Life Exposed

Hey Everyone!  I totally haven't been diligent to keep up with this lately....I'm sorry!  Things have been crazy of course.  Trying to keep up with work and editing and also trying to launch a new website and getting things transferred has been stressful!  I have great intentions of sitting down to write and then something comes up.  That's how life rolls though!  I have a lot I want to write about and I'm hoping I can get it written out in a timely manner so I can get my cleaning done, my short Sunday nap and everything else before Justin gets off and we run back to town to grab a few groceries for the week--yay!

Well, I'm on week 32 can you believe it!  32.5 now actually.  In just 7.5 more weeks (give or take, early or late) I will be holding OUR little girl.  I still cannot even wrap my head around what that's going to be like.  Some days I am so stinkin' excited for all of the new changes and being able to hold her and look at her and see Justin with her, and then I think, woah, life will seriously never be the same either, am I ready for this?  Well, ready or not, here she comes!  No looking back now that's for sure.  And I wouldn't want to!  It's just so many emotions and changes.  Any of you that have kids know exactly what I mean.  I just hope I can catch on and be a good mommy--I think that's what I worry about the most.  And with that too, I hope that I can still be a great wife and Justin and I can still date and have an awesome marriage like I am so blessed with now.  I love that man, and I love my quality time with him!  Being a family of 3 will be so much fun.  I can't wait to do things together.

So with all of the emotions, we know that pregnancy changes our bodies.  I am been SO fortunate this ENTIRE pregnancy.  I never got sick (only a little nauseous in the very beginning and only in the mornings), and have been able to keep up with life pretty much at the same pace as before.  I had a few bouts of severe back pain that only happened a couple of times (now I have regular back treatments to keep this in check) and I've still had incredible sleep at night! (Which I've heard some women start getting horrible sleep from like 5 months on--how miserable!)  I had started to get horrible swollen feet a couple of weeks ago.  To the point that after a long day, I wouldn't be able to fit into my shoes anymore.  The humidity had been getting terrible for summertime and I just figured it was that and overuse with my job because I'm on them a lot.  They were very swollen when I went to the doctor last time and she said it was definitely normal, but maybe try to watch out for real salty things because that could be a factor too, plus push the fluids a lot and that should help some.  Well, being depressed everytime I have to get on the scale when I'm at the doctor's office with how much excessive weight I was gaining, I decided to take what she said and run with it.  Starting last weekend after the doctor's appointment, I have pretty much banished salt from my diet and started a total healthy diet.  Loading up on fruits and veggies and lean meats and whole grains.  I started eating grilled chicken breasts with broccoli and brown rice, or turkey burgers, etc.  I took all sweets out and I started walking about 2 miles approx. 5 times a week.  I cannot tell you how great I feel.  My feet haven't been swollen all week (we can thank the amazing temperatures we've had this week for that too--I hope they never go away!) and I have lost 3 pounds.  Please don't be concerned...I know that this is strictly fluid and fat that I'm losing.  Unfortunately, I hadn't been the most healthy person thus far in the pregnancy.  I was feeling horrible about it and knew I wasn't giving baby the good nutrients.  So doing this has been extremely beneficial for both of us!  I still make sure I get my needed calories every day, they are just healthy ones!  I'm not worried about the scale anymore because I know that I am doing my best and doing the healthy thing.  Walking every morning has given me so much extra energy and boosted my mood, just like working out hard core before I got pregnant did.  I just feel so good now and have really been good with keeping up with it and not giving in to temptation or junk food.  You wouldn't believe how much sodium is in packaged food!  I have been staying away from those things for sure!  I feel like I've seen a slight difference in the puffiness of my face and other places as well....

So with that last paragraph, noticing changes in your body during pregnancy can be sometimes hard to accept.  Since day one of finding out I was pregnant, I have lathered in lotions to prevent stretch marks. I would not be one of those people that get them I always told myself.  My sister never got one and I just figured I wouldn't either.  Well, about 3 weeks ago I noticed one pop up.  I seriously cried about it. I felt embarassed and kept trying to think of what I did wrong.  I'm going to be ugly forever I kept telling myself.  These are horrible monsters that never leave your body and only get worse.  And I still had about 10 weeks left when I found the first one.  I hated to see what I'd look like by the end.  And then I felt horrible and selfish for thinking that way when there's a precious life inside of me.  It's just a battle in my head.  Each time I pass the mirror before my shower or changing clothes, etc., I notice them.  Even this morning.  And they're getting darker and more of them.  Right on my hips.  I get so depressed because I plan on getting in the best shape of my life again after baby and will be proud to wear a bikini but now I felt like I'd never get to wear one again.  I kept praying that God would renew my mind and let me know that this is HIS body, and it's only a body.  It will never be perfect.  I didn't want to not enjoy the rest of the pregnancy because of this petty thing.  Millions of women have stretch marks.  I know that.  Except for everyone I talk to it seems.  People that only gained like 10 pounds their entire pregnancy and never had a mark to show for it and look just as tiny 2 days after they have their babies--it's discouraging to hear and see.  I need someone to relate with me and tell me it's okay.  People tell me how small I am for how far along I am all the time!  Why would I be the one to get marks when it seems like no one else has?

