I have wanted to write for months. Finding time however has been a struggle. I literally go to sleep thinking about things I want to say, drive in the car thinking about things I want to say....but never get time to actually write it out. Once I actually sit at the computer then I just end up rambling and not actually getting the thoughts out that I intended. #mombrain.
I have SO many things to be doing right now--this should really be the last thing on my list. However, I feel a tug from the Lord that I need to write it out. After all, this is the gift God has given me to use. Writing and encouragement. Talk to me to my face and there's no way that I can express exactly what I'd like to say like I can with writing. That's always been me. I used to write my parents notes and they used to get onto me for not saying it to their face. I've just always had to write it out. To me, its no less heartfelt. Just my way of expressing myself. I feel is has a lot to do with my self-confidence always being low and suffering in that area. When I write, I don't have to see faces and feel like I'm being judged. Now once I post I'll think....and overthink and think some more about what people thought of my words. Hey its just me! I'm learning to accept myself exactly how I am--finally.
Ya'll. This has been a week for the books. I'm reminded constantly in my freak out modes this week that my little tiny trials are trivial and nothing is life threatening. Alas, don't we all have overwhelming weeks where thoughts and feelings completely take over and sometimes---okay, a lot for me, we tend to seek God not in the order that He should be sought out. You know, FIRST! I continue to pretend I'm superwoman and can do it all without anyone's help. Because asking for help is a sign of weakness. At least that's what the tiny voice in my head has always told me.
I could list each thing about my week that has not gone as planned. Little things that have crushed my spirit completely. Made me feel completely defeated. But that's not the purpose of this post. You see, I'll tell you a few things I've learned through it so far...
Number 1: Not everyone has your best interest at heart. I tend to post my feelings on social media. A struggle, yes. There's actually A LOT that I don't post, but in the midst of feeling completely defeated, I post simply because I'm looking for someone to reach out and build me back up. I don't know if any of you can relate. Again, being transparent here and its not something I love to admit. But I guarantee you there's a few of you out there that do the same. Its not a horrible thing. Encouragement is necessary and ESPECIALLY from the ones who love you completely just as you are. But we all have a handful of those in our lives that sometimes just care to know WHAT happened rather that caring about what they can do for you or how they can pray for you. I believe I've even been guilty of doing this a couple of times in my life. Now there are those that could really care less, and that's fine. But there are those that really just want to "know" and those that truly and deeply care about your well-being. FIND THOSE PEOPLE AND LOVE THEM. The others, just guard your heart. I try so hard to not be that person that spreads my negativity of all that's going wrong to everyone. Don't get me wrong, to the right people this is necessary. You can't completely bottle things up to the point you will explode. But watch who you vent to. And nobody likes a constant debbie downer. But the main moral here is that our worth is not found in people, but yet in the Lord. I struggle so hard with this. A quote from Lysa Terkeurst (seriously love this woman) put it all in perspective for me today.
"The more we fill ourselves with God's truth, the less we need validation from others. Don't get me wrong. Validation from others can be a wonderful, beautiful thing. But if our need of it makes us develop unrealistic expectations, we'll exhaust our relationships. There are some deep soul needs that can only be met by God alone".
SO. STINKING. TRUE. Encouragement from friends is vital. Its my love language and spiritual gift all in one hence why its a need for me. But seek the Lord FIRST, because He's the only one that can fill the soul the way it needs to be filled.
NUMBER 2: Satan attacks when something good is happening. He hates it and he worms his way into our thoughts. Friends, I started a new bible study this week called "Breathe" by Priscilla Shirer. I've only watched the video and gotten into like 2-4 pages of this study so far for this week, but ladies this is totally hitting the nail on the head with exactly where I'm at right now. I feel a huge weight on my chest most days. I feel like life has completely overtaken me. I have constantly begged my husband to somehow figure out how to give me some sort of a break, a nap, something. Since Brynlee has been born (actually before) about seven months ago there has not been a time that I haven't been working or been without children. Its a hard stage of life and I STILL have not gotten the swing of things with two kids. I wing it completely. That's motherhood, am I right? Can you relate? My husband works two jobs. He's out the door before 5 each morning to load trucks for UPS and then heads to Preferred from 9-5 with no lunch break ever to complete his 40 hours per week. Then he picks up our oldest and by the time they get home along with Brynlee and I after I pick her up, its supper, baths and kiddos in bed by 7. And we are not far behind that. Its each day this way. Shout out to him for giving his all for us, working so insanely hard for us to provide. He doesn't get near enough credit for it. Thankful for having someone to work as a team with me. But seriously....weekdays are draining. Then I work weekends.
