Life Exposed

Hello friends :)

Well, I thought it was time for an update.  I DID write a blog post just a couple of weeks ago about my entire hospital and delivery experience, but I chose to just print that out and put in the baby book, rather than make all of those details public.  I wanted to be sure to remember everything though!  So, since I've last written, my beautiful little baby girl has arrived in the world!  She'll be one month old already on Saturday, and that just about puts me to tears.  Pregnancy flew by for me, but her growing up has flown by even faster.  Some people may want the first part to fly by because it's exhausting.  It is, yes, but I'm soaking up every day because it's just going way too fast for me.  Maybe it's because she's just an amazing baby and I'm spoiled by her, but those little snuggles will be gone all too soon!

During the entire pregnancy, I honestly wondered what I'd feel like when my baby actually got here.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't know enough information.  I was going to fail.  What if it was too much for me and I couldn't do it?  I can't even tell you the feelings I felt instantly when I first held her.  It was a love I never knew.  She was ours, and my life forever changed for the better.  I still didn't know what I was doing, but I have to say, motherly instincts did kick in and it came pretty naturally.  She has been an amazing eater (yes, breastfeeding) since the moment she came out and even still.  Even takes a pumped bottle now for when we need to be somewhere that doesn't allow me to easily feed, plus, training for when I go back to work.  She's just an amazing, precious gift from God.

We are working on establishing a good routine this week.  The first few weeks were a blur of really just getting to know each other, etc.  She eats every 3 hours (no, I'm not a demand feeder, this is just how I choose to parent.  To each their own of course!  Whatever works is what you should do and roll with).  We stick pretty close to this schedule of course with some flexibility.  We go by a lot of the principles from the BabyWise book.  Baby goes with YOUR schedule, not you with hers.  The book has some great points and advice.  So, this week so far with getting a good routine has been going great.  We are up for the day around 8, she eats, stays awake usually in her bouncer in some sunlight from the window looking at some toys, and then she goes down for a morning nap at 10ish.  She wakes for the next feeding and is awake for quite awhile again and then goes for an afternoon nap around 2-3.  Again, wakes for the next feeding and is awake for awhile, and then we throw in the bedtime routine (bath, book, snuggles, bed).  THIS is the part we've been struggling with.  I've been trying to put her down by 8:30 to start getting a bedtime set.  Well, she pretty much screams bloody murder.  We let her cry for awhile (it kills us inside to listen to) but they say they're supposed to learn to put themselves to sleep so they don't depend on you.  Well, the past two nights (the only nights we've tried this) we end up getting her up and she falls asleep in my arms just fine.  Not soundly, I'd say this is her "fussy time" because she holds onto the pacifier for dear life and if she loses it she's not happy.  But when I feed her for the last time before we head to bed, I put her down and she sleeps for 4 hours before she wakes up to eat again.  No fussing, no crying, just sleeps.  The same when I get her around 5am and 8am.  So, I'm wondering if I'm just pushing this early bedtime too soon.  I think we'll try to change it up a little and if she's not ready to do the early time yet, that's okay.  As long as she goes down when we are ready for bed I feel like I'm doing something right!  Still a major learning process :)

God and I have been talking tons during this motherhood process.  I always pray and ask for guidance since I don't know what I'm doing.  I want to raise her right in God's eyes!

On another note, I dressed Quinn this morning and a onesie she wore just last week (newborn size) is too small today! Oh my goodness she's growing so much.  Don't get me wrong, it's so fun watching her change, but it's seriously going so fast.  I can't keep up!  My days go three times as fast as they did when it was just me at home.  I don't want to miss a moment!

Now onto something I've been struggling with.  Actually, a few things.  Those of you that have had children know that after having babies, our emotions after having them are crazy screwed up just trying to get back in line!  The first few days and weeks are painful just trying to recover.  You basically just try to survive taking care of yourself and your baby.  Let alone you've got these emotions that make you cry for no reason and this body that is just nothing close to the same as it was.  Still looks like you're pregnant, just lost a few months of it ;)  Then you get really excited because you lose more weight every day and you're thinking "man this is going to come off fast and I'll be skinny again!"  I lost 25 pounds within the first week.  Well, that was definitely the fluid from my high blood pressure issues.  The scale hasn't budged since then and I've still got 15 pounds to lose, stretch marks, acne like a 13 year old teen, and a very flabby tummy.  I would do everything a thousand times over again to get Quinn, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard to look at myself.  I just try to focus on her and avoid mirrors.  I still have 2 weeks before my 6 week appointment for me to be released to work out, and then it will be finding the time to juggle it all.  Right now taking care of the baby and the house are all I have to worry about (and still working a little, even though I'm off), but soon it will be taking care of the baby (who will start to sleep less), the house, work, and working out.  It will all come together and I'll take one day at a time, it's just hard to look at that big picture right now.