Well, my eyes got opened this morning at church.  I prayed on the way to church that God would speak to me in someway to help me get over my selfish self.  It just so happened that there was a woman that got up to speak today and spoke about her journey to becoming a parent.  It was a rough one.  She had lost a baby and then couldn't get pregnant.  I believe they tried for years until God opened her heart up to adoption.  I know that her story was about her adoption and children's ministry, but hearing her story is just what I needed.  And I know many other stories like it, unfortunately.  Being able to carry a child is a BLESSING!  There are way too many people out there that long to experience it and can't or have a horrible time trying.  This little life inside of my is something God created and has a plan for and He put her in me and gave ME the job of getting her here.  She's going to be my pride and joy.  I should never take something like this for granted--ever.  My body will not be the same after I have her.  I am sure of it.  I may not wear a bikini again.  But thank goodness my husband is really the only one that will have to see it and he will love me anyway.  He will love me even more because I carried his daughter and brought her into the world and these scars will remind me of it.  It's not ugly (I'm still trying to tell myself this and accept this), and I have such a godly husband that will remind me that I'm beautiful every day.  And I will have a little girl that's here with us and none of those things will matter. I am thankful, and I am blessed.  I don't know why God chose me to carry such a precious gift.  And I hurt so much for those that can't experience such a thing.  I feel horrible to ever complain about tiny little marks on my hips.

Not only at church today, but also yesterday at Lifeline's annual Walk For Life, also made me even more thankful and reminded me how precious life is.  These little ones cannot defend themselves.  We have to fight for the unborn!  Life is life at the moment of conception.  God has a plan for each one of them!  I had so much fun yesterday doing the walk for life and listening to the speaker speak and hearing how much money was raised--$10,600!  We all made a statement by walking the two miles in the rain yesterday.  I was proud to do it.  I wish more people would get involved in things like these...they're so important and you can make a difference.  Don't just sit back and watch.  Don't think that everyone else will just take care of it.  I've done that too many times!

Now onto the other thing that's been on my heart.  An exciting thing after a little bit of hurt.  A couple of weeks ago I was extremely depressed.  I was going through a friendship split (friends just going separate ways, aka, not being friends anymore).  It had been going on for awhile and I knew it and saw it coming.  There was so much hurt and anger and sadness in this friendship....at least on my end.  And it just wasn't healthy.  It was just time for the ties to be broken.  I was at peace about it and prayed a lot about it.  I had nothing on my conscience that I felt like would hold me back with it.  And I just kind of let it be.  I kept going back and forth whether to break the final ties and prayed a ton about it because I just wasn't sure I wanted to be that type of person that looked mean by doing it but the next day, I didn't have to make the decision because she took the final step in breaking the ties.  It really felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  Even though I saw it coming from a thousand miles away and knew it was best just because there was so much hurt and it wasn't a healthy relationship, it still cut deep.  I talked to my best friend Ashley a lot about it.  She's in Virginia and has been for almost four years and I've only seen her a couple of times in those years.  We talk more and are closer now than ever and she has become an amazing, amazing friend.  I've never given up on the friendship, even through the rough patches and she always thanks me for never giving up on her.  She encouraged me a lot and knew that it still really hurt me and she hurt for me.  She ended up sending flowers to me and it just completely reminded me that I don't need tons of friends.  She is a true quality friend that will always be there for me and never judge me and she always knows when I need a pick-me-up.  Even from miles and miles away she is my closest friend.  The night that the ties were broken between the other friend and I, Ashley decided to call me and talk to me.  We mostly text, sometimes skype, but our schedules are so opposite it's hard to make phone calls often.  She just knew what I needed and said exactly what I needed to hear.  And I can honestly say the hurt went away right then after our conversation.  What she said was true and I couldn't blame myself for any of it.  I haven't looked back since....God spoke through her!

Along with friendships, God has shown me that even losing one, He will find new people to bring into my life.  People that encourage me and meet me where I'm at in life.  I have been so fortunate to have met and become really close friends with two new ladies.  Two godly women that both have kids and will be great to have for this stage in my life.  (Any of you that have kids know that your friendships change.  There will be ones that stick around and stick by you, and ones that will drift away).  I still have some friends that I know I won't lose because I'm having a baby.  Ones that I've been friends with forever and still talk to very regularly...you know you guys are!  But these new women I know will become lifelong friends like my other lifelong friends.  Megan Gudde and Katie Rolston, you have filled my life with so much joy.  Katie lives here in Kirksville and I've known of her for a really long time but we really became friends a while after our husbands started working together.  She keeps up with me all the time and we meet up about every two weeks along with talking tons throughout the week.  We can vent and relate about our husband's jobs and she has so much great advice about kids!  I love her little girl, too :)  It's just been so refreshing!  Those of you that know me, know that it's hard for me to open up to new friendships.  It seems like a lot of people befriend me to use me for what I can do for them.  So unfortunately, I usually avoid getting close to people.  Katie is one that has already proved she will never be that type of friend.  She likes me for me! :)

Megan is someone I've talked to for quite awhile via just chatting on Facebook.  We related a lot with photography and I know of her through a mutual friend.  We just kinda clicked!  She is so strong in her faith and is seriously one of the most encouraging people I've ever met.  If I post a status about being upset, she's always sending me a message or text asking if I'm alright.  She's always keep up with me throughout the week to see how I'm doing.  And this woman has been through SO MUCH.  I've never seen anyone stronger than her.  I just love how it feels like we've known eachother forever but have never met in person.  She's made and gotten so many things for our baby and we're finally meeting up this week so she can give them to me (she doesn't live around here).  I am so excited!  I feel like it will be like being reunited with a friend I've known forever.

So, with all of that being said, I just want to say thank you to my friends!  All of you.  New and old, the ones that keep up with me and love me for me.  You are a blessing in my life.  And there's so many I didn't mention the names of.  You guys are so awesome, so thank you for being in my life!

Wrapping up, I'm just getting excited for a lot of things.  I have noticed, Justin and one other person today have noticed that I've dropped.  Kind of freaks me out, but our friend Judy tells me not to worry, that she's probably just changed positions and is head down now.  She will probably flip around some more!  I just have this feeling I'll go a little early--I have no idea why.  Maybe because I'd like to! haha, but I want her to be completely cooked and ready so we still have a few more weeks before she's done!  After the wedding I have to shoot in two weeks and my baby shower in three weeks, she can come anytime :)  I'll be on maternity leave then and be in my nesting stage--I'm so excited and it's much needed!  I'm really excited for my shower!  I hope that a lot of people can make it, it would mean the world to me.

I want to also thank those of you that are sticking with me and being patient with me about pictures.  Being off for 3 whole months is really really time that I need with my baby and getting used to things.  I feel like everyone deserves that.  I've had tons of inquiries and had to turn down so many people for those months already, but my loyal clients have chosen to wait for me when I'm back in the fall and my waiting list already has a large amount of people on it.  I know I will only be able to do so many in the month that I return, but I'll do what I can!  I know that God will provide while I'm off (no income for me during then--perks of being self-employed--not!) and is already showing that there will be work when I get back.  I know a lot of people are disappointed and need pictures done while I'm off but I just really need this time.  So thank you to those of you that have been supportive and understanding!  I will still have to keep up with my Tiny Toes clients while I'm off--which is just a handful of people, but I'm thankful to those of them that are also being flexible and knowing that if one of they're milestones hits at the end of July or first of August, I'm not going to be available.  It's pretty impossible to pop out a baby and come right back home to work.  I will need my time to adjust a little and also make sure I have babysitter's lined up for when I am back and able to start up again!

So, some things that I'm thankful for right now and things to smile about....God, family, friends, health, these temperatures (oh my goodness I'm loving it because I HATE summer!) and a goooood decaf latte...which I've found a new love from Sweet Expressions in KV.  Candy bar in a cup...the guy can make any candy bar in a latte!  So decaf snickers lattes are currently my new favorite thing and oh what I wouldn't give to have one of those right now!!  Random thought, I know.  Oh, and I'm thankful for those of you that encourage me and tell me how beautiful and awesome I look!  Those comments keep me going for sure!  SMILE today!  You are blessed!

And yes, this took longer to write than I anticipated so....it's time for a short nap and then onto getting things accomplished! ;)

Emily