Today is Hard

Today is a hard day.  I don't even know where to start.  But today I cannot focus.  It seems to be the day where my computer likes to take forever to things and not work correctly when I need to get things done.  But, the bottom line is, I'm not okay.  I am admitting it.

I haven't even written about grandpa yet.  Well, as I refer to him as grandpa, please note that this is Justin's grandpa that I am speaking of.  Ever since I lost my Grandpa Findling in 2008 though, there is a void that needed to be filled.  Now, nobody can replace my grandpa or fully fill that void, but when Justin came into my life, I met this man that's so important to him.  The person that he talks about on a daily basis, the one that he always has stories to tell about, the one that helped raise him and made him into the man he is today.  I gained another grandpa when I met Justin.  Justin told me from the beginning that grandpa loved me.  He had a few other girls in and out of his life and grandpa didn't care much for them, but he reacted to me in a totally different way.  That means a lot.  This man is a very very special man.  I wish I could explain more how much this man means to my husband.  He taught him so many things and has always been there to help him.  He taught him so many life lessons and I truly believe that my husband is so gentle, kind and hardworking mostly because of what he has learned from his grandpa.  This comes to my mind when Justin told me this and continues to tell me this.  I have to admit, sometimes I question why Justin drops everything sometimes to help people when sometimes people don't care to be the same way towards us.  His response is what he said that his grandpa has always told him.  "Family helps family."  That's it, nothing more to it.  I completely understand it now.

Now that you know how important he is to us, I have to tell you that he is not well.  How many times have the doctor's said he isn't going to make it 6 months or a year?  Plenty.  Even back in Justin's junior year of High School, he had heart attacks.  He even died once.  This man has lived on only 20% (I think) of his heart for years.  He was supposed to not be here a long time ago.  When I was introduced about 4 1/2 years ago, he had so much life in him.  He was a heavy smoker then and always had to be doing something.  He couldn't stand sitting still.  Things had to be done.  Here is one of my first and favorite memories of him to your left.  I was invited by the family to go to a reunion on Grandpa's side of the family.  These people that we went to visit had a pony and a little carriage.  Grandpa wanted to take me on a ride.  This picture shows you just how much fun that was.  They have this picture in a frame at their house.

We wondered if he would make it to our wedding.  It was so important to have him there.  Well, as you can see, he made it.  Both he and grandma did.  It was very special.  I love this picture because you can tell grandpa is giving Justin great advice right then :)  Continuing on, grandpa has been in and out of the hospital since I have been around.  Doctors always saying he wasn't going to make it much longer.  I guess they didn't know grandpa very well, he always proved them wrong.  I can't describe all of the memories we have had with him, so I am going to attach a bunch of pictures at the end of this post.  Now, onto what's going on now.  Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital a lot lately.  Two weeks ago they said he wouldn't make it through the weekend.  He's still here, but continues to have his health fail even more.  I don't want to get into all of it.  Last week Justin and I, along with his parents and brother and fiance, Kyle and Morgan, went to visit him at the Memphis hospital.  Expecting him to not be well, he was in great spirits.  I cannot express how much fun I had that evening.  Justin played some bluegrass songs on his phone and grandpa tapped his fingers and even sang with what breath he had to sing.  We all talked and laughed so much.  We took a couple of pictures too.  It was really great.

He came home from the hospital this past weekend and they brought hospice back with him.  I didn't really think after he was so well last week, why they would need to bring hospice in.  I figured it was another one of those time he could kick through.  It wasn't.  He is now unresponsive.  We didn't know if we could bring ourselves to go see him like that.  But Justin had the day off yesterday (by the grace of God), and we had to go to Lancaster to pick up our garage doors.  Justin decided it would be okay to go see him.  When we walked in, I was really not expecting to see what I saw.  I immediately fell apart (which I felt so awful for because I needed to be the strong one for my husband).  Justin just talked to him.  Grandpa never did talk.  But we knew he knew we were there.  Then Justin decided to pray with him.  Grandpa responding by moving his hands and mouth.  He always loved it when Justin prayed and was so proud of him for it.  He's always been so proud of Justin in general.

When we left there, I could not stop the tears all the way home.  I had gone through the same thing with when I went to say good-bye to my grandpa before he went to be with the Lord.  But he was responsive and talked to me.  I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do.  But it's worse when they're unresponsive.  Like I said, this is hitting me so hard because it's real this time and I was not expecting it.

I am writing all of this, mostly for myself because I will tell you that today is not a good day for me.  Yesterday I was extremely upset and full of tears.  Today I am angry.  I am holding back all of my emotion today, I will not let myself be vulnerable and cry.  We both believe that Grandpa is ready to go be with the Lord and have his new body.  This isn't what he wants to be lying in a hospital bed, and nobody wants to see him suffer.  But it's just so hard to let go.  It's so hard to say goodbye.  And as I hold back the tears as I write this right now, I am asking for prayers.  I am asking prayers for the entire family and for grandpa.  We're all hurting.  This man means so much to so many people.  He is loved.  And today, I am very sorry if you've talked to me and I've been snippy at you.  This is how I'm handling it, and I hope that you can all understand that this is not who I normally am, but please understand.  I can't focus on my work today.  Things may take a little longer than normal to get done this week.  I have not been nice to a couple of family members that have spoken to me today but I'm hurting and this is how I am reacting now and I apologize.  Please pray, and please love me through this.  My husband and I are both reacting in different ways.  He needs to keep himself busy with his mind on other things, and I myself am numb.  I can't focus.  We don't know when the Lord will take him home, but the nurses say it will be soon, considering his kidneys are failing.  Again, please love me through my pain.  That's the main reason I wrote it.  I'm better at typing it all out and expressing my feelings this way.

My very favorite picture of grandma and grandpa. Their love really shows.
It was a blessing that I caught this moment.

Making popcorn balls as a family at our house,  2011.

Putting down the tile floor in our new house in the kitchen

How he always sits.  Doing math in my studio for the ceiling.

He may have fallen into the paint ;)

The night at the hospital last week when he was so happy.  He LOVED this picture and wants a copy.