I'm ready to jump in with both feet with this blog. I want my first legit entry to be about something that I struggle with. I struggle with insecurity. Yes, me. To anyone who doesn't know me on a day-to-day basis, you may think that I'm a confident person. In the pictures I post when I get dressed up, I've been told that I'm always camera ready and can't take a bad picture. Well, what you don't know is that behind every picture is a girl that struggles so much with seeing herself as beautiful. Some of you are rolling your eyes right now I'm sure. I've been told more times than I can count how beautiful I am, so WHY do I struggle with it? I really can't be sure. It's always been a struggle of mine. Why can't I look more like this person, or why can't I be tan with whiter teeth? If I was just skinnier people would love me more. I struggle with my self worth. I get nervous every time I go in public, wondering if people are talking about me or what they think of me. When I go to the gym, I feel insecure because I may not be as "fit" as other people or be able to do as much. This is an area that God is working on in me, my friends. And here's a great verse that I always think of.
1 Samuel 16:7- God looks at your Heart
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
You see? God knows that I'm beautiful, but he looks at my HEART. Everyone on this earth looks at outer beauty, and to be honest, a lot of people do the things they do as far as outer beauty simply because they want the approval of others. I do. Now, I have to say, there's absolutely nothing wrong in my eyes with getting dolled up. I LOVE IT. Every chance I have to get dolled up, I will and I normally go all out with it. It's something that I just enjoy, putting outfits together, playing with my hair, etc. It's great. But what I need to know is that in the midst of all of that, I need to make sure that my inside looks beautiful to God. I have no confidence, people, but I'm working on it....and now I'm going to share when I was at my rock bottom with insecurity.
All through High School I was always small. About 115 lbs and size 2. Still, at that time I didn't see myself as small (back to the insecurity thing), but I know this is something most girls struggle with. When I got married I was still that same size. Within the first year of marriage with being so busy with work and being an adult and having to cook meals, etc. I have to say I let myself go. It was easier to cook meals out of a box, or throw in a pizza when I didn't have time to cook anything else. I wasn't active at all like I was in High School or college. Well, I never thought that I'd gain weight. But, I was wrong, very wrong. I started to see things not fitting at all, having to get larger sizes and started wearing shirts that were "flowy" so nobody could see the weight I had gained. At the end of 2011, around Oct. or Nov. I could really see it when people would post pictures of me. My face got huge, which, if you're a Tharp, you know that it's the first place it goes! :) I hit my rock bottom with feeling insecure. I had gained so much weight and got really depressed about that (I'll post another post about that some other time). I really saw myself as ugly and fat and didn't want ANY pictures taken or posted of me. In fact if they were, I'd delete them or untag myself. Christmas that year when pictures were taken of me was the worst. In fact, here's two of them. They're still hard to look at for me.
I know, I've heard it a thousand times. "You don't look big, Emily". But anyone knows when they've gained weight and I can really see it here. For some reason around that time I had a visit with my regular doctor where they weighed me. I had gained about 20 pounds and was about 140 by then. (I know, roll of the eyes again. It's NOT a heavy weight, but it wasn't normal for MY body) My doctor told me that it wasn't really healthy and according to the charts I needed to be about 115-120. I was devastated, about to tears that someone had really told me I was pretty much fat. Well, nobody else would do it to my face so as much as it hurt, it's what I needed to hear from my doctor. Well, I had had enough. I wasn't going to feel this way anymore. In January of 2012 I made a New Year's Resolution. I was going to lose 20 pounds and get healthy. And I really did. I went all out. I didn't eat fast food, I only cooked/ate healthy food and I worked out, I worked out hard. I got back to going to the YMCA. I started out using the elliptical machine and then ventured into trying out some of their classes. I got into zumba and loved it. Then I even ventured into trying spinning--I loved it too! Then I would go from one class to the other in a row. I just kept on going with it and I was feeling awesome!! In about three months I had lost ten pounds. Now, the lighter I got, the harder it was to lose weight. I was loving the feeling though. Then I started to take up jogging. I used to hate jogging but as soon as I started, I loved it! I even did two 5k's. My "official" one, shown below which was the Twilight Run last July. I kept
There's my journey thus far. I'm still at it a year and a half later! I've never been able to stick with a New Year's Resolution, so I'm proud of myself for that one :)
Have a great weekend!
This is a great post emily! I feel like it was something I needed to hear and very inspiring.
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