Life Exposed

Today is an interesting day.  I feel like the only way I can express myself fully is through my writing.  Its therapy for me whether or not people read it.  Today is the due date of the baby we lost.  And although I don't sit and dwell on it daily, post about it often, etc., I feel like certain days are triggers for emotions.  And this would be one of them.  Its interesting how the days that some people hurt the most, are just regular days for everyone else.  The world keeps spinning even when sometimes you wish you could press pause.  I feel like so many people are thinking, "she's 32 weeks pregnant, she shouldn't be sad one bit."  I get it.  If you haven't been there you don't know the feelings and I hope and pray that you don't ever have to.  I also know that every single person deals with this differently.  I woke up knowing today was the day our baby was scheduled to arrive.  I didn't wake up unable to get out of bed or depressed, just off.  Just a little sad.  And the reason being that it just brings up every emotion from those horrible couple of weeks.  I remember just finding out my grandma had cancer.  The cancer that would take her just a couple short months later.  I remember getting my blood drawn SO MANY TIMES to check levels.  I remember not being able to see my own doctor because she was out, and the one I had seemed like she just had no sympathy.  I remember this the most, though.  Justin went outside the building to inform his family, calling each of them.  I eventually went out there to sit with him on the bench as he finished up the conversation with his parents, letting his mom know the baby was due on her birthday.  Once he hung up, we just held one another and both sobbed.  I didn't cry a lot through the process.  I did get pretty depressed.  But the two times I did cry were that moment, and the moment after I had just passed the baby.  It was like a relief, but at the same time emptiness.  So those are the emotions I'm fighting with today.

Along with this I'm also grateful.  God knew I needed it to be a Wednesday that this memory was on.  It's my one day a week that I have Quinn home.  Any of you that know her know that she comforts without even knowing she's doing it.  It's keeping my spirits high and knowing how grateful I am to have that blessing of a child.  Also, most people don't get the blessing of having a rainbow baby blessing basically connected to a miscarriage with due dates between the two exactly eight weeks apart.  I am grateful.  And I'm grateful that God chose me to carry that child, even if just for a time that felt like a blink.

As I'm writing, I will post a bit of an update on baby girl and her arrival.  Yesterday was a pretty big appointment for us.  One that we have been nervous about this past month.  But it went well.  I do still have placenta previa as my placenta still hasn't budged a bit.  BUT we did not develop the more serious condition--placenta accreta.  For this we are truly grateful.  With placenta previa we will be having a c-section at around the 37 week mark.  She's also been breech and continues to stay breech.  Not only with her feet NOT up above her head like most, but curled under her, which is why I feel like a foot could be punched out at any given moment--comfortable, eh?  My ultrasound tech also explained that this is why my heartburn is so awful, because there's so much pressure there.  And also why I have such shortness of breath.  Overall minus the heartburn, I feel pretty good.  I'm getting more tired and it is getting truly hard to do my job, mainly because of my back and having to squat and run around so much.  I have about 2.5 weeks left before I'm taking off for my leave--at least not physically taking pictures.  I'm going to have to obviously work with editing and ordering etc., but the physical part will be done.  I did have two newborns born a week early that were scheduled for next week and had to be bumped up to this week which was already crazy because I have five shoots on Friday.  So I'm worried about how my body will handle it.  I know that if I can make it past this week we should be able to get through the rest with no problem!  Can you believe that newborns are actually the hardest on my body?  I feel like I've competed in a squats competition after them.  And I have TWO back to back tomorrow--LOL!  I love them though.  I really think they're my favorite!

I know God is teaching me to trust Him during this time.  Honestly, coming from a person who had an amazing experience with birth the first time around, going into a c-section is like walking into a dark closet.  You just have no idea what to expect!  I've had a lot of people reach out to me and I do feel pretty prepared for what's ahead, but to say I'm scared is an understatement.  I ask for prayer for a smooth c-section and recovery if you have a chance.  I am so worried about struggling to do her newborn pictures.  I know that's silly, but obviously its super important to me and I have so many ideas and freedom since she's my own.  I really hope and pray I'm able to and feel up to doing it.

Another thing on my mind has been so many mixtures of emotions.  I am SO excited and ready to meet baby girl.  However, CHANGE is not my strong point.  In fact, I do horrible with it.  I am so scared that I won't be the mom I need to be with two.  I LOVE my one on one time with Quinn and don't ever want her to feel like she's been replaced in any way.  And I hope and pray that I still have that time with her once I recover and get into a routine.  Things are just going to be a lot different.  I'm ready and I'm scared to death all at once!  Sometimes it doesn't even feel real that we're getting ready to do this again!  I'm really trying to savor these next few weeks and last time of being pregnant.  Sometimes its so hard to just "enjoy" it.  But I can tell you my heart never melts more than when Quinn loves on her sissy.  She is over the moon excited and already so sweet to her.  I know she'll be an amazing big sister and a huge help!  The distance between the two of them will be just perfect for us.

We had a small baby shower this past weekend for me and it was so much fun.  My mom hosted and put most of it together with some help from my sister--THANK YOU!  It was just immediate family and a handful of friends.  We didn't need much since we have most of the stuff leftover from Quinn, we just needed a few of the essentials.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  A couple of friends drove 1.5 hours to be there and that means so much to me!  After our target run yesterday to grab the last few things, I think we finally are ready.  I feel like I'm missing things I should have or be doing, but mostly we are ready!  Nesting mode has set in!

I know my posts aren't all that interesting to some, but again I just mainly write for myself.  It truly helps me clear my mind.  Enjoy this beautiful day!