Here's the one quote that has stuck with me all week: "Are we so comfortable with exhaustion that we can't enjoy a break when it's thrust upon us?"
You see, I don't know if you're like me, but I feel guilty when I sit and there's things to be done. Not that I'm given many opportunities, but maybe I'm just filling those opportunities with things that can wait. The dishes, the editing, the laundry....
Tuesday I had actually gotten "semi" caught up on work and I'm like "hey, by Thursday (my next work day) I should have this stuff caught up just in time for Christmas minis Sunday!" Like, what do I even do with myself?? The house even got cleaned and even the floors vacuumed--say WHAAAAT?! I was feeling good. I should have known....
Fast forward to Wednesday being rough for both Brynlee and I and then to today when the babysitter gets sick and I'm frantically calling and texting around because I have a shoot that's already been rescheduled once. Thank you so much for the servant's heart of my sister who NEVER hesitates to lend a helping hand when its needed. She even made me stinkin' cookies last night! What a saint.
Moral of the story, Satan has filled ALL of those gaps this week and I find myself feeling completely defeated, emotionally AND physically exhausted from lack of sleep and I'm struggling to find that tiny little gap where a break of rest can fit. Satan is so happy by this. I wasn't going to write this blog and he ALWAYS attacks at me after I post, but I know that this tiny little gap today needed to be filled with writing this and letting the other things that need to be done, wait. Mostly because I find peace in writing and because I'm hoping it can benefit someone else who may be feeling this same exact way right now. Again, satan attacks when good is being done. Do NOT let him have a foothold or everything with spiral. I had to take a breath today and let Jesus take the wheel or satan would've just continued to run with my week.
I know this doesn't seem like "rest" but the one thing I have been doing for the past 6 months has been doing my workouts. Its to the point that its necessary for me and my mood depends on it. I feel it on the days it doesn't happen. Its the one thing I choose to make a priority for ME (and try not to feel bad about it) and thankfully my family supports me completely in it. My daughter on the way to school yesterday even said "Mommy, did you get your workout done this morning?". Bless her little soul. I love that she's seeing that its a good thing to be healthy. I finally reached the goal weight that I have pushed myself so hard to achieve and it feels awesome. 24 pounds less and I can't even tell you not only how much better physically I feel, but overall mentally and the confidence in myself and knowing I am capable of achieving whatever I put my mind too is so worth it. Find the thing that fills your soul and cup and DO IT. Don't feel guilty one bit. We can't pour from an empty cup. This leads me to my last point...
NUMBER 3: We cannot be perfect. Since starting my weightloss journey, I've been so motivated. Sure, in the beginning when I was working so hard and losing no weight at all, I felt pretty dang defeated. But I kept going. I stuck with it. And you know what? It finally started working. Most definitely not overnight. my weight came off sloooooooow, like a turtle at a marathon. But now seeing results I just stay so motivated to see what my body is capable of. Not to lose more weight, but to keep being healthy and toning up.
When weeks like this hit and I'm off nutritionally and there are days where a workout just can't happen because the baby won't let me put her down, or rest is more important or work overtakes--I am so brutal to myself. I instantly think that I'm losing all of my progress by missing one day. Listen here ya'll, you're not superwoman and life happens. There will be days and weeks that it just doesn't all happen as planned. The worst thing to do is to beat yourself up. This is when I'm super thankful for my tribe of ladies in our fitness group (a group of moms lead by our coach, Holly Lewellen just being real and trying to be the best version of ourselves) to encourage me to know that its OKAY. I have come so far and it won't be lost in just a few days. I'm doing the best I can and I want to encourage you that YOU are doing the best YOU can. If your family is fed, clothed and breathing--you're doing great. Some days are not going to feel that way. If the kids have a peanut butter sandwich for supper, I guarantee you that they are happier with this than fish and broccoli! So let those thoughts sink in, put one foot in front of the other, PRAY to the Lord to renew your spirit and press on. There's only one you, so just continue each day to be the best version of yourself.
Phew. Again I feel as though that a lot of rambling, but there's my thoughts. I hope it reached or encouraged you in some sort of way. I appreciate you reading and please feel free to share if you feel like anyone else needs it. I appreciate each and every one of you that are in my life!
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