Onto the next thing I've been struggling with.  This is something I've just been trying to give over to God because He's ALWAYS taken care of me and provided when I worry about this issue.  So, I've taken a maternity leave.  I started the second week of July and am extending it until the end of September/beginning of October.  It was necessary that I take off in July when I did because I got put on bed rest and then had her on July 16th.  I literally worked as long as I could!  I already have a waiting list full for October when I return *hopefully* guaranteeing work when I return.  But, here's my worries and doubts.  1.  no income on my end for these months.  Yes, we're going to make it and yes we're more than fine.  I just hate not feeling like I'm helping financially.  I still have business expenses to pay out (joys of being self-employed) with income not coming in.  Which leads me to my second worry.  Although I have a full waiting list for October, I'm constantly seeing people that I've done photos for in the past go to someone new.  So I'm worried that in the time of me being off, these people that have wanted to be on my list are going to change their mind or just get impatient and go elsewhere.  People are entitled to go to whoever they want.  Each photographer out there has different styles and offers different things (cds) and people want to try new things.  Fully understand.  I just always wonder if I've done something wrong on my end.  My main goal always is to do everything possible to please my customers.  Treat them more like friends than clients.  So I just worry when I see this happen so much what it is that I've done wrong.  And then I feel bad for taking a maternity leave when people needed pictures July-September.  But, I need this time.  It is such a precious time of getting to know my new baby and getting established.  I won't get this time back with my baby.  I, in no way can feel badly for taking off deserved time.  Just struggling with feeling good enough as a photographer and worrying about going back and if there will be enough.  Again, God has always abundantly provided for me and I have had more than I can do when it comes to work, so I don't know why I'm worrying, but I am.  I just want to be transparent with my worries so that if you think to pray for me, I would truly appreciate it.  Nobody should feel ashamed for the things they are worried about and asking for prayer/help with them.  I can tell you though, that worry and doubt are evil things that totally rob joy!

On the topic kinda of worry and doubt, the whole Robin Williams thing makes me think a lot this week.  I hope it really opens people's eyes up to how real depression is.  It runs in my family and as someone who has personally been there, it is not an easy thing.  Although I do not believe in suicide at all being the answer, ever, depression is real and easy to cover up in public.  It's often the ones that joke and act happy in public all of the time that are the most depressed.  Again, if you are struggling with it, don't hesitate to ask for help or feel ashamed for dealing with it.  You are not "broken", the ones that do not struggle with it most often just don't understand and look at you like "why can't you just be happy?"

Lastly, I want to thank everyone so much for everything during this new transition in our lives.  So many people from our church, and family/friends have provided meals and that has helped more than you know.  So many people have come to visit our little Quinn and we fully know who our friends are even with those that can't make it to see her right away, just checking on us/her, calling, texting, sending cards, etc., it just means the world to us and will never be forgotten.  Having a baby completely changed our lives--for the better!  But having our true friends and family by our side has helped us through!

Becoming a mommy is the best thing ever.  Not only that, but Justin and I being parents together has been amazing.  It's brought us closer.  I can't even express how amazing of a daddy Justin is.  He loves his little girl to pieces and helps me with her SO much!  He doesn't even hesitate, he loves doing it.  My love for him has grown even more with watching him with Quinn!

Now, a few pictures for your entertainment....

My best friend, Ashley (who just moved back!) happened to be in Columbia when I was in the hospital for monitoring the week before I had Quinn!

Living room turned to studio for Quinn's newborn pictures :)

thumb sucker!

I was so excited when Quinn got her first piece of mail

Daddy feeding Quinn for the first time with our first (well, first FULL) pumped bottle!

This past Sunday, my girl and me before church!  And my creep of a dog!

Me at 2 months :)  Hoping to get Quinn in this dress for a picture at 2 months...ha!

Miss Hayden and Quinn :)

I was heading to bed again in the middle of the night after feeding Quinn and this is how I found the dog...

My beautiful 4 week old!

We all got our hair done on Saturday.  Let's see if my sister actually reads my blog this time and kills me for this picture :)

Snuck a picture of grandma and Quinn when she came to hang out with us and help :)

New hair from the amazing Paula!  This was the next day after my attempt at curling it.  Not near as good as her's, but that's why she's the pro!

My mother's ring that the hubby gave me in the hospital.  Infinity, plus my birthstone and Quinn's.