her that great grandma was very sick (which she knew) but she didn't get better. And now she's in heaven where she is a lot better! Once we walked in, I tried to keep her in the back but that didn't work because she's three. She saw grandma lying there in the casket and she asked if she was sleeping. And then she asked if this was heaven! (because she's in heaven and there's her body). Such a tough concept for a three year old. And then she asked if they were playing that music so she could sleep. We eventually just ended up taking her outside. Where people started to show up early, around 530. There was an abundance of people. I had close friends show up for me, as well as some unexpected. It meant the world to me. Being present will always mean huge things to me. The day before, my best friend Megan set aside her day and drove three hours here and back just to spend the day with me because she knew I needed it. And the night of the visitation, my friend Bekka drove two hours there and back just to see my briefly and be present. That will mean more than she will ever know. Some of my in-laws, people from my church, extended family and other friends showed up as well. I can never thank any of you enough for setting aside time to be there. Its HUGE to me! I also had 4 flower arrangements/gifts sent to the funeral home to me personally from friends/family that who were far away and couldn't make it. And my friend Kim personally delivered me some flowers and cookies! I know I'm missing things that were done, but please know, all of you, I will never forget who showed up. I will never forget who checked on me. I won't. It's all about being there for one another. And you better believe I'll be there for each and every one of you too.
Grandma had a beautiful funeral the next day and we made it through. It was very rough. There's really nothing like feeling so vulnerable with being off to the left of the crowd feeling like everyone is watching you fall apart. Before the funeral started, I was approached by not one, not two but THREE different ladies commenting to me about how I look JUST like my grandma when she was young. Although I'd heard it a few times before, I was both proud and my heart hurt all at once to hear it that day. I will gladly accept looking like her! Once that part was over and things became quiet, they became so real. I no longer have any grandparents on one side. All we have are memories now, and I am so thankful for those.
One of the hardest parts of all of this was finagling my work. That whole week all I wanted to do was first off, be with my family and then secondly just fall apart and take time to grieve. Unfortunately with owning your own business you can't just "take off" or get bereavement days. I had to only reschedule two shoots, thank goodness and those people were very gracious and understanding. Most people in general that were waiting on orders or photos to be edited were so wonderful to me. I have some amazing and kind clients in my life. There were also those who were not, which was so hard. Even having to answer to people on the day of the funeral, but that just comes with it I guess.
Now that things are quiet and we are supposed to resume life as normal, I have a hard time with just moving forward so quickly. Most do not know what the past two months have been like--especially for my mom and her sister, and I pray that you never will know. But its hard to just "get on with life" as people think you should. It is all going to take some time. Sure, we have to get on with doing life's regular demands. But its only by God's grace we can move forward and know that there are joyful days ahead.
Life can be so full of disappointment. I've found that out with those that we expect to be there during the hard times and they're not. I can sit here and focus on THAT, or I can choose to be thankful for those that were. All I'm learning is that I cannot let it change ME. I am that person that is there, despite how I've been treated. I don't want that to change. It just makes me more aware for when this happens to someone else, how I should be there. My only advice to anyone reading is BE PRESENT. Yep, texts, emails, messages are awesome. And when you're far away that's what you've got to work with and that's wonderful! But let's not get so wrapped up in our own lives and being "busy" that we forget to be PRESENT. Turn off your phone and be with your family. Let the laundry wait and play with your kids, meet with a friend or go see your family. CALL someone if you're far away! I know life has so many demands that its hard to keep up. But you don't know when your last day is or a loved one. Don't regret it when they're gone. My husband was almost gone.
I may not be fully "me" right now with the storm that I'm in lately, but I'm thankful I have a few friends willing to hold an umbrella for me until it passes. You know who you are, and you mean more to me than you'll ever know.
Here's to you Grandma. I know that you're reunited with Grandpa in Heaven and you are whole again, marveling at our Creator. I can't wait for that day. Please hold my precious baby just as I asked you to until I can get there! You better believe anytime I eat ice cream, hear "How Great Thou Art", see deer at the lake or see a blue taurus I'll be thinking of you. I'm so thankful you got to hear every one of my "daughter of delight" devotionals that I wrote and maybe that's just the reason God chose me to do it!
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| Quinn was in awe of sweet baby Oakley at cousin Makenzie's party on Saturday! She even got to hold her |
Praying for you. One day at a time. Excellent post. You made me leak some water out my eyes. Take care of yourself.